First of all I would like to thank you all for coming
laying on a raft by the sea
A lighted torch touches and ignites
a flame of colour finding me
Colours everywhere
Vibrant colours
Bright colours
Everybody sings.
The music surrounds every body of space,
Pillars of light lights up my face,
Beauty in the house of God.
Apples, Mangoes and oranges: A mix
of floral scents. My body to decompose
and new life comes from my absence.
My fingers and toes have been painted elegant,
in pink. I wear a green dress and
a ring on my right thumb.
Matching blue bra and pants with
blue frills on the bum.
The theme if the event is laughter, A celebration of my life.
Go on celebrate me, forget about your strife
As my body sours as a phoenix,
floating on the wind.
Everybody sings.
A celebration of colour, of life;
to conjure but a smile. As people
Dance and have a good time,
tears of laughter instead of mind
of endless tricks that haunts.
As my ashes to be scattered, to be scattered in the sea
A lighting state created by my friends and family.
Bringing them together as I'm seen
Floating away.
Slowly but surely what is left of
me settles on the horizon
Not a chore once I''m gone, instead
remembered in a song. Everybody sings.
A contest entry
- Make Me Feel Something. by Sonrio.
362 points, ended May 9, 2007, 21 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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This draft presents as a struggle between free verse and metered rhyme.
Decide which supports the message and mood better. Don't fix this one, write a new draft focusing on one style. As it reads now there are clashes that distract.
Refresh yourself on the topic of the Phoenix and then fine tune its reference in the poem. As it is now, it is inaccurate.
Rafts float on water not by it.
Music surrounds every body in space not of it.
Vibrant and bright are redundant.
Match the singular or plurals ie Pillar[s] of light light up.. not lights
Instead of mind of endless tricks...?? no idea what this means
In short , the poem is disjointed and vague leaving this reader with a nice description but no insight into the subject.
-df-
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I think your rhyme really helps tie the piece together, but the poem would flow better if you evened out the line length some. I noticed that you used a lot of -ing words. Your lines would be stronger if you used the active form of the verb instead. i.e. instead of :
"First of all I would like to thank you all for coming
laying on a raft by the sea
A lighted torch touches and ignites
a flame of colour finding me"
*maybe try*
"I would like to thank you all for coming
as I lay on a raft by the sea.
A lighted torch touches and ignites,
a flame of colour finds me"
I think the idea behind this poem is great, and I really like how you tied everyone's stories together. It makes for a really interesting read. >pixxie< -
this is a good write. Confused me at first then it was understandable after reading the rest. This was good.
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i like this. I like the way it seems like a really happy poem but really it's kinda sad. It's really good.
xxx -
ORIGINAL - in a good way!
This gave me a sort of irradic joy...i felt uplifted - even though the girl was dead...i don't know. it was a refreshing way to look at death. and it was an interesting way to be buried. I liked it! you have originality and that is important in a poet. good job! -
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Thanks! I've seen so much depressing poetry posted around that I thought I could turn death on its head. Finding the humour, and release in death... It was fun writing!
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