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Dodge Ball

 

Torrents of rubber rain,

great swarms blocking flickering lights,

hanging from wire strings;

dismal suns of the damned.

 

The nauseating metallic taste of fear,

a lightheaded high.

Breath burning in expanded lungs;

the bursting feeling of erratic heartbeats.

 

Then it falls with unstoppable fury;

earsplitting smacks in unison,

applause for schoolyard villains.

 

Thin bodies tensed for battle,

leg muscles taut and sore.

Glasses slipping down sweaty noses,

trembling hands grasping their arms,

a desperate hug.

 

The sickening look of sadistic glee;

hands raised in ignored surrender.

Bad guys ready to fire again.

 

Ducking, dodging, motion in unison,

bodies swaying to a mixed up beat.

More falling, mock macabre battlefields,

forms slumping against cool concrete walls.

 

Then one is left, standing alone;

the enemy posed for another bombardment.

Missiles flying from every direction.

"Ah... crap!"

Author notes

The Sisters Grimm
(Image by 231705 at deviantart.com)

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 14 of 14

  • N.W. Clerk
    July 24, 2007

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    You are a wonderful story teller! I enjoyed this peice very much, and had a good laugh at the end! Good job!


  • Tirrell
    June 4, 2007

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    this gave me a good chuckle, I love the imagry for it tells the whole story. Very nice beautiful peice with a comical edge to its intense feeling...Very nice!!!

  • Raven Judge
    June 4, 2007

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    I was all set to say here that you should change the title and ditch the picture as it gives away too much of the poem's premise. Saying something like that would have been a new one for me, as I typically want as much information as possible about a piece and frequetly preach author's notes until even the choir has gone home.

    So I was on the fence. What pushed me over the railing, landing firmly in the territory of not suggesting the change, is that this piece connects so well to the whole high school experience - what little I ever experienced, and what little of that experience I still retain.

    I suppose, if stretched like a rubber orb, we could expand the metaphor to life in general, but that seems a bit over-reaching. The text is much more suitable to a world within a world... the ants of drama behind the glass.

    This piece has succeeded in getting past my first impression. I'll be seeing it again before the contest is over.

    Thank you for your entry.

    ~Das


  • Just-Meghan
    May 6, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    really great.


  • Ryno
    May 6, 2007

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    First off all, I am so glad you decided to write in more stanzas this time around, it added to your poem and topic greatly. Second, imagery defiantly is your strong point.
    To me, it almost seems like when you wrote this piece, you kept every part of the rubric in mind. Your title was a sport itself, which I groaned at at first, thinking it may of been unoriginal. But after reading the poem, I see where it comes from. The creative idea of writing a serious and swelling poem, than changing it to some humor at the end is just riveting. Your abstracted phrases were unique and powerful. The flow was your weakest spot, but you were still able to recover with it, for, the only thing that hurt it was the over usage of "--" Go through your poem and decide where these are REALLY necessary, if they are not well used in a certain area, they could hurt the poem's fluency. Your imagery was out of this world, you took us right into the thrill of sports.
    I am amazed that you've never played a sport before, because you hit this poem smack on. Wonderful job. Thank-You.
    ~Ryan~


  • ten thousand cicadas gold member
    May 2, 2007

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    What a powerful opening stanza. It grabs you right away. It is filled with emotion as well as very vivid description. I found myself dying to find out what comes next! Awesome. You were able to maintain this interest throughout the poem. Awesome!

    Your title was simple as straightforward. Nothing fancy, but that worked for this piece. Everyone had memories of “Dodge Ball” so immediately, before you even start your poem, you have engaged your reader. Well done!

    This was a very creative piece. You took a common subject and presented it with all sort of fantastic description and wonderful ideas! I loved it. Also, you incorporated a lot of abstraction. Some of my favorites:
    nauseating metallic taste of fear-unbelievably creative!
    whole first stanza—brilliant!
    Breath burning in expanded lungs-I can feel that!
    Glasses slipping down sweaty noses-so visual!!!
    mock macabre battlefield-off the wall creative!! Awesome!!
    Missiles flying—captures the fear of the balls!

    Creativity and Abstraction: Your piece was LOADED with creativity and abstraction. Absolutely amazing. Loved it, loved it, loved it! On every front I was jolted with new ways of expressing familiar sensations and ideas. Marvelous!

    And oh my, the imagery. The whole idea of the battlefield takes this simple childhood game to the next level. And if you’ve ever been the one against the wall, about to be hit, (which I have) you know the fear that the game entails. You spend the first two stanzas engaging the reader in the description of the scene, preparing their imagination and their emotion for what is about to happen, and then the battle starts. Your battlefield image was carried from the time the game started in stanza 3 through the end. Very consistent and superbly done. You have also successfully engaged all of the reader’s senses. Who would have thought about taste during a dodge ball game? I mean, the metallic taste of fear was AWESOME.

    I loved “torrents” and the “swarms” and so many of your other images. I just can not express enough how very well done this piece is!

    The only thing about your poem that did not appeal to me was your last line. For me your poem had built in such intensity, that “Ah, crap” just didn’t have the impact that I was looking for in a climax. It is a good portrayal of the fear and resignation to imminent doom that the poor remaining kid feels, but it didn’t pack quite enough punch for me. For me it affected the build and flow of the end, although only to a minor degree.

    Overall, this is an EXTREMELY well done poem. You stayed on topic and used all of the elements of the contest, quite to your advantage. You will do well in the contest!!!


  • -Ink Artist-
    May 2, 2007

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    You aced this round! This is excellent! Gosh, I could feel the "rubber rain" and remember those dreaded dodge ball school days. Very impressive abstraction with incredibly vibrant and energetic imagery. Best of luck in this round!


    ~Lori


  • AliceinPoetryLand gold member
    May 2, 2007

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    Ahh just wonderful! So very creative and enthralling to read.. I just loved the flow, abstraction and imagery.
    Fabulous entry.
    Gaylene


  • Cupcrazy gold member
    May 1, 2007

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    Excellent

    This is such a wonderfully creative piece. Excelelnt form and flow and you certainly fulfilled the requirments exceedingly well. Excellent Hugs, Bunny


  • poetryality silver member
    April 30, 2007

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    Your first stanza is a wonderful example of creative language usage, and imagery. Excellent! This is a wonderful in-motion writ. I never really like "dodge ball". Contact sports that tend to caused pain made me run quickly in the other direction. LOL I think my brothers made me hate the game. They just hit us too hard, and had excellent aim. I wish you well in this Round.


    Much Love ♥

    Renee


  • trista gold member
    April 29, 2007

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    I never was a good one for playing sports of any kind. Maybe that's why I was so thrilled when Poker became an offical "sport". I can dodge cards a heck of a lot easier than balls. lol I think you did a great job on this, including all the senses beautifully. Good luck to you in the contest!

    Best wishes,
    ~J.


  • Electric Sunrise gold member
    April 26, 2007

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    Now thats a clever one, you've taken a very much simple idea, and twisted it and made it brilliant. Some very very descriptive imagery. Loved it, great write.


  • maa gold member
    April 26, 2007

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    a very unique and highly creative poem with descriptive imagery and original vocabulary ...
    I just adored this line about "The nauseating metallic taste of fear" ... you are a good observer !
    all together, a masterfully approached and accomplished assignment, faithful to the requirement ... for somebody who doesn't play any sports, you have truly surpassed yourself here ...

    maa


  • countrybabe gold member
    April 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Well Done

    Well done on this piece. I loved every word of it. Especially the ending Good luck to you in this round.

    Keep writing

    Countrybabe

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