If i told you i cried today would you care?
If i told you ill die tomorrow if your not here,would you care?
If i told you,you're granted three wishes,Would i be one of them?
If i couldnt hold on much longer before i lose control
would you be there to catch me when i
f
a
l
l....
Do you not mean what you say?
Am i just the fool who gives their heart away?
If i told you i cried today,would you say i cried too?
If i told you ill die tomorrow if i cant have you,would you say then ill go with you?
Now if i told you i really loved you what would you say?
A reply of "love you too" or stare then walk away?
Well i did cry.
and i will die.
Just say you love me so i can possibly
make it through tonight
without having to say
g
o
o
d
b
y
e
.....
Author notes
im stuck between teo people yet this is how i feel bout one of them
A contest entry
- Best of the Best by Sapphire Rose.
600 points, ended May 21, 2007, 50 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - My first year on AP by forever dreaming.
450 points, ended June 17, 2007, 45 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Firstly, I like the general structure of this poem with its cascading words that really added to the overall emphasis of the piece. There is such a feeling of longing and desperation about this piece for someone who, it seems is not that interested. If they were truelly the one you were meant to be with you should not need to seek such reassurances. In my opinion, best to move on and find someone who will appreciate you for who you are and trell you they love you without having to be prompted. Overall the poem is emotional and the only other thing I would say is that if you are going to rhyme try and keep it a little tighter in places eg, the 2nd stanza could use a little re-working. Just a few small edits would improve it greatly. Thank you for entering my contest and I hope my critique does not offend you in any way.
-
I've been there, and can't seem to get out of it no matter how many times I run from situations my heart gets involved in. Terrible, I know, but if you knew my past, you might understand.
Few mistakes I've found. "If i told you,your" in the beginning, it should be "you're" and no comma. "who gives there heart", it should be "their" instead of "there". My friend still can't remember which 'there' to use, so she always comes to me first before writing anything. "say i cired too", should be "cried". Otherwise it's a nicely written piece, sad and a lil heartbreaking. Nice job.
Sweetest of dreams to you! ~D
-
-
wow thanks so much!! ya i get stuck on all the diff. theres but thanks for correcting!! im glad you liked it
-
Adding your comment:
