For The Record, Her Diary::The Series

(This is the entire For the Record Series. So all these are already on here, but these are the finals)



For The Record, Her Diary I

{she is held hostage
by the never-ending,
reverberating thoughts
of anger, jealousy, and pain
that scream insanely for hours
trying to get the words out
but her voice can't seem to
speak them}

{it continues
and started over nothing.
the childishness of it all
astounds her, but still
she is overcome with the
pangs of envy and spite,
secretly longing for the
surprise inside the box}

{the strings of rejection
hang over her muddled head
as she fights with herself
in the bathroom, arguing whether
or not to say those thoughts
sleeping somewhere in her mouth
that she is trying to put
into words}

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
{she has given up on fighting
with herself constantly, and is
too tired to try to fight with others.
the last things holding her life seem
to be slipping out of her grasp
and new findings hurt even more
in her slowly beating heart}

{and after waiting for her break
she seemed to have it delivered in
an awkward moment,
but it was a one-time-thing,
nothing at all, caught-in-the-moment:
so after the fun comes pain
and of course guilt and regret.}


{she won't let all of it go, there's a little hope left}




For the Record, Her Diary II

Skin salted from the sweat of the summer heat--
Wishing those raindrops would
fall
down
upon her golden halo.
She is sick of this and that,
But it doesn’t matter in the crazy world she
dares to call home.

.Dares.
Still, deep inside, she knows this
is not her place.

She jumps on every hint,
every prospect
{of finding her gold}

So, she sleeps in the heat
[Even the stars seem to spite her dreams]
Tossing and turning, she prays
She hopes, she wishes-
                              {for a home}
Resorting to calling out to the moon
In the dead of night.

{Everything seems to spite her very being}
        [Even the salt of sweat]
            {Drying on her thirsty skin}




For The Record, Her Diary III

she twirls in poppies and dandelions
in the falling darkness and moonrise
her cares and thoughts were dropped as
she started to dance

[he sits on the side,
{being the boy that she still has hope for}]
when tired, she takes comfort sitting
in the moonlight
          {which is the only
          thing keeping her
          a little bit warm}
and in the night, the cares and worries return
she does not understand
    the ring on her finger,
    the blood in her veins,
    or why she can see every rib-
    like the skin is simply being stretched
she looks at him sleeping soundly, smiles softly, and whispers
“Wild nights are my glory and even fireworks, my Star, eventually do drift back home”



For The Record, Her Diary IV

If she says
    “Your smile brightens me”
Will he be despondent and never laugh?

“I need your warmth, please, I’m too thin
                to keep my own.”
  He hands her a jar and says
        “There’s millions of fireflies out there-
            catch them and hope they burn.”

    The level of friendship
    Reminds her of
    a hot cup of coffee,
    bitter and energizing
          and she can’t get the taste
          out of her mouth.

The level of fear
Makes him want to
hit the next passerby
which would undoubtedly be her.
So he holds great restraint.

the next day he gives her wings by holding up a rose and
slipping his hand in hers. her smile returns and shines golden.
                            “please forgive me”
                                      they say.




For The Record, Her Diary V

she looks into his eyes
and smiles like never before

feeling something she hasn't felt in awhile

                        He wraps his arms around her shivering body-
                        frightened at how thin she really is and how stupid
                        he had been.
"The fireflies didn't burn" 
    she mumbles into his chest.
              "I'm sorry-
              I should have known to not
              leave you in the cold" he says with sincerity

all she can do is squeeze his hand
because her breath is caught in her throat
after hearing the words she has been longing to hear


her wings are spread and she jumps off the building
but is caught by her lover's wind, strong and protective,
and takes her up to the new heights.




For The Record, Her Diary VI
(AKA Sunkissed Oranges {For Our Reason}

I want to take off your skin
like those clementines you eat every day-
{the ones you are so in love with}
just so I can see what's happening
and as soon as I get that skin off
I can open your mind and dive in.
I want to devour you and learn
all the secrets you've kept.

I ate a sour orange this morning.
it was not the same as
that piece of sweet clementine you gave me
{a touch of heart perhaps?}
still, I was reminded of you
and everything that has been shared
in the long nights past.

I keep going back to those clementines
and wondering if you taste like them
{just because you're eaten so many}




For The Record, Her Diary VII

there's only so many times
that she can say the same thing
over and over again
But he still does not hear
nor get the point
of this reiteration.

He would realize, and
her voice would penetrate his skull
like hammer, nail and wood
or that her eyes would cause a head turning
But her is the master at avoiding this.
{They proved this last year, she remembers now}

She finds herself not thinking about him so much
{it may not be a good thing}
She fears for him, his health and safety as
she always have.
But now even more so because she
doesn’t know what's going on
with him.

She convinced herself that she didn't love him,
that the school girl crush still reigned.

but now she’s not so sure what went on
in her head & his
His mind the most because she couldn't see inside
and his words puzzled her at the moment,
so she agreed so she could have him.

So once again she’s waiting on him
to give the final verdict.




For The Record, Her Diary VIII

she has found
many new words with the meaning of happy
that all describe her now

she has found
that the silence of months past
was not case by something she did
and really, had little reason behind it

she has found
there is no hatred or dislike,
but still compassion

she has not felt this way,
since exactly a year ago,
and wonders why it took her so long to speak.
It matters little now,
Because she cares for him
and he still cares for her
so she'll rejoice in having her friend-
force the voices from her mind-
and laugh freely now.

{She has a smile on her face that she can't get rid of
her nightmares have lifted and all she can do
is be happy}



For The Record, Her Diary IX

She told him she needed to talk to him
She was going to ask him
what the fuck
is going on
and tell him
that she needs him or she will go insane-
to the ground-
crazy.
Out of this world.

She wants him so badly
everything he is-
how he acts and
how he moves
how he speaks and what he says to her--
it hits her right to the bones
down to her core.
(as pathetic as it is)

She really needs
to talk to him
but now she guesses she’s going to have
to muster up her courage
and talk to him
face
to
face.
because nothing else is working

She doesn’t understand this,
why these things keep happening
and why
he's still
in
her
head.
Because she’s worked so hard
to try to
free
herself.





For The Record, Her Diary X

She can't stop herself from
dancing-
out under the moon
on a clear, crisp night
{oh the stars are falling all around}
Her happiness astounds everyone and
her smile
hasn't gone away yet.
Laughter rings out in the meadow
as the emotions start to fly
{oh just like the sparrows, the freebirds}
He's standing on the side again
-but with a new face-
a new heart-
and new, kinder intentions
{such love}
She collapses in his arms
out of breath,
and lets him kiss her.






For The Record, Her Diary XI

In the last ditch effort:
      She breathes in deep and lets it out
          too slowly.
  mentally preparing herself for the
      horse-like kicks aimed at her stomach.

Her dancing was futile, his words were fake
      That time was wasted
          love has been unkind to her
      His betrayal runs too deep.
     
      She sighs and breathes deep again.
      It always takes more than one breath.
      realistically, it's pathetic.

Her fireflies are gone, the moon is shadowed
      The poppy fields are burnt
          and his kiss still lingers
  She swears it was worth it.
      Breathe. Breathe. The kicks are aimed.


For The Record, Her Diary XII
(Poem for Herself, 17 Years old)

A year ago you would have been so happy
to see where you now are. Your mastery
and all the time you have spent in your
sweaty efforts. The tears you have poured
and the sores you have rubbed out of your
legs and feet: the scars you have gained
and the ribbons hung on the wall.
A year ago you would have jumped into
this position, unthinkingly. Your hands have
developed tough callouses and your posture
is of a rider's. But where is that sparkle,
where is your passion?
You have been beaten into the ground. O child
of mane and tail. Your self of a year ago
is cursing you, telling you to get up off
your feet. You have such potential, such
strength. The determination you still carry
like a puppy, the stubborness of wanting to
learn and thriving off those critques. The
inspiration and beauty you found in the fields,
watching the horses gallop and twist and buck
still lingers, still pushes you to want
that mastery. But dear, the sugar coating
has been wearing away and now the most you
can do is cry, cry, let your trainer tear you
apart and thrive on everything she has given you so far.



For the Record, Her Diary XIII

When her cousin mentions she can’t imagine marrying
anyone else, or rather, being with anyone else
than the boy she grew up with,
the boy she went to six high school dances with,
she remembers she thought the same
thing about him the other day while driving over
the bridge on the way to work.
It was foggy, and the water beneath her w
as a pretty blue-green. She remembers thinking,
How am I supposed to do anything different?
He was there at the darkest times and he knows her better than anyone.
Clichéd, and almost too much,
but she doesn’t know how to move on
and how to imagine herself being
and marrying anyone else. Now it doesn’t matter.
Now she is seventeen and is forcing herself
to the goal of valedictorian and Ivy League.
He is only sixteen, and doesn’t know what
he wants to do with his life.
She wanted to tell him at the concert,
where they sat together for two hours,
that You are mine always and I 
will look you up during college breaks
like you told me to.
They will continue to talk the way
they always have, even though he has
a girlfriend and she looks away when
she sees him&her together. It doesn’t matter.
Before she leaves for college, he’ll be the
last she says goodbye to, and when she comes home,
he’ll be the first she finds to hug. 


For The Record, Her Diary XIV

Her sister dislikes him because he hurt her,
over those months when they were involved.
She was warned to stay away from him,
by too many people, but they couldn’t
help themselves. Maybe they were right
and maybe they were wrong. But when he
replaced her, she didn’t know what to do.
She walked down the hall and felt like
throwing up when she saw him kiss the other girl.
That should have been her. Everyone all knew it.
He betrayed her and left her in the alleyway, used.
He doesn’t deserve her anymore.
He gave her a flower in repentance, a kind gesture.
He doesn’t mention the other one’s name around her,
and for that she is grateful. She knows
he’s the only one who understands, who knows.
What else is there? They can tell each other
everything with a glance.
But when he put his hands on her hips at prom,
she felt violated yet comforted.
She asked him for that. It might have been wrong.
She misses him and he doesn’t deserve her.


For The Record, Her Diary XV
The only thing she can do right now
is remind herself there is someone out
there who deserves her more than he does
and hope that he'll fly in soon.
Then she could stop worrying about him
and stop saying It Should Have Been Me.
Granted, she will never forget him. That was their
bottom line at the start of this all.
They cannot forget each other.
He’s leaned on her, her on him. So when she sees that,
all she’s going to do is close her eyes,
and bite her lips, and not cry.
He never deserved the kisses she planted
on his cheek and neck, or their secret tryst
in the backroom. She was so flustered, stammering
and shaking, and he smiled and laughed at her,
but kissed her anyways and shoved her
against the wall where she belonged.
She wanted him to hold on to her and
not let go and he did.
Those long nights she went sleepless
he didn’t deserve. She stayed awake for him.
She could never forget him.


For The Record, Her Diary XVI

She caught him staring at her
in English class like he used
to in band and trigonometry last year
when he still wanted her. She has to wonder.
Her paranoia is so bad but yet she still
has to be afraid for him and to say that
his Girlfriend doesn't deserve him.
Sometimes he is so honest and though she doesn’t know
what they talk about, the Other One doesn't
seem so as much. He is so laid back,
maybe he doesn't see it. Or maybe she just
wants to see it.
But she caught him staring at her and
he gave her that look of "I know what you're thinking,
same thing as always." The look they share too much.
He wrote it in her yearbook and she will
stick to it that they can tell each other
everything with a glance because they've told
each other enough to just know. They stayed up
until 3AM the other night and her sister
is ready to ban her from talking to
him too much. She can't though. He is a
stronghold to her whether they both
like it or not. He talks to her
like nothing is different and never
says the other’s name. She repeats this because
it means a lot. She has tried so hard
to move on and may be finally succeeding.
She’s not sure. But she caught him and this
is the first year that they don't have
almost every class together like it was
in the underclassmen days. Today was their
last first day of high school and the
first day they were allowed to drive
to school. So far from the days of 9th
period gifted and throwing crumpled up
paper balls at each other. O Dear she may
be saying too much but she doesn't trust
the other and she seems to have his best
interests in mind even though he screwed
her over too many times. She is excited
and scared because in 173 days they will
be done with school and she might lose him
forever. He means too much to her, her disaster.