Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read Contests Groups Learn Forums Store Help
 

buckshot blood

 

 

I found three

quarters

in a child proof crib

the smell

like new stove.

 

brought back

nostalgia.

buckshot in a rifle

some fawn

guts on the end

of a

shapeless

knife.

 

we put its greasy

hide

in the back

ears smooth

atop

nylon seats.

 

I remember.

 

you said

eat

a slice

uncooked

so we did.

 

christ cried

over the hunt.

smells of

liver

rotting in

the shed.

 

even the eyes

look out

when I sleep.

torn of

fur

slab-like

and inflexible

brown.

 

the gun sat

silver

with untrust

adjacent

a small kitchen

stool

like a babies

crypt.

 

you stuck the

corpse

for ten minutes

in celery

 

I have trails

of meat

under both

shoes

even now.

 

I remember

too much.

 

 

 

 

Author notes

In a list

A contest entry

I'm not looking for improvement on this particular piece. I'm content enough with the way it is. But please , Any other comments I would be happy to receive.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 36 of 36

  • tinuelena
    July 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    amazing. I saw the aftermath of a hunt once, dead deer dripping with blood, Christ I'll never forget it. Disgusting.

    This was a great poem and if it was shorter I'd put it on the very first page of the book. But it's 58 lines.

    I don't expect you to change a thing-- that's not what an artist would do-- so I'm adding "Doppelganger," which is just as damn good.

    Thanks.

    Elizabeth


    • jaunty pill gold member
      July 24, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks so much for the comment. It's nice to still be getting feedback, even though this poem was posted awhile ago.

      And I'm glad to be part of your book project, "doppelganger" is a great choice.

      - James


  • stephanie sunshine
    May 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    no critical comments coming from me, as you are not going to revise. however, i will say this much.
    you took me back to a time that I would rather forget. a friend of mine had a hunting father who would hang the corpses upside down in the garage. and we would sometimes sneak in, uninvited, to watch the bloodletting. the draining. the dripping. and these are things you just don't shake. you just don't forget.

    thanks for sharing.


    • jaunty pill gold member
      May 7, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Imagine my surprise when I found the same thing hanging upside down in my fathers basement...Which was my house for quite awhile until I moved in with slaughter/Kenneth...Whom I believe you have spoken to already. Unless he mentioned commenting on you and hasn't yet.

      Anyways , The poem itself is something that I would sooner forget myself , But can't think of the idea of not remembering the good and the bad. There is something terrible and immense about letting go...About taking that last breath that haunts even my dreams. Not so much that it has become a general fear. But a twitch maybe. Somehow memories from the past stare out from me just before I go to sleep. Usually in the aftershock of something terrible in my own life. It's funny but hope looks a lot like someone famous. At least probably would if the stifling sidetracked long enough...

      Thank you for the comment. I appreciate the time you took writing it and reading me.

      All the best ,
      James


      • stephanie sunshine
        May 7, 2007
        Edit | Reply
        James,

        I agree. There is no way to block the bad without also losing sight of the good. And I believe we are the summation of our life experiences up to any given point in time. Without either component, you would be an entirely different creature. Trust me, it has been my most sincere PLEASURE to read you today.


        • jaunty pill gold member
          May 7, 2007
          Edit | Reply

          And hopefully for days to come. There are so many writers who deal with things in one way...I like to consider the differences if it is more adamant. The place that can not be fully understood on an easy level, But at least time can change a thought. Make it more.

          And thank you. Really.

          Take care ,
          James


  • Crash Into Me
    April 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    good god;;

    mmmmhmmmm

    doesn't suprise me that you won gold..
    you always were good with quickies

    incredible..imagery..

    -minxy


    • jaunty pill gold member
      April 30, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks babe.

      I'm glad you enjoyed it!

      Talk more soon.

      your whore ,
      James


  • erasing0180
    April 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Hey, James.

    I'm not around AP much. And I'm sorry I never returned some of your comments that you spent such a heavy length of time on from my page.

    So, I stopped by here, as I often meant to do. And read this.

    All in all, I like it. Graphic, unforgiving, and very clear and harsh images explained simply, with little clutter. Just enough elusiveness in movement from one image to another to add a layer of non-literalness.

    I would have not emphasized and isolated the final statement, I would have slipped it in somewhere. But other than that, it's a strong piece. I'm a sucker for deeply truncated lines, as well.


    • jaunty pill gold member
      April 30, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Hey there.

      I wasn't around AP for quite awhile either , So it's all good.

      I just wanted to quickly add , Before I eat breakfast , That I agree with you about the final statement...I haven't come to a conclusion about what to do with it yet , But it was spinning in my head before you brought it to my attention. Funny how that shit happens huh?

      I'm just glad you enoyed it. Hope that most of what you find around here is just as enjoyable.

      On another note , I have a new contest up and I would love to get an entry from you. Of course , I know that you're busy , Etc...I'm often not able to enter many contests or do much around here now either. Just recently I came back and started getting involved again.

      Anyways , Thanks again good sir.

      All the best ,
      James


  • nell
    April 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    The first thought that came to mind whilst reading this was my work... i work in a piggery, in the farrowing part (where piglets are born) and while we dont harm the piglets or sows there is alot of death (stillborns, sow laying on piglets, wild cats, snakes ect) (sorry) and its very tormenting and tramutizing to see, and quite a very conflicting job choice but anyways back to the point, the images youve portrayed in your poem feels almost like i see daily, though you are able to pinpoint such feelings and vividiy on the subject in a much more articulate way then i could express and how those experiences whether new or old stay with you and effect you in such a manner.. such memories never seem to fade even in the dreamscape... i guess what i am trying to say is that i can relate to this piece in this sense and that you have written this very well, even in a 'quickie' contest write you have put it in better words then someone who takes more time in writing it... im tired and im i hope i am making sense

    good to see you still writing


    Shanelle


    • jaunty pill gold member
      April 24, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      A "piggery" huh, the stupid person in me sometimes forgets that there are actually places where they raise pigs. Living in the middle of the suburbs of New England has sort of numbed me to the raising of farm animals. When I see my chicken, it's already in tenders, cooked and tasty on the plate.

      Horrifies me to think of what it looked like before. Actually, when you think about it, every piece of meat we eat is from some sort of dead animal. Just thinking about how many creatures are killed a day for our consumption makes humans look more and more like the beasts we use to be than we might think.

      Our ancestors chased food with spears and blood and gore was natural to them. Now we chase our meal down with expensive silverware and everything is served without any direct involvement. It's a rather distant society we live in nowadays.

      Sorry about that rant. Your words about the "piggery" just inspired something in me.

      I'm happy to see that you were able to relate to this poem on a personal level rather than just artistically. It makes a piece of writing that much more enjoyable when you can feel that you have a connection to it.

      And I agree with you whole-heartedly, memories don't disappear, they just wait for the right moment to spring on your without warning.

      Nice talking with you again.


  • TerrifiedSky silver member
    April 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    James,

    It's been ages, and I suppose it's good that I come back and read something worthwhile. I know, an opinion such as mine is not necessarily needed or desired, but none the less I shall leave one.

    I've read this, I suppose it's been three times and it makes me, for lack of a better word, remember. I'm not sure if you've ever gutted and cleaned a fawn, skinned it, and used all each part unedible for something worthwhile.

    Hell, maybe I'm not seeing enough, but, it makes me long to be in a position to just go, take my rifle, and show the kill just precisely what's turning and twisting inside my soul.

    I see, an indifferent man, clinging to a nightmare witnessed at a very critical stage in his life. And when taken back, to a field, to a shed to sew the fruits of the effort, a memory that can't be forgotten.... and never will because blood taints his hands.

    As always, I'm stuck wondering and thinking. Never cease to amaze me, even when you're not trying...hehe.

    Much love fella,

    Jessica


    • jaunty pill gold member
      April 24, 2007
      Edit | Reply


      You sounding sad makes me sad dear.

      Trust me, a person's creativity doesn't ever truly leave, it merely fades into the back of their mind, completely possible to retrieve. And no ones life is a cliche unless they speak of it as so.

      Just turn all of that blackness and spit it on the page. Spit it down so hard it burns a hole through the floor, but no matter what, get it out of your system and you will begin to feel better.

      I loved your impression of my poem as it shows that you have a vivid imagination, even though you may feel like some of the poet in you has gone, you simply speaking about how this piece made you feel, shows that your muse is only inches away from you, standing like a gaurdian angel, one room away.

      Thank you so much for stopping in dear, I have missed speaking with you.


  • sleepysmile3
    April 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    i just kept thinking these were thoughts of a person locked in a small place. small places make small people. i'm not wild about the italics at the ending. but you are, which means you were writing from the inside out. from a cardboard box being packed up while another person cries because someone else is leaving. you think they are crying about you leaving, but really it's a human heart they miss. not you, the pieces of paper in a box.

    today i have great big picture movies in my head.

    love,
    H.


    • jaunty pill gold member
      April 23, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      H ,

      Thank you so much for the comment. Funny that you should mention the italics standing out...Indeed , At first , I was also unsure if I felt they were needed. But than again , I did realize that something would be gone without them. Not so much a crutch but it added a decency to an otherwise terrible understanding....

      The other day I watched " notes on a scandal " and I've had a lot of the dialogue and such swimming through my head so I can understand where you are coming from about things being in awkward , Sometimes unreasonable places.

      Your comments are always a lovely breath of air and I have missed your comments of late. I only hope that life is treating you well.

      Thanks again doll ,
      James


  • lovelovepalooza.
    April 23, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    i wish i could write a poem like this. =( thanks for adding me.


    • jaunty pill gold member
      April 23, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      cr a sh ,

      I had been reading your poems for a little while and started to enjoy stopping in...I figure there is no sense keeping people off my favorites if I'm going to read them daily. And you are a fine poet yourself.

      Thanks so much for the comment.

      - James


  • maria
    April 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    James
    Nice to be reading you again. I have a bit of time on my hands right now so I thought I would try commenting some. I want to warn you that I am quite run down at the moment so I may not make too much sense. On a first read the poem seems to talk about the death/murder of a baby. I would connect the last lines to something which you should not have seen. The mention of 'fawn' could be in this case metaphorical. Then on the other hand, I can't fugure out where the nostalgia element fits in. Reading on maybe it is really about the hunting of a fawn, which could represent an inititation rite of some kind.

    My best to you,
    Maria


    • jaunty pill gold member
      April 23, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Maria ,

      Actually your interpretation is the closest thus far. I don't want to give too much away here , But yes , This does indeed involve aspects of death and I will say straight up that it does not involve the murder of a human baby...An actual fawn perhaps and its destruction...But not a baby.

      About being run down...I have felt that way this week. Probably because I have been working too much and getting back into this site is both wonderful and exhausting as one must once again remember the site and how it works...Staying away from this place is worthwhile sometimes but it is relentlessly hard to come back.

      Your comments are always thoughtful and I can relate on more than one level. Just receiving your comment is a sweet breeze on a somewhat tired day as I slept too long and have just begun to get these bones moving. My naps never fall into the timeframe I'm hoping for.

      Thank you love.

      - James


  • Melissa Gayle gold member
    April 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Ironically enough, I just told a previous entry that I didn't like the staccato feel of their short lines, it didn't flow - this does and does it extremely well.

    This has a very sarcastic feel to it, the attempt to change and yet the knowledge that said change will not happen when we are stuck in our ways. A disillusionment perhaps - or perhaps I am reading too much.


    • jaunty pill gold member
      April 23, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Mel ,

      Firstly let me thank you for the gold in your contest and for allowing me the chance to enter this piece...I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

      Your comment is wonderful to wake up to and I am glad you enjoyed it. If it wasn't for your contest this poem might never have come to be....So in the end , I must honestly share this moment with you.

      Thanks again ,
      James


  • Kalima
    April 23, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    As I have alwways said, you amaze me everytime!!!
    Stacey


    • jaunty pill gold member
      April 23, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Stacey ,

      Thanks girl. I was wondering if you might stop by...Just today I was wondering around your place and didn't have the time to clearly put my thoughts in order. Now I have a stamp on my poem to remind me to check into your place more often.

      Take care ,
      James


  • SimpleSarcasm
    April 23, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    My Goodness!

    I see the bloody entrails on the page! Long time no see dear friend, this is a great write. Love the Christ cried paragraph.

    I can't give any intelligent advice since my muse seems to have committed suicide...oh my, that's a good line. Any who, excellent write.


    • jaunty pill gold member
      April 23, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      SparrowsEye ,

      Hey again. It's been a long time and for a moment , I needed to remind myself that your old screen name was simplesarcasm...lol. I get so confused with all the new site features and people changing their names...It can be quite frustrating sometimes. Glad to see that now I can keep in touch easier. It's hard when you have no idea if the site is going to be the same when you wake up.

      Thanks again and much love ,
      James


  • GothicTulip
    April 23, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    mercilessly sobering...


    • jaunty pill gold member
      April 23, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      GothicTulip ,

      Glad you enjoyed it. I always love when you stop in.

      Take care ,
      James


  • Almighty Aphrodite gold member
    April 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Hello my friend,

    Long time no see. I know it has been a very long time since I've made the time to see you. I hope all has been well in my absence. I'm around, just in hiding most of the time. I haven't come out from under my cloak in about a year now.

    Anyway...

    You are the only person I know who can write anything close to a "quickie" with a level of creativity that I doubt many people can reach. To the ordinary this might seem like a mamory of cooking a tasty dinner, only to have it leave a bad aftertaste behind. What I see is a kaleidoscope of fracture, schisms that rive deeper than the mind: these harbored illusions, festering in the breast, infect the heart and slight the eyes to see only a distortion of what should be. It just might be my way of looking at things. I'm probably too much of a pessimist. Ah, well.

    If you are satisfied with the piece, so am I.

    Wishing you the best of luck in the contest.

    Many blessings,

    Raven Aurora


    • jaunty pill gold member
      April 23, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Aurora ,

      Imagine my surprise when you stopped in. I also am for the most part hiding under my cloak and it has been quite some time since I even did anything around here...Just recently I have started to get these bones oiled again.

      I have also not been the best of readers. I can't honestly say when the last time it was I sat down and got in-depth in one of your pieces...I think it's long overdo though. I will have to set aside a chunk today and see exactly which poem I can lose myself in.

      What I will say is that a lot of what you got out of my poem is key I think...Hell , Without interpretation poems wouldn't exist at all , Right? You have always left incredible detailed accounts of what you felt after my writes , Learned , Etc and for that I am entirely grateful.

      Don't ever change girl. I enjoy your company when we are both around and poems unite us when nothing else does.

      Take care sweetheart.

      - James




  • ForgottenMemories
    April 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I find your poem to be very interesting, it is unusual but good. the short lines make it all the better, they kind of add to the effect it gives (if that makes any sense). I liked your poem becuase it is different from the normal type of write, very well written.


    • jaunty pill gold member
      April 23, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      ShadowEater ,

      Thank you very much for stopping in and leaving your thoughts. I appreciate it.

      Take care ,
      James


  • bw43
    April 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    is "I LOVED IT" an ok comment?

    i dont have much else to say. It will have to suffice. I'm sleepy.


    • jaunty pill gold member
      April 23, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you girl.

      I'll take your comment even if it is small. I'll also take your clap on the back even if you're tired.


  • blackday
    April 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Oh my.

    To be honest with you, I am a terrible commenter, but this has one of those *top layer* shock values & *lower layer* juicy great metaphors.

    I really liked the short lines. They were like gunshots. Short. Short. Short.


    • jaunty pill gold member
      April 22, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      " Like gunshots "...Yep. I think you nailed it on the head.



      You don't have to be a good commenter , Etc. I sometimes leave a poem with nothing to say at all. Doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it...It just , Is.

      I've been dabbling with this short-fire line sequence lately and I find it very effective. At least to me. Now...I can only hope others think so as well...lol.

      Thanks for stopping by.

      Appreciated.

      - James

1 - 36 of 36