We feel the silence on the edge of sleep --
an ache, a stillness you and I descry
both gazing from our windows at the deep.
Unwelcomed doubts arise, routine retreats;
and there, between a sorrow and a sigh,
we feel the silence on the edge of sleep.
Too full of thoughts to dream, too tired to weep,
and nothing in our hearts to tell us why --
we're gazing from our windows at the deep.
Ten thousand stars aren't bright enough to keep
the ache at bay; regardless, how they try!
We feel the silence on the edge of sleep.
With restless souls, we scale the incomplete.
As though a code were written in the sky,
we're gazing from our windows at the deep.
The winds, with wails of Sirens, slowly sweep
an audience of branches side to side.
We feel the silence on the edge of sleep,
still gazing from our windows at the deep.
In a list
A contest entry
- Second Chance Contest for Sonnets and Villanelles, original entrrants only by ecrivain01.
450 points, ended October 8, 2007, 6 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 47 of 47
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I posted the link.
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brilliant piece!!
the flow is very smooth.the repitition of the 3rd line and some words gives the musical impact to the poem.
you just used simple words .that does not reqiure the readers of non-natine speakers of english to open the dictionary from time to time. it made the poem comprehensible.
i observe the style of having hypenated in some line-very nice.
it is unusual to ecounter poem with 3 lines for every stanza -i can't comment for that.
congrats!!!
keep up the good work!
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Villanelles have five stanzas ...
with three lines and one final stanza with four.
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It's always in the dead of night when I become at my most ponderous. Sleep for me has never been an easy task, though easier when someone is beside me. That said, I feel it awfully if there is a distance or coldness, and cannot sleep on an issue or argument! When all is quiet and the midnight blue paints the sky, that is my time ... away from the world.
"Unwelcomed doubts arise, routine retreats;
and there, between a sorrow and a sigh,
we feel the silence on the edge of sleep.
Too full of thoughts to dream, too tired to weep,
and nothing in our hearts to tell us why --
we're gazing from our windows at the deep."
The above two stanzas echoed something relevant to me personally. It enlivens and intrigues me when another's words can have that affect.
My kind of poetry, deserving of its gold beyond a doubt.
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So sad
But beautiful write I love ahow you embraced your thoughts your words are eye catching and thought provoking. I love the way you brought your thoughts out one trys to sleep as your mind searches the deep things . You really brought out the whole depth of your poem from start to finish I can relate so well with your words.Great write!
God Bless!
Sharon
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I'm glad to see it's won the gold! What a magnificent poem!!!!!!!!!!
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Very nice villanelle. The lines are well-thought through how they are reintroduced and smoothly carry new meaning in the next position. Great.
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Breathtakingly Beautiful Write.
This was an amazing write. So full of suffocating emotion and silencing beauty. The imagery conveyed is captivating and the sights are stunning. I really enjoyed the flow of this poem, it accented the tone and the imagery nicely. It was a beautiful write. Thank you so much for sharing. And keep writing.
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Wow. Wow. That is absolutely fantastic. I love this poem. You deserved the gold on this. The rhyme was perfect and the emotion was stunning. I loved reading it. It was like a sad lullaby. Beautiful.
Write on.
~*~SP~*~
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nice piece keep it up i like it.
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ten thousand stars aernt enough to keep the ache at bay
this is deliciously ood and i really relate to that line, this is a real little gem of a poem
thanks
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Awe, what a beautiful dedication. This was stunning and very touching.
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I really really like this poem. i can tell you are a songwriter! Much applause to you! Kelly is a lucky girl.
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Stunning!. Just now stumbled on your work and I am very impressed. It is very difficult to keep an idea flowing through a villanelle with all the necessary repeats. One small suggestion: in line 9, try "we gaze from our windows". I have been conditioned to suspect -ing words and want just a little break. But that's just me. Very well done.
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WOW!
This is one of the best villanelles I have ever read,
I loved how you used 'deep' as in deep space, or nightime sky?? I also felt it was implying a personal deep feeling in your hearts.
and we 'hear' the silence, because some may think we don't, but we DO.
I felt there was such sadness in the mood of this, an underlying need that wasn't speculated on, and I got it.
Fav. line:
"We feel the silence on the edge of sleep,"
this should go down in history as a famous quote, hehehe.
BRAVO!
Loved this.
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Interesting
Nice work Corey... I will tell you though, I am not much of a sugar coater (so I appreciate your front page warning to writers wanting true critiques). I liked some of the ways you repeated the theme. To start... the title... I kind of think "I hear the silence" would fit better (you can't really "feel" silence - arguably).. I guess, ironically, you can't hear it eighter.. but it is a sound (or lack thereof). 2nd - "gazing at the deep'" I guess I'm not all that sure what the "deep" is, other than a word that rhymes with "sleep." 3rd - retreats/sleep (stanza2) is not a rhyme (I'm kind of a stickler on that unless it's a song) 4th - if you are going to insist on using the same line in each stanza (I think 1st and last might suffice for the impact you are looking for), then atleast don't use the same rhyming words. k.e., you could use "keep", or "reap", or "leap" - my thing is... I believe, in rhyming poetry your reader will always look for a discernable pattern, if they don't find it, they stumble and pay more attention to finding the pattern that to the words that you penned. If you are going to rhyme the same words, it better have a significant impact, otherwise it just seems like redundancy. 5th - you broke your pattern in the final verse... I'm not sure why. I know this sounds critical, but if I didn't like it, I would just say "nice work" or something like that. I can see you have talent, passion, and purpose. I am looking forward to reading more - Kevin
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Thanks for you input, Kevin.
The first three critiques are simply differences in opinion. To #1, I remember considering "we hear the silence" but I felt that it was too predictable (there are so many popular ideas that are similar like "deafening silence" and "screaming silence"). Also, since what I was trying to hone in on was a feeling, I thought it was appropriate. To #2, you could probably parallel my use of the word "deep" (meaning the night sky) to maybe an older poet's use of the word "night" or "sleep" to mean death. It sufficed. To #3, I used to be a meter puritan and a rhyme fiend, but the more I read poets who move me like Frost, Dunbar or Tennyson, the more I've realized that the poets actually embraced loose meter and slant rhymes (like retreat/sleep). I think they sort of rebelled against meticulousness to focus on the message.
As to the last two critiques, the form of this poem is a villanelle. The most popular villanelle in existence is "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night" by Dylan Thomas (it's a beautiful poem, check it out!). To understand the structure of the form, click here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Villanelle
What's most difficult about it is that you only have two rhymes to work with the whole way through.
By the way, after you brought up "succor" in "If I Could Show You", I did a little homework and came to realize I was pronouncing it completely wrong. The real pronunciation (because of the accent on the first syllable) throws off the flow of the poem. So THANK YOU for pointing that out. Otherwise, I would have probably never discovered it on my own.
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This is really great work.
Im amazed how the words fit together in this wonderful way
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this is a great write. another amazing peice.
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This is an excellent piece! Congratulations on winning the gold for this one. It's a stunning write with a brilliant flow.
Keep up the good work!
Love,
Alyzeh
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this is really sweet. i feel all ignorant and stupid commenting on this. i suck at form poetry... anyway, this form poem flowed really well too. very well written and sweet. hope kelly reads it.
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This is beautiful. The part that touched me most was:
Too full of thoughts to dream, too tired to weep,
and nothing in our hearts to tell us why --
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Outstanding -- extremely good writing
You write REAL (great) POETRY.
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Your poems are brilliant!
Congratulations on all the trophies, they're well deserved!
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Nicely done.
Have you thought of using 'cross instead of across? -
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The line originally rendered solid iambs. I actually preferred the anapestic variation in this instance.
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Hi a wonderful villanelle but I would not expect less from you, you are a natural poet, and it is always a pleasure to read your poetry, go for gold, hugs Di
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'With restless souls, we scale the incomplete....'
this is such a lovely villanelle...so beautiful that it hurts...so serene that it disturbs...very captivating indeed...
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There should be ...
a semicolon after retreats in line 4. Otherwise, I can't imagine how you could improve on this. Great poem. -
"Ten-thousand stars aren't bright enough to keep
the ache at bay; regardless how they try,
we feel the silence on the edge of sleep."
wonderful piece of writing, emotional and open. I love your repetiveness it really drives the feeling home.
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A very romantic piece this one. I admire your ability to put that ache that we have all felt at somtime in our lives into such a vivid poem. See I can't even put my words into a sentence. But I think you'll know what I am trying to say
Like it very much. Good luck
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Excellent ...
Nice to hear from you.
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ah - one of my favorite forms, and perfectly done as always
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Excellent write, skillfully crafted, with a nice pace to it, some very deep and lasting imagery here, and i wish you the best of luck in the contest.
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Fabulous villanelle! I loved every last line. Having only 2 rhymes to work with throughout the whole poem can sometimes make the rhyme scheme obvious without doing the poem any great favors... yours does not. This is executed superbly from language to topic to form. Great job. *hug*s and best wishes always... ~Genie~
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Love the repetitive flow to this. Very well metered and verbalized.
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what is it about gazing out at the dark night brings out so many different emotions, it is almost as though what we feel in our soul has expanded to the whole world at that point. This is a sad, emotional piece of writing.
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What a smart-paced villianelle
What a smart-paced villianelle this was..
I have never tried it before, but I see that there is an alternating refrain which you have used many times, not blocking the flow, but boosting it and adding a most tasty flavor to the whole atmosphere.
I have always been a fan of sleep as to strike my muse by it, what's in sleep, what does sleep bring with its comfort, the faint line between sleep and waking.
In this poem you managed to elaborate the cloudy blurry sensation before the edge of sleep, all with its menaces and possibilities..
Too full of thoughts to dream, too tired to weep,
and nothing in our hearts to tell us why --
we're gazing from our windows at the deep.
This is truly amazing, I fin it that you have a very talented pen in metre and Iambic, maybe you ought to check out some of mine as well.
I suggesst my (To sleep) Sonnet.
You have earned my respect, any one with metres and Iambic does..lol.
But yours was dimensional, and creative.
There's no critique on this, just admiration.
RD. -
Amazing. Just amazing. After hearing this before it was complete, I can honestly say that you didn't cut any corners are all in writing this. This is a poem of sheer determination, and you can color mre impressed.
I love it.
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These were my favorite lines, "The winds, with wails of Sirens, slowly sweep
an audience of branches side to side."
You made this form look so easy, but I know otherwise. Nicely done.
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stunningly beautiful! the 4th and last stanzas were my favorites!
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I'm so glad you've posted again! I've missed reading your work. Beautiful piece to revive our little poetry world with.
I know "the silence on the edge of sleep" you speak of. I love that you wrote about it. At the risk of sounding horridly depressed, that's one of my favorite things in life thus far. Plenty more I could say about that, but there's no need.
Anyway. Great write. So glad to see you sharing again.
Katy
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Kelly, eh? You may take a while to write, but you're always consistent.
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A lonesome longing for one not there is felt with this poem. It's repetitive one line gives a lyrical quality to it. Nicely done.
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Bookmarked
Will come again to critique, my applause for now.
I am weary now, and I fear to underistimate this brilliant piece by any un-accounted comment.
RD.
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WOW!
This is a villanelle that has shared some interesting thought in a most unique way. I liked it and I too can relate to that silence and to your exact feelings. My favorite imagery line was "an audience of branches side to side". A WOW of realization. joy
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Okey, I just awoke half an hour ago from a nap I didn't know I was taking - lol - and I'm still kinda confused that I lost over 2 hours of my evening
Anyway, that confusion also led to the fact that you had me wondering why some lines came back and what rhymescheme you had... It took me some seconds really to actually realize this is a villanelle
how dumb is that? 
Anywho, you did a great job with this one
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