If love's a four hundred meter
Freestyle relay race,
I swam up to the edge
But you never jumped in.
We lost
And it's all your fault.
I know you can swim...
Author notes
I decided to play on my entry that was deleted.
option 3, per contest rules
(I put the "400m" as you said you prefer it, but it seems kinda out of place, no?)
A contest entry
- Let's try something different, shall we? (for poetry and short stories) by Picnic-Lightning.
550 points, ended May 7, 2007, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
That's... rather elegant really. A semi ironic look at the rather clicheed concept of love with a bitter sweet edge is the way I read it... it's rather refreshing really. Nice
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Well, all right, I'll let it stay---Just because you asked so nicely XP
Actually, I thought it was nothing short of excellent
Definetly something you don't see every day.
I like the brevity--and the fact that you didn't rely on snazzy words to get your emotions across, they're just there (oh, wonderfully eloquent am I, no? XD)
It's very natural, and very precise--Normally you write out numbers like "four hundred" but I don't know that it's so awful this way--just an alternitive to think about.--2nd line is just a bit lengthy (syllable wise) I think--but nothing dire.
Brilliantly done.
-Nadya
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