I break a beating heart, swollen with naive love for me.
My raindrops, from the endless storm that is my life, make her mascara run.
People tell me I am gift from God.
However,I am perplexed- they need only to unwrap me to find the truth.
I deserve pain because I am the cockroach of human existence.
You think that aging is a splendor of God's endearing love.
I say aging is like a one-way ticket on a train into unknown darkness.
You look out the car window and smile at the children playing in the park.
I look out the car window and sigh because I know the innocence will one day fade.
I haven’t the motivation to succeed.
I haven’t the motivation to live.
I am a living-talking-walking cadaver.
A clown in a circus of misery trying to juggle my collapsing life.
She looked into my eyes with abstract confidence.
This is as good as you will ever be.
This is as good as I’ll ever get she said to me.
I’m a depressed failure and she knew the truth that I was too cowardly to admit.
No eight ball is needed- my destination- my journey- my life- clear as a river of vodka.
The liquor, was piled up like dirty clothes in my trashed apartment.
I am always stocked in preparation for a possible liquor drout.
I drank and I drank until bottles turned to glass and glass turned into shattered shards on sidewalks.
It was my only friend- it was my only life- it was my only hope.
It was my midnight treat and my morning orange juice.
My lewd behavior was always excepted and always accepted because I am- me.
I was- I am- I always will be- a penniless drunk-
I have a body on earth but a soul in hell's abyss.
And she looked into my eyes with certain confidence.
With a twitch of her mouth and a frown she said, This is as good as you will ever be. You sick-sick- SICK grotesque drunken fool!
My pills rattled in my pocket as I meandered and stumbled down the sidewalk.
Another pill for another hopeless condition.
Another hopeless doctor for another certain and confident cure.
Knowing the months only by the refill dates on medicine bottles.
I swallow another after another and slowly the lights fade out, as do I.
I was falling apart- into pieces- a puzzle madein reverse.
Pills were the light in my pitch black universe.
She stared into my eyes with an eerie confidence.
With a raised eyebrow, she said, This is as good as you will ever be.
She said I am hopeless
I take another bite of shattered candy hearts.
Forgotten friends that eventually forgot me.
Wine bottles bought that were always defectively empty
Another pill to numb the ongoing pain.
I try to hide my disorientation but people can see through my curtains.
Death is always but an arm length away.
And as I sit and cry for myself- my self absorption- I know- I am certain- it is true-
This is as good as I’ll ever be.
...
This is as good as I’ll ever be.
She whispers what others are afraid to say- a failure
All I'll ever be.
Author notes
I used the word cadaver, grotesque and abyss
A contest entry
- Darkest of the Darklings by whipped rose.
390 points, ended May 16, 2007, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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'Yesterday is Always better than Tomorrow'....
I disagree with yesterday being better then tomorrow.....Life becomes what we look for out of it is what we find....
Your poem is so full of expressive imagrey....which I enjoyed very much...I could quote so much in this but I won't this time around....
and as always....I thank you for sharing it with us and of course me too....and keep the pen dribbling...
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Dark
This is wonderfully dark ... very interesting ... my favorite part of this who piece is this:
I take another bite of shattered candy hearts.
Forgotten friends that eventually forgot me.
Wine bottles bought that were always defectively empty
Another pill to numb the ongoing pain.
I try to hide my disorientation but people can see through my curtains.
Death is always but an arm length away.
And as I sit and cry for myself- my self absorption- I know- I am certain- it is true-
This is as good as I’ll ever be.
...
This is as good as I’ll ever be.
She whispers what others are afraid to say- a failure
All I'll ever be.
Very powerful!!! full of imagery ... and just out and out WONDERFUL!!! good job
sparkeh -
Grimness
"I have a body on earth but a soul in hell's abyss."
Perfectly said for those lost in this world.. self soothing with medications and alcohol. It is a sad reality that many submerge themselves into. Great read. -
It was very sad. The emotional darkness shone through. I could sense how lost and hurt the character felt. It is very sad to let other's word carve a path for your future. Great write.
Guin
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Darkest of the darklings, I think was the contest...you've definately captured that title! Great,deep, and heart wrenching write you have here. awsome write! (my pills rattled in my pocket as I meandered and stumbled down the sidewalk, another pill for another hopeless condition. Another hopeless doctor for another certain and confident cure. Knowing the months only by the refill dates on medicine bottles.>>>>my fav and very deep! ( i do see just a few typo's>>>>line 28-drought/line 33-My lewd behavior was always excepted and always accepted>>excepted=expected) good luck
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This is well writtn with a lot of emotion. I am glad I had the chance to read it.
"I haven’t the motivation to succeed.
I haven’t the motivation to live.
I am a living-talking-walking cadaver.
A clown in a circus of misery trying to juggle my collapsing life."
Great Lines.
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...
This is as good as I’ll ever be.
She whispers what others are afraid to say- a failure
All I'll ever be.
Truely you are very deep in this write touching the truth of this world...your images are so vivid and so much focused that it made us to think..it made us to stop for a short while..it made us to judge your words very sensitively..this is a very thought provoking work my friend.The concept is very rare and it is rarely seen with so much dedication as well..a great poem is here..
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You have some incredible lines and imaginary in this write. i really love this line:
I look out the car window and sigh because I know the innocence will one day fade.
It reminds me so much of myself. It reminded me more of a rant than a poem, but perhaps that is why it appealed to me.
Love D.L. -
you did fantastic with the imagry for the reader. i could see & feel the words of each line as if i had fallen into the most lucid of dreams.
very much luck in the contest.
--Lucian Adonis
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good write.
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Wow
Oh man, why didn't you enter this one in my "Numbing the Pain" contest??? This would have gotten gold and silver; hands down - no comparisson! Wow, oh man, wow. I'm nominating this for front page. God, the part about only knowing the months by the refill date; I felt as if you crept into my head and then wrote down all my secrets for the world to see. This whole poem was if you'd read my diary and then published it. Such ache, such longing, such sorrow and remorse and unrelenting acceptance of our entire Being. I'm stunned, numb.
**Rae***
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amazing
I really like this poem-ALOT. I liked the part- "You look out the car window and smile at the children playing in the park./I look out the car window and sigh because I know the innocence will one day fade." I agree completely with that.
There are many other parts that I liked in this poem. Too many for me to go through them all. I liked how you wrote this, the wording. Keep up the good work. If this reflects on you or someone you know, I hope things get better.
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Awesome Max! Dark yet knowing the feeling here...just another pill, one more and it can take away all the pain, but does it really? You know I treasure you and want only the best for you. Sunshine and rainbows...Loved the emotional depth this creates, vividly describes the pain and lifestyle...good luck!
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abstractly beautifull..words reflects with reality.. well written ..
i loved the writg style the words used..it hooked till the end.. well its dark but not so like gothic..
its really dificult to pen a painfull sumamry of an imaginary life..u did a great job
best of luck in the contest and thanks for sharing..its worth readin peice
regards
abuyi
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this is absolutly beautiful...one of my biggest fears is that im as good as i ever could be right now...anyway this is an amazing poem and good luck in the contest!
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stark and gritty. 'midnight treat and morning orange juice' and 'another pill for another hopeless condition' really hit home. you've described life in a hellish haze. whether it be addiction, depression or physical pain... it's all there, no holds barred.
powerful write!
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Thank you
"I take another bite of shattered candy hearts." I really like that. I'm glad that you chose to share this. -
Favorite lines would be:
It was my only friend- it was my only life- it was my only hope.
It was my midnight treat and my morning orange juice.
My lewd behavior was always excepted and always accepted because I am me.
I was- I am- I always will be- a penniless drunk- body on earth- soul in hells abyss.
mazing job this is so true the first line of that stanza is truly how it feels, this stanza just sucked me into reality of what I and many others have went through. Amazing job, but, We are not failures because we have gotten past it and are fighting it. I love you Max and Best of Luck!!!
A&F
Emily
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