The day you said we will forever be together
Such a bright sunny day could never have been clearer.
You always said words were not worth speaking if not spoken honestly
As you held me in your arms, you would hold me more closely.
Remembering the smell of your skin
And the smoothness of your chin.
You always had a way to help me to smile
Even if for just a little while.
And I look at us now how could we know,
It feels the sky in saddness no lower can go.
The day has come so chilled and grey
That in this lifetime together we'll no longer pray.
Now even in death we are together
And you sheild me protectively forever.
A contest entry
- Picture Inspiration II by HerbalGoat.
300 points, ended April 26, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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This is a write of such happiness and hope that turns so sad at the end. I'm not too sure if you are bith dead in this or just one of you, but whichever it is a sad end. You have penned some lovely emotions in this and although the rhyme isn't yet perfect, we are all here to improve, share and learn. Read and comment od others works to see how they out thoughts together. That helps all of us
Keep penning poet!
Gaylene
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Welcome to alpoetry
I have no clue what those last two lines had to do with any of the rest of the poem. Your rhyme seems forced and has no real flow. I don't want to be harsh but honest.
So please don't be discouraged by my comments. I encourage you to keep writing to read and comment.
God Bless
Tammy -
Take another look at the beats in each line. You have chosen a rhyming scheme, yet there is no flow like truly wonderful rhyme poetry should, unless placed within a certain form, but you have not done this.
Also on the subject of rhyme, your rhyme is a bit 2nd grade and also a bit forced. Take another look at that too.
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