As I sat there,
I was engrossed
in the thoughts I entertained,
as well as the serum
I sipped at-
the heat bit my tongue,
and the taste, my senses.
With roaring rain and dreary mind,
I almost missed the question
she practically hissed,
"What's that you're drinkin'?"
I winked and began to think of a reply
I considered telling her
that I consumed the last
symbol of a dying breed-
the romantic, holding
a steaming mug,
lurking in his darkened den
Or, that it was my
last remittance-
the end of my vices;
that my loathing for it
falls only short
of the certainty I'll
have another
Maybe, my witch's brew; slowly
now I begin my transformation-
while it may call no re-animations,
I can feel invigoration spreading
through my veins
Perhaps the poet's poison:
keeping him thinking, ticking
as it churns in his stomach
&makes him bleed words.
I say,
"Just some crappy
McDonald's Coffee."
Author notes
I like harsh (but pointed) criticism. Shoot away!
A contest entry
- On The Spot Creation by Draicon.
445 points, ended April 27, 2007, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Just because I want to................ :) by Entwining Beauty.
400 points, ended April 29, 2007, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Everything.
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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I love the cynical bite of this.
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...shooting.
honestly, I like this a lot. The setup of the stanzas is intriguing; it's almost as if you're subtly changing styles with each one. Only problem I have is of the nitpicky grammatical type. In the line, "What's that your drinking" that your should be you are, as in,
"What's that you're drinking?"
unless it's intentional. Then, whatever. /end babbling
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this is very good i never knew it was about coffee lol very good thanks for entering
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I agree with Ben on the poets poison. My tongue literally almost fell out my mouth when I read the Mc D part ..
hahaha
I used to be a plain ole coffee girl til I moved to the Pacific Northwest (they really do brainwash you here.. White Chocolate Mocha Please before you know it)
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I liked this, a lot. I loved the last line too, made me smile. Wonderful job on this. Good luck in the contest. Keep on writing. God Bless!
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I like it...you painted a lovely image here with your poem..very direct and to the point...I like that..nicely done..thanks for sharing
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I agree with Crooks Oneil, I really enjoyed the first part of this poem, the flow was great, your choices of vocab and you phrasing were excellent and then the fact it was a McDonalds Coffee - oh god. I know that was your intention but I did feel slightly disappointed, being a romantic I wanted more romance.
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I like mine with about 50% milk
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i really enjoyed this one - though i thought the ending was somewhat of a letdown - all that talk of the last symbol of the dying romantics, the lifeblood of the poet and what not - McDonalds? seemed a tad mundane. i'm quite sure it was done on purpose, but i think the same effect could have been done more elequently.
other than the last few lines though, i thought it was great!
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Coffee -nothing like it - no matter what others think you're drinking. Great on the spot creation you have entered into this contest. One is never enough....
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Can't be harsh here because this is a great piece. I like minds that never stop thinking and also thinking before speaking. Or,not wanting to go there sometimes.. Good luck in the contest. d
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Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... caffiene...
Speaking of which I could just about use some right now. This was really entertaining. Line 33 should be "it" I believe instead of "I". I often catch myself doing the same thing at work, trying to come up with an entertaining way to describe something mundane. Hehe, I think I will never be able to call it coffee again... I like poet's poison so much more. A wonderful write. I needed a good laugh
Thanks,
Ben -
Ahahaha! I love it! I especially how you started it off epic as if it were alluding to some fantastical life event or the very creation of poetry...then you turned it around at an all together very humerous sting toward McDonalds. I really loved the imagery here. I've never read a humor piece quite like this. It was really a very lovely read and I loved the contemporary style! You utilized it well. The diction of the third person was also a nice touch as it was very realistic. I've written quite a few pieces on coffee...it seems to be the new symbol of creativity or the 20th centruy in general! I love this fresh twist on it. Nice work, indeed!
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Interesting! I like your tone and how you describe your thought process when you hear the question.
Its a hard thing to do, but I think shortening it might be good. I found myself wanting to skip to the end at some points.
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