A cloud is just a cloud.
Smoke from the ocean as it reclines, satiate.
There isn't magic in the simple of nature-
flower uncurls as every flower before,
petals break in the burst of autumn's chill.
Tides follow the rise of every other moon-pull,
sand milk white in its reflection.
Jesus doesn't walk on a grass-blade.
Heaven doesn't reside in a sun-beam, sliced
as god's fingers, curled around a wayward tress.
We can paint a sunflower from every angle
but never scare crows from picking
each of its eyes clean,
a skeleton in a field of its skeleton kin--
but we can twist stems of summer in our hair.
Serenade the moon-child with illusions
while she brushes away stars, tears
caught in the ghost-light;
lilies push through the cold
of April mornings, dance among
gusts of wind and beckon us
out from beneath a shelter of blanket layers.
We can knit each cloud into metaphor
and it is then a poem is born.
Author notes
I don't know just yet... but I think this may be my last poem here. Maybe. Let's see how I feel further down the road, but I'm starting to feel this site is more stagnanting than helping. Too many know-it-alls, not enough poets.
So shall it be.
A contest entry
- The Clouds by Heart Sutra.
525 points, ended April 27, 2007, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Honestly? I've just figured out I don't care what people think.
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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Such a well done poem with a great flow to it with your word choice and imagery. There were only two small 'niggles' as a few people would call them that might read better with small edits. The first is changing: "tides follows" to tides follow. The second would be to capitalize God's - especially where you have Jesus written with capitalization to be formal. I'm not a religious writer but that's one of those things that jumps out at me with lowercase - as lowercase could refer to any god versus Christianity.
With those two small edits in mind - the rest of this piece was simply wonderful and so technically tight and well-written.
I hope you do well with the judging and think this poem truly fits the theme perfectly.
Kim
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I like this poem. Quite a bit. Quite a statement you make up there about there being no magic in nature. I have to contemplate that thought some. (which is a good thing for a poem to make a reader do, think) Especially because each image that you followed that statement with seemed just that,
magical. I think you made it that way. You know I believe that a poet has to have magic.
I like the We's in this poem. I like to read what other people say in comments and compare my experience. I don't know if that bugs the author or not -- but I like to do that and there are like three other things I want to say little tiny things but 0at this time, I'm going to refrain,
due to your author's note. I have been accused of being a know it all so I sometimes feel threatened just sharing what I might know or even making a critique on my experience in the poem. But hell, we all know stuff. But the more we know, the less we know. Well, me anyhow.
Anyway. If you don't want to post here, don't. If you do... then what difference does what anyone has to say or not say mean to your poems? Poet or not? Be true to yourself and the muse.
I do disagree with NurseChilly, whom I adore, I don't think we write for ourselves. Well, I don't, I can barely think about going back and reading anything I wrote. I think we write because we can't not, those of us infected with it. And I think we write to connect, to make this sometimes horrible life seem more sensible, to remind others about the beauty in an unfurling petal (because there are millions who will walk by and never notice .. someone has to remind them).. we write because we don't know what happens to us when we die and we want to reach into that darkness. And leave a bit of ourselves behind when we are gone.
If you don't post here, so what? My guess is it will not cure the itch or the pain, unfortunately, that goes along with the quest of the poet and only serve to keep those people who have expressed their enjoyment in reading what you do post from continuing in that enjoyment. Whatever your decision, you don't need me to tell you you can write, you already know that.
Good poem. I likes.
Lisa
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I love the use of nature in this poem and it seems a little bit different from your other work, and I like that element too. Something about this poem feel solid as a wall, yet it is all about clouds
so I can appreciate the juxtaposition and the play on emotions while also being philosophical. You are a gifted writer.
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Life is filled with all those who think they know it all. Let them go on thinking that. The rest of us know better, and let those who know it all play out their fantasy while we live in the real world. Hope you don't let the other side take away your freedom - keep it and make the world a better place for you and the rest of us! Thought this was a great poem on the theme - picture -ending was superb! Such a fitting conclusion. Keep writing, don't let the bad guys win!
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This is such a very enlightening piece. So well articulated and filled to the brim with fantastic use of metaphor and depth of thought. Powerful lines. In my own opinion, I cannot write with such conviction, I truly admire this. Best wishes!
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You're a fine writer Meli... and you have to remember that foremost, you have to write for yourself.... if we write in order just to seek praise then we're doomed..
if however what we write strikes a chord in someone and they can feel it and touch it and taste it... then what we've written has worked across the board... sure it's nice to get praise and loaded up critiques... and of then the friends we make on here too.... but it don't mean a jot... if we can't post something and say, yeah, i like that .......
i hope it insn't your last... as i love reading your stuff... i may not come around often but i do check in
one thing i did and still do.. is to take little breaks of not posting... maybe one week or two.... just to read and comment sometimes... ... sometimes i've left it longer.... ....
anyways... whatever you choose to do... i'm sure you'll continue to write
be good
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Well, no one here or there knows anything for sure, or if they do, they will find out tomorrow that they don't. As for poets...well, who is to say after all? I think most people here are pretty sincere and try to support one another. I am glad you entered the contest with this poem.
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Well, here's something I never thought I'd say on a poem of yours... 'Nice title'. If I recall correctly, that would be something I harped on you about, since the beginning. I believe that you used to tell me that you were too lazy, but I guess you've learned to tighten that up.
It's been about a month since I've been here left, then a month before that. I don't really know what goes on here anymore. Seems like you've been going through your own things. You don't keep in touch though.
Sorry to hear you're going through writer's block but that happens to everyone, right? Maybe it's just a way of taking a rest. I don't think you should read into it that much.
As for the poem, I have a doubled opinion. For one, I enjoyed the concept of the poem. The bases of what you believe makes poetry, and the way it really is. That was a solid line to walk and you did a nice job of that in tone and such.
The only down side I saw, was the choice to use more common place images. I know you were maybe using them for a point but I still think you should consider more unique ones, like the part of the sunflower and the scare crows. That was very good and a part I will probably remember for awhile. It was solid.
At any rate, I'd like to review one or two more of yours, so I'll move on.
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It's sad that we are like passing ships lately...
life is very compressed, lately. 6 day work weeks, 9/10 hr days, the kids, car problems and general apathy has broken me down.
My computer is on here more than I am. I log in for a second, walk away for an hour or two, back on for a second. I have no time for me, anymore. And I'm in the biggest funk of my life. It's just a downward spiral... and I'm close to the bottom.
It's good to hear from you, though.
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Best Yet
I haven't read everything you have written, so ignore me for the most part
but
of your poems that I have read this one is best -- or more appropriately favorite
it could still use some compression
and I think the poem ends at
"we can knit each cloud into metaphor"
but what the fuck do I know?
the first stanza is just scrumptious with image and action
the last stanza is lithe but achy
i come from a place an time when twisting stems of summer and spring into the hair was commonplace
doesn't seem like that is so anymore
beautiful piece with lots to say about poetry
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beautiful
You are so talented and I would hate to not come on here and see your beautiful poetry,.....You are the reason I came here....Remember when it ws fun on "the other site" ...We had some good times here too....You know that I love your poetry, and you as a dearest friend.....maybe it will get better??????? I dont want you to go...maybe I will too
Lynda
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oh, that would be horrible if you left- you write some of the best ever poetry on this site.. this is wonderfully sigh worthy-
m
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Ah. I appreciate you.
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Shut up! You can't leave. You just can't. Where else will I find theses exceptional pieces? You will be taking an important part of me - so it isn't really up to you, is it?
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LOL You can always make me smile... you know that? Thank you, darlin'.
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ok
i put up a note on my home page that said i wasn't going to comment much, cos i ain't up for it - not because i don't give a shit but because my energy and resolve is dwindled
i would hate to see talented poets like you go mainly because reding good poetry is what makes it worthwhile...
however, as someone who often thinks leaving the AP addiction [ and that is what it is , a mere habit] behind might be part of a major change and a moving on, then go for it hun, if it's time to tread pastures new then that is so...
i for one would miss you and your writing greatly
but acknowledge that life moves on
-i would wish you luck, miss you and accept it as part of life's rich tapestry...
we are lucky enough to have choice, i always think of the times when i did not have such luxury, and hope you choose wisely
best wishes
elaine
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Thank you.
I haven't decided yet, but it's been a thought for a couple of weeks now. And especially this week.
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have a break - find your feet/voice/will/strength/whatever it is you need to be happier.
i think about leaving often and then here i am three years later, sometimes here more than at other times, and sometimes just out of habit. but i have met some good people [and some in real life too!] and i would miss it
when it's time to go you will know as we all will...
elaine
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no.
don't leave.
-evil face-
I'll come back with a proper fuck off review soon.. and then yhou'll have to stay.
that is my action plan.
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Ah. This site has served its purpose. There really isn't anything here, anymore. Comments are hard to come by... and if you get one it is someone trying to appear superior. I don't know... I think this site has created my writer's block. Or not...
it's not a definite decision yet. -
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ok, well.. yes, i see what you mean.
I think.. maybe you should take a break?
I kind of agree with you, good critiques are hard to come by, even good comments.. but if i didn't have this place i'd never know if a poem was any good.
but you're better than me, and can probably get real poets to look at things, and start getting publishd properly..
but i'd miss you a lot all of is would
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