neonatal mazes formed, far too quick
to outsource crazes.
proven bilinguals judge me
criminally couch-bound,
but still canoe my canals.
Spain swoons in a buzzed throat and
falls a meter,
mired in conquering Yankees.
conjugations span synapses and
surface in slumber,
but Aural flair eludes
me.
Knee-jerk knuckles exceed desktop demands
of a mentor's schedule,
bereft of moral maintenance.
thus dendrites ash to shadows
in this Fractured
Frame of mind. After all,
Tricksters assault sleep and
mar morning Memories.
Armed with Bombay, I
Relish this sunken, Sapphire sight
set on the Serpent's solution-
but Night nor semester Ends on my Time.
Author notes
what i consider to be my most personal poem, and if i can get past feeling egotistical, also my very best. please leave a constructively critical comment if any comment at all. Please!!!
and i feel so contrived and artificial when i explain stuff about my poems, but pretty much everyone that's commented on this has expressed confusion and often, distaste, so i will explain this much here. my father was born and raised in puerto rico, making me half hispanic, since my mom was born in arizona to anglo parents. so, referring to the title, 50 stars represents the USA and 50% percent represents being half hispanic.
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Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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I admit this poem made me say "huh" and then I reread it. I think you sacrificed comprehension in the interests of intense vocabulary. A good poem can be both erudite and understandable. Dictionary overload does you a disservice. For example in Line 1 "adjudicate me" is an incorrect usage. "Judge me" would have been simplier and more correct grammar. Your words are meant to be shared and they have no value if the reader does not know what you are talking about.
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hey i know its been absolutely forever since you looked at this poem, but i just re-visited this site yesterday (after a multi-month long break) and am feeling a bit reinvigorated with respect to writing. i went back over your comment and revised a few different parts of this poem, and am very interested in your opinion. as i said before, i don't really think that there are very many difficult words in this, but at the same time i do think i understand what you originally said. i know i appreciate it, and i kept it all in mind while revising. any further comment you may feel like making on this piece of mine would be much welcomed!
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well what you say is very true, but i really don't think there are that many difficult words in this poem.....
thanks for the tip on "adjudicate" though, i didn't know that and will have to rework that
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Great write, thanks for entering and good luck.
PL
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Wow, that was intense! Your word choice is beautiful, and you make seeking the correct words seem easy!! The imagery is phenomenal I felt a hint of abstract qualities within the lines--and I love that! I can't find anything to change, it's just that good!
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Some complex but very interesting and intense words used in this piece, very expressive. Sounds like a title of a song 50% of nothing
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well, I will start of by saying that when I read the poem, I thought the structure and flow worked well, but that's all I really got out of it. There were a lot of words I didn't understand which made it all confusing for me. I have no idea what this poem is about or what you are trying to get across lol.
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ok well there are dictionaries haha but that's ok. and the comments from before do pretty much explain what this is about. thanks for commenting
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... Well, you certainly did a great job describing the difficulty of language! It is great in its poetic anonymity, but remains to be one of those poems that cannot be understood until it is explained. At least after you 'splained it there was much more meaning there.
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well when i write i always purposefully try to leave it open to multiple credible interpretations. in my opinion that's part of what makes a good poem. i like to think that if you really think about this, you can make the connection to language, but maybe i'm wrong. thanks for the comment.
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Great alliteration in these lines, and what verbiage as well. Never have learned Spanish either, but it seems as if you are mastering it! LOL Good luck with the language. Easier to learn when one is young.
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I am trying out Italian which is very similar to Spanish but with more Z's!
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I liked this. Its too bad you can't enter your own contest You'd surly win.
"
I grow weary ever in a
fractured frame of mind.
Tricksters assault in sleep-
mar the morning memories."
what planet are you from? I loved this line. mar the morning memories...amazing. You definitely have your own voice, style and flair.
Mui bien
Creatress
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i assure you i'm a fellow earthling, though perhaps a reluctant one. thanks again
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Comment by Judge
How embarrassing for me that I don’t understand this. It probably goes over better with those who are better educated and have a larger vocabulary. Thanks for giving me a chance to read it.
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well i hate explaining my poems, but please give it another shot. i'm just a college dropout and if i managed to write it then i know you can understand it. to give you a little background info i've been trying to learn spanish, and this is partly about my struggle to learn the language. so "mired in yankees" means more or less that my mouth is stuck in english and cortez (representing Spain and spanish) can't conquer me, or i can't learn spanish.
learning spanish isn't the whole message of the poem, but it ties into just about any interpretation i can see someone getting from this. the general difficulties of learning something new and trying to rework your beliefs and ideas in your head is kind of the gist of the poem. and i don't know if you need this, but Bombay Sapphire is a brand of gin, so that is where the reference in the last stanza comes from. anyway hope this helps and feel free to ask me anything else you want
hee hee i admit that i'm explaining this to you in the interest of improving my chances in your contest, but a tiny bit of vanity never killed anyone i guess -
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See? There's the problem. You dropped out of college while I dropped out of high school. [please don't tell anyone. i would be ever so embarrassed.] If I were you, I would submit this poem whenever it met criterion. allpoetry.com has some highly educated, well versed poets who will ‘eat this up’. Have a bright future.
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I liked the metaphor.
Thank you for your entry,
Best of luck.
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i understand the rigors of reading dozens, if not hundreds of poems for a contest. so i just want to ask you to take another look at this poem of mine and comment on it outside of any contest. thanks
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This was strange... I'm not sure if I really enjoyed it... It just seemed a little too random for me... although I do give you props for creativity.
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well that's cool. if you would like to understand it a little better i suggest reading the comments below because others have had similar reactions. thanks for the comment
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wow! there's some excellent symobolism in all this! very well written!! Now that I've read your author's notes and your reply to the comment below, I can understand this poem better, and i have to say it is incredibly well done!! thank you for this entry it really is an excellent poem! take care, Sam (Dreams27) xxxx
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Nice free verse! Blackday would like you if you wrote mostly free verse... same with the poet voices.
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: )
I was wondering why you put that in your poem, and then you explained in the author notes. That was some creative symbolism you used there. I like. Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest. -
Thank you for subjecting yourself to my review. I am sorry but I have no idea of the points you are trying to make in this poem. I have tries. I have read this over and over and still nothing. If you would like to give me a hint, I will reread and recomment after the hint, but right now, I have nothing.
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this poem is about my struggle to learn spanish because I am half Puerto Rican so I am trying to learn it. "mired in yankees" means i'm stuck speaking english. conjugating verbs in spanish comes easily to me, but i have a very limited vocabulary. then i talk a little about how hard it is to remember things in spanish, but really in life generally. dendrites are, in the best way i can put it, the things that form memories. and if you don't think of a memory for a long time, the dendrite actually fades and that's how you forget things. "i trick myself without knowing and mar the morning light" means i have dreams that change who i am and sometimes it ruins the day before i even have a chance to start it. does it make any more sense now?
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puerto ricans traverse my canals--my blood canals get it?
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