Tragic beryl spill in watershed,
veiled in silence, never heard.
Obvious pools that have bled,
deep emotions unseen obscured.
So bitter the taste held within,
mere words cannot express.
Facade no one can comprehend,
masked sorrows in hopelessness.
Passion draped in limpid pools,
trapped in melancholy's grasp.
Always suffer from hands of fools,
the kind of shallow soul's regress.
Would they know or even care,
for all the pain they've caused?
Or was it intent to ensnare,
a tender heart in ravaged flaw.
~~Suseann~~
Author notes
My entry code into the final round is 2007RC096
A contest entry
- The Raven Contest: Uncovering Genius in the Written Word by Raven Contest.
14500 points, ended October 1, 2007, 53 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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I am looking at your content it rather very deep in thought and feelings.We hide our deep emotions of pain and sorrow.
"So bitter the taste held within,
mere words cannot express."
I have been in this place it describes it too the very T.
"Always suffer from hands of fools,
the kind of shallow soul's regress."
This is wonderful descriptive sentence.
"Would they know or even care,
for all the pain they've caused?
Or was it intent to ensnare,
a tender heart in ravaged flaw."
I think this paragraph says it all. That a person caused another person. Great and personal pain.
Sometimes things said in a foolish moment can have lasting impact. This is how I see you write. The content of describing deep pain is right on.
I have been in that place in my life.Rarely even talk about it.This is how I relate to your write. I feel it amazing write. Feeling are hard to talk about. I truly wish you the very best in your final round.
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Thanks,and you understood my intended message in the piece to be exactly that! Just as you described.
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So, this entry is like a big "up yours" to everyone who says that ABAB is dead. Thanks for reminding me just how good the form can be when manipulated by a talented mind. I am impressed with the way you have used the flow of the piece to allow readers to drift quietly along and through the text of the poem. There is a mastery of the timeless imbued within that reminds me of the ocean in the sense that it has existed before us (literally "us") and will exist after we have gone. Humans will always feel this, and as negative as that may seem it is all part of the great cosmic makeup.
This soft, forlorn lament is as valuable as any piece of poetry that I have read thus far even if others (and I have to include myself to a certain degree) find it a bit obscure. The important difference here is that you have communicated a feeling. If I were to ask someone to write a poetry describing loss or tragedy, without mentioning the source of the same, I would feel very positively if this is what they returned.
I have read the other contest judge's remarks and and I feel that while this piece is certainly up for subjective interpretation, I have to disagree, personally, that the rhyme scheme is out or in some way lacking. Perhaps it sounds correct to some ears, but not to others.
Thanks for the worthwhile read. Good luck in the contest.
~Das
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indigo in its associations here speaks so clearly to me. Those things pushed deep inside, darkening any
light that may touch upon it. Questioning each heart
that would dare respond in like. Blue
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I think this poem is one that needs a little reading between the lines because it feels to me as if there are hidden depths beneath the surface words. I’ve read this poem several times and have come to the conclusion that it is taking a look at how people treat each other, often without thinking of the consequences of their words and actions, though this is only my interpretation of it. The first stanza sets the mood of the piece with sad emotions and the author goes on to describe how the person hides those emotions behind a façade. Many people do this when they go through something terrible, possible because they don’t wish to burden others, or because they feel others may not completely understand.
The rhyme scheme appears a little out in stanza 2 where lines B and D rhyme, but in stanza 1, 3, and 4, lines A and C rhyme. The imagery used here is very sympathetic to the work and I like the use of “beryl” in the opening line because of its novelty. Some other lines I like are “Passion draped in limpid pools, / trapped in melancholy's grasp” because I could strongly visualise entrapment through them and I think these lines also add to the emotion in the poem.
Congratulations on reaching the final round of the Raven Contest 2007 and good luck with this entry.
Northern Raven
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It's a very intense write that you have turned in. I must applaud your effort to paint a vivid picture using beautiful words and clever imagery. The color of indigo seems to be sprayed all over the poem indicating the pain that you have based your work on.
The rhythm and power of your creation are in perfect harmony with the theme.
My favorite part:
"Tragic beryl spill in watershed,
veiled in silence, never heard.
Obvious pools that have bled,
deep emotions unseen obscured.
So bitter the taste held within,
mere words cannot express.
Facade no one can comprehend,
masked sorrows in hopelessness."
Thanks for entering the Raven Contest and Good Luck! -
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It’s often hard to capture images so sharp and so vibrant that they actually paint a portrait for the reader to glimpse upon and savor at length, but you have certainly done that here in a way that not many poet's can capture. I am truly entralled by your words. Don’t let the ink of your pen run dry!
♥ Touchof1der
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Thank you,I concider your opinion valued. I feel good about this piece too. And appreciate your comment.~Suseann
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Suseann,
I read this, intending to offer some hopefully helpful criticism but I honestly wouldn't change a thing. As it stands, the tone you set and the FEELINGS you evoke are enthralling. I read this twice, and the second time around it meant even more to me. Because then I had this "tender heart in ravaged flaw" resonating in my headspace. And for some reason, that changed everything.
:: sigh ::
i'd love to give this tender heart a hug, because i have been that melancholy, sorrowful girl.
i enjoyed.
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i think this was a poem, i thought of abuse,only because all the years i was abused i hid it so fearful of what would happen, and being so young not knowing is just as scary, your poem was like a trip down memeory lane all those feeling supressed! your piece is very good, it flows really well, and wow it is a powerful poem!!! keep writing i wish you lots of luck in the contest!!! well wishes!!! seltz!
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Nice word usage, with the flow nice and even, the metaphor is great...good work, good luck in the contest , thanks for sharing
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Oh suseann, you have penned my new favorite poem of yours...what beauty...what sorrow..what guilt so many carry.
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I like the sound of this poem as I read it out loud, not only as I read it quietly. It has a natural flow and meter to it. The word choices are also strong and the metaphor is excellent.
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deep blue morose
I loved the deep colors this poem evoked of melancholy.
full of dark sadness metaphores.
favorite verse
Passion draped in limpid pools,
trapped in melancholy's grasp.
Always suffer from hands of fools,
the kind of shallow soul's regress
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BEAUTIFUL WRITE
Very well penned here
I loved the last verse
Would they know or even care
for all the pain they caused
or was it intent to ensnare
Atender heart in ravaged flaw
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Some deep meanings here
Blue and hidden deep within is the theme here to my readings and it works well. The wonderful word choices create this blue mood and the sense of dire emotional consequences. There was good use of imagery and metaphor. Overall a very creative and well done effort here. Thank you for this fine entry in the contest and best of luck in the judging...PK
Edit notes: I read Bleed as bled, and wondered whether "flaw" was "flow" it had a meaning either way, a choice, perhaps.
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Thanks for the kind comment.It was supposed to be "bled" of course. I've changed that. I wrote in the wee hours and missed that as well as spell ck. did also.But it couldn't of known which I was saying anyway."Flaw" was intended as flaw. Thanks for the heads up.~Suseann
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Great
This was a great poem and had a great feel. My favorite part was:
Passion draped in limpid pools,
trapped in melancholy's grasp.
Always suffer from hands of fools,
the kind of shallow soul's regress.
That had such great imagery. Great job and best of luck in your writing future.
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Hi, a very lovely poem, very clear, great feel, all the best in the comp, this is a strong poem and a joy to read, hugs Di
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