The grey mornings of Glasgow
with the mist that spreads across your face.
Mornings spent throwing rocks in the sea,
running at the beach,chasing dreams.
I don't trust anyone in my life
yet i trust you mysterious stranger.
Love was never more elusive, more enigmatic
but my heart beats within your hands.
The sea hides secrets that i will never know
your eyes speak of wonders i will never see.
The night falls and with it my resistance
clouds gather like sorrows and tears.
Walking in the streets wearing a coat of hope
empty are the streets, like words of greatness.
Afraid that the ship will sail with you
and i will wither behind locked doors.
Your face covered with the shadows.
The cranes flying in the silent sky.
Silence,yes,silence is my key
and you lying next to me my breathing.
This is the end and this is the beginning,
the destination of all wandering souls.
And if you ever think that the road is lost
back to me will bring you my singing.
Author notes
Inspired by Gerry Butler and the movie "Dear Frankie".
A contest entry
- Teenage Love Poems (May Be Prewrites) by ChrissyJean.
330 points, ended October 8, 2007, 49 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Form of Love by Perfectly Imperfect.
450 points, ended January 4, 2008, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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I really like this piece. I like what you've expressed, and the imagery is great
It flows well. I like the lines..
"Walking in the streets wearing a coat of hope
empty are the streets, like words of greatness.
Afraid that the ship will sail with you
and i will wither behind locked doors."
Well done and thank you for entering x
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That was a great peice. I love the flow and rhythm of this peice. I wish you luck in your contests!
♥Summer Moonstone♥ -
I really love this poem. The first lines immediately pull me in and create visions of Glasgow, the mists (which reminds me of Avalon & Camelot) in my mind.
It has this feeling of longing in it, it reminds me of childhood.
"but my heart beats within your hands." - I think this sounds terrific. If you think about it.. it's pretty morbid but at the same time depicts passion and love! "and you lying next to me my breathing" this is very good too!
This sounds a bit odd though: "The night falls and with it my resistance". Maybe "The night falls and so does my resistance" would sound better.
I think the ending is written well. It sums it all up.
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Thanks for another great comment!!! I love this poem myself, i just hold it very dear to me for some reason.I even remember when and how i wrote it. You are very right and i am happy you received the sentiment,it oozes longing.
You're right about that line.It eithers needs a comma or an editing. Gosh i'm beginning to realise that i can't bring myself to edit especially in old poems. It's like not accepting a child of yours for its handicap.lol -
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"It's like not accepting a child of yours for its handicap" - LOL!! That was like one of your best sentences ever, I must write it down, lol! *laughs*
I know exactly what you mean. That's why I left some of my poems unedited.
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very nice
A well penned piece here its very mistic in the sence for the love of the sea and one left behind -
Line 8 needs work. possessive of heart, spell ck "beat" and "within"
Next to last stanza spacing around silent. Next line is clumsy, somewhat not coherent. Last stanza is a bit pretentious; like you are trying too hard to be profound. Maybe a simple conclusion would fit the tone and theme of this delightful work.
Sometimes first encounters are fierce and full of promise, particularly for an unguarded heart. -
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Thank you very much for your comment! I like it when someone gives me negative as well as positive feedback. I edited line 8,i had done some typos there because i wrote i copied it so quickly from the paper.
Why do you think that this line is not coherent?It means that this person lying next to me keeps me to life,it is my breathing.
I'll have to agree about the last stanza. Will try to change it but i cannot think of a "simple" conclusion as you said.
I like what you said in the end. It is very true. First encounters are usually breath-taking.
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good
I enjoyed the flow and structure of this poem. The imagery and topic were great, and was well done.
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