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Birds

Birds as colorful as a mango
chirped in cages-content
and ignorant. Sounds of
flapping echo throughout the store.

Content at being caged,
they scrounge in playful
ignorance for food and a
mate to spend the night with.

Searching for love,
the little birds
fail to notice
the child creeping towards them.

Small birds squak in fear
as the child screams, and
feathers, the color of
a mango, float through the air.

Revision:

Birds as colorful as a mango
--green, red, orange, yellow--
chirp in cages, content
and ignorant. Sounds of
flapping echo throughout the store.
Whistling playfully, they
bounce on twig-thin feet in an
attempt to charm a companion.

        * * *
A child, malicious and ornery,
creeps amidst display cases
like a lioness hunting food
for family. The kid
inches closer, intent on his
mission. He is a predator
on the quest for victory.
"KABOOM!" The boy shrieks
while pummelling his small fists
on the wire caging.

        * * *
The small birds squawk in fear,
flying in a frenzy to
escape the onslaught. The child
laughs while feathers, the color
of tropical fruit, float through the air.

This is the last poem for creative writing. Please tell me what you think. Does it completely suck? Or only a little? HELP PLEASE.

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Comments


  • grannyeri gold member
    April 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    It might just be me, but this reads more like prose than poetry. Can't seem to get into it. Reads more like sentences, not lines of poetry. Too wordy, if you understand what I mean. Try to get some flow going. All the periods stop the flow and and one has to start again. Think you can write something similar in a different form - more free verse with less words. Change the sentences into poetry... (Easy to say, eh?) Think you can do this - starting now...