Did you know how it happened?
I can't seem to find a reason why.
The realization as a bit belatened,
But when it happened, I wanted to cry.
You had burrowed yourself so deep,
Like ants into the earth.
Into my heart you went, mine to keep,
In my soul I felt a new birth.
This new creation was love,
Something unknown to me hence.
Floating out of me like a dove,
With it, a blinded innocence.
If only it had stayed that way,
But nothing here lasts forever.
All was fine until one day,
My love you did sever.
I thought you were there to keep,
You leaving I thought I'd never see.
I thought I could get you out by cutting deep,
But part of you will always be with me.
Author notes
Yes Dara, this is about you.
Option 2
A contest entry
- Options for all you poetic people!!! by moment liver.
675 points, ended June 6, 2007, 66 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make Me Feel Something, Happy, Sad ,Angry, Blah by hazeleyedfreak.
600 points, ended June 23, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Here's the Deal by dp robertson.
900 points, ended May 5, 2007, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Just because I want to................ :) by Entwining Beauty.
400 points, ended April 29, 2007, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Beauty in Insanity by FlipperSwitch.
600 points, ended May 14, 2008, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Why Love Sucks by cali951.
375 points, ended May 20, 2007, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Love? Or was it...? by Abstrog-I love you.
300 points, ended June 15, 2007, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Confessions of the heart by blakdiamone.
300 points, ended June 2, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Top 10 by Hadji Murad.
300 points, ended June 12, 2007, 62 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Can you say Cliche' ? by Florida Sunshine.
525 points, ended July 14, 2007, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - MY FIRST CONTEST: I WANT LOVE RIGHT NOW. PREWRITES ALLOWED...COME IN AND CHECK OUT by the-gifted.
600 points, ended September 26, 2007, 108 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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VERY SWEET!!! great write. Good luck in my contest!
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eeeps, I am sorry if I hurt your feelings when I laughed at this. I thought you were writing this to be cliche on purpose- and if so, it really fits the bill. But after reading the comments I realize you were serious. I am very sorrry! Trust me I have written a million 'serious' poems with deep heartfelt wrenching feelings that I can only get out as cliche. Anyway, I am not sure why you entered it into this contest,if you hadn't deliberately written it as cliche. I guess I didn't really clarify that I was looking for intentional cliche. I would feel terribly cruel to give a gold to a cliche poem to true heartfelt feelings.
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Nice work here, good luck in all these contests! I will say it is "Cliche'" but I'm not one of the judges
~tia
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haha, love these lines: All was fine until one day,
My love you did sever.
You got the concept down perfect- and humrously. I love this. -
lol yeah i think this might be a bit cliche' ~ nice entry! Lets hope the regular judge feels the same way~ Thanks for entering the contest ~ good luck to you!
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nice. i liked the line "with a blinded innocence"
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it's cool, But not strong enough
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was a wonderful peice with much heartfelt emotions in this. i agree with chey the second judge that i particuly loved this verse
I especially like the part
'If only it had stayed that way,
But nothing here lasts forever.
All was fine until one day,
My love you did sever.
this obviously was written with alot of emotion in it
well done and well written -
This is a beautiful piece.
I especially like the part
'If only it had stayed that way,
But nothing here lasts forever.
All was fine until one day,
My love you did sever.'
This piece is well written.
Good luck in the competition. -
Wow is this a true poem? seriously cause if it is you told that person something deep good job and good luck in my contest because this is a good poem.
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sweet, and emotional
nicely written
i loved it
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“But part of you will always be with me”
My mind is wondering what part that may be, but moving on, this is a touching poem appallingly written. The meter does not flow, the rhymes are clunky and if I read another couplet with a love/dove rhyme I may have to scream. I urge you to read good poetry, expand your vocabulary and with a poem such as this, don’t even try and rhyme. Just say it and say it like you really mean it without the restraints placed there by having to rhyme. This should be a tear wrenching ode to heartbreak and loss. Instead it is this plonky thing that is just a pig to read.
David
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Very nice, beautiful words although I think it was perhaps the slightest bit cliche in parts. I can feel your love though and that tells me a lot. Thank you and good luck!!
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nicely written
This piece was very well written. I loved the wording the best. It holds a very saddening message to it, but it is something we can all relate to. Nice work! -
Thought the rhythm and rhyme, flow in this poem was great. Easy to read and understand, but such a sad ending to this write.
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this is very sad thank you for entering
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Such a sad and true ending. I liked the ant description and also your use of the dove and love rhyme. Usually it is cliché but you used it in a way that did not seem like you were just trying to get a rhyme. Good job with this. I can relate.
Could you return the favor on this? http://allpoetry.com/poem/2898136
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I really like this poem. I have noticed that many male poets shy away from topics involving vunrability so it is nice to see a change. Well writeen too. good job
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This is a good write. It tells a story and you paint a very good picture. I am sorry that you had to have something that was so apart of you ripped away. This was such a good and emotional write. Thank you for entering and good luck.
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i think this would have been better were it done metrically. the varying lengths made me look for the rhyme rather than the substance of the piece. abab really shouldnt be tried without tricky meter, otherwise, the reader is left unimpressed. as is the case here. were it my thousand point scale, this piece would merit a 200
DS -
Tough stuff man, but you address it well.I t can be a hard thing to go through with. Stanza 3 was my favorite.
A few tips on that first stanza.
S1L3 looks like "as" should be "was"? and I think "belatened" was meant to be "belated".
Keep it up. Good luck. -
Hmmm...
Lots of people seem to think this is sweet. I don't think they can read. This is devestating. Not at all what I would consider sweet. I can relate to the last part of this in particular. "Sweet" my foot. Anyway, I'm sorry about the situation that has come to pass.I'm a fan for poetry that leaves almost nothing to the imagination. So although the topic sucks, the outcome is lovely. -
Wow tht was great awsome job. I wish every guy I meet could have that much expression when he talks or writes. awsome job keep writing.
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awww so sweet. great write.
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Beautiful! Man! I agree with Candle in the Darkness... This is so very sweet, and I hope that girl gets the picture!! Beautiful write!
~Brenna
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This girl better get the picture and soon! This is so sweet. As soon as I saw pink flowers, I knew I was in for something. Seems like a lot of us are going through love (or something like it) only for it to beat us in the face with a shovel. Hey...At least we know one Person who will never leave us hanging.
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I absolutely love it! I love the emotion and everything. Great job
meg
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It was decent. But some parts were worded a little confusingly. I would suggest you going through the poem and reading it aloud. Then, if you ever stumble on your words, just reword the line that you messed up on. Then, it will flow much smoother. But overall, its a good poem.
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This website is giving me heck with jumbled up pages, but I managed to read this! *victory dance*
This one's really good, Carston. Again, you have perfectly written the image and conveyed how you feel about a particular thing, in the case, girl in your life. The way you described what she is to you is enthralling, then I felt your pain towards the end. Very good write.
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