I am left alone
with my blues
and my grays,
and I am reminded
that you want no more of me...
I sit upon my rock
praying for the best,
but then I realize
there is no best to hope for
you have already decided
In the icy grays
you will love another
among the amber days,
and my nights are blackened,
and my mornings are stolen,
by the light you had promised
when you rocked me
'til the morning
In a list
A contest entry
- Original Tears by I-Am-Custard.
600 points, ended April 22, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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This is lovely, all the way up to the last line... it has too many words for it to have the impact that a last line requires so I loeft the poem feeling oddly disappointed.
This could also do with some well placed punctuation. Freeverse has no rhyme to give it rhythm, so you must rely on punctuation to add it, the reader will feel a bit lost otherwise.
Thank you for entering though, with those little edits this could be really good.
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Thank you very much, I agree with you, I need to shape it up some. I appreciate the feedback.
whisper
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