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Chalk

 

 

 

 



Turbulence waltzes
with my waistline,

as I travel with a shadow

and an echo...

 

     These are

     no sounds of starvation,

     nor resonances of retching -

 

It's music,

humming inside

my vaporlike volume.

 

Electrical fingers

intrude the iris,

and picture an abstract afterglow

of my pen.

 

     It's as if I paint

     with chalk on grey boards

     and then expectorate

                          (phlegmless)

     the dust dwelling

     my lungs.

 

A bulging body

bewrays I'm not a fitness fan.

Yet, transpiration pours

through my pores.

 

Exhalating

makes the leaves rustle,

as they dance

     almost synchronically

upon the synonym

of my hymn.

 

     It's just

     a matter of minutes;

 

then my silhouette continues

the journey of fireflies

and onomatopoeia.

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

The Challenge: Personification of a storm cloud.

Metaphorical and layered.

Note:
to bewray = to reveal unintentionally

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 15 of 15

  • CherryOnTop
    January 17, 2008
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    This is amazing the imagery is superb.You have penned this one well.


  • beryl
    November 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    A storm can be a very personal thing, and I think that you captured your rain exceptionally. Poetry should be personal that's what will reach and grab a reader, your pain, your emotions and your state of mind. I liked your direction of words because the truth was easy to find beneath the desciptive metaphors, direct in its poetic content unlike the ordinary life. At a guess was the work about anorexia or related self-image illness? If so, it was a brilliant piece, god bless.


  • Amunet Wolfbane Moderators member
    May 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I read this and I feel it. The turbulance to me signifies your emotions rising from the chakras moving through you, venturing out and forming/releasing. Slowly moving to the mind to cultivate, brewing emotions to life. I found this to be very well penned and dont feel it lacks in connection at all. I envision it whole and complete. Excellent work on this.


  • Lost Like Woah
    May 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    well i have returned and to this jewel of a write no less. lovely, but yes it isn't quite flowing with your usual flair.... hmmm, what could it be. i can't place it but you remind me of one of my lovely feathery friends..hmm.. well i hope the usual you reappears soon... i quite enjoy envying you....


  • dp robertson
    May 5, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    What an absolutely beautiful bit of bollocks this writing is!

    There are a few on this site that do this type of poetry very, very well. Nicolette springs to mind and would be staggered if she penned this due to its lack of focus and irrelevant word fluff that inflates this unnecessarily. Lines like these

    A bulging body bewrays I'm not a fitness fan. Yet, transpiration pours through my pores.

    For all the alliteration this is remarkably ugly writing. In fact much of the poem is alliteration done badly where the writer has almost painted themselves into a corner writing the thing that way. The piece permeates a forced or artificial feel that has been painstakingly put together with the head and not nearly enough heart.

    There are lines in it that are magical

    It's just a matter of minutes; then my silhouette continues the journey of fireflies

    And

    It's as if I paint with chalk on grey boards

    This is poetry. But the overall effect remains that for all its well crafted writing on the surface it neither connected and nor did it express itself in a way that I would even consider, for the most part to be good writing. Self conscious writing perhaps but not one that is substantial, engaging and utterly captivating.

    David

    And this lovely line

    I travel with a shadow and an echo...

    Then suddenly BANG! as it is torpedoed and sunk by

    and onomatopoeia

    What the??? Holy Pretentiousness Batman – “Wham!”

  • Celticmoon gold member
    April 30, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    100

    I see so much within the image; it's definately ethral. Like a floating cloud creating pictures that constantly mutant and ever so interesting.

  • Celticmoon gold member
    April 30, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Alright Lee you gets kudos just for working in the word 'onomatopoeia' That is not something you see in poetry every day. Your words as always are unique and fresh. You always find a way to remain far from cliche' and I love that about your work! Bravo!


    Blessings
    Bel


  • Debbie Hansman
    April 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I read this twice....OH MY GOSH!...totally Awesome!....you have such a way with words it just blows me away....I love the visuals I get.
    I love reading the things you write!
    Even tho we both write in different ways...it is such a pleasure to read yours!..

    debbie


  • Yemassee silver member
    April 27, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wait a minute, I need a dictionary. Bewrays, I learned a new word. I like betrays there in its place.

    This is an interesting challenge. It would have been fun to try it, to take it in my own odd direction.

    I like it...it's certainly not a typical poem and I'm sure quite different from most that have entered.

    I think I'd have written about a wife's nervous emotions at her abusive and vociferous husband's arrival from work. That might have been interesting...or maybe a brewing argument between two people...or about cows farting.


    . Rewarded 8


  • fish-botoxicity
    April 27, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    you didn't dissapoint the challenage one bit.
    i'm not so crazy about italics, then regular, then italics, etc., but i didn't mind in this one.
    the first two lines really caught me well.
    to be vague, great job.

  • Kari gold member
    April 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, well I think that you met the challenge of this. It's ver deep and I love it. You did wonderful bro

    . Rewarded 4


  • April Renee
    April 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this is really interesting. definitely layered....original. fitness and storm clouds - interesting. all in all, good job with writing this. enjoyed the read.

    blu

    . Rewarded 4


  • Lady-Pegasus
    April 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Plop sizzle spark! I love the word onomatopoeia AND the words as well! Interesting piece to be certain, nice flow to it Best of luck in this and all of your endeavors. Hetohke'e

  • Nicolette gold member
    April 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Excellent poetry - wonderful personification and unique metahors. We've had thunder storms here all night and through your words I relived it again, saw it so clearly in my eyes. Loved this "afterglow" of your pen, my friend. Excellent poetry!

    ~ Nicolette

    . Rewarded 6

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