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walking through the park one day [bukowski tribute]

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walking through the park
pretty goddam stoned as i recall
bursting for a piss
i think what the fuck
ain't nobody around
no way can i hold it tell i get back home
what do you think i am
ninety-nine percent bladder
go behind a bush to take a leak
jeez what a relief
pissing must be the greatest thing

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fifty seconds later
just finishing the shakes
this voice comes out of a bush
suggesting i might like a suck
what have i got to lose
even though he's not my type
no tits for a start
but don't anyone call me faggot
or i'll black your eye
you mother fucker

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A contest entry

Say what you like. Be as rude as you wish. I couldn't care a toss.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 28 of 28
  • Nicole Hanna
    August 13, 2008
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    Oh man oh man, lol. When I think of "controlled" poetry, bukowski or any variation thereof is the LAST poet I think of. In fact, I'll have to get onerios' opinion on this one because, really, I can't stand the man, so might be a little biased as to poetry of that nature. Of course, "controlled" isn't really exhibited here, otherwise, it wouldn't be a bukowski tribute. Does that make sense? As far as bukowski goes, it's a good emulation, but not exactly for this particular contest. Thanks for entering.


  • Avatar of Innocence
    July 4, 2008

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    I've read this poem five times and I still can't get over it. Thanks for introducing me to Bukowski. I do believe your subject content as well as the manner is reflective of Bukowski, but I don't know if it the extent I to be totally immersed in the spirit of Bukowski. Additionally, Bukowski was really this obvious?

    Anyway, points for you for pulling off piss-pathways leading to surreptitious same sex encounters (despite crassness). Not my cup of tea, nor what I generally read, but nonetheless, it deserves some merit for creativity.

  • Nicole Hanna
    July 3, 2008

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    Why does everyone chose Bukowski or Plath or Sexton?

    This is very much Bukowski's voice, and I'll admit... I'm not much a fan of his... at all. lol. I think he's far too crass for my liking. But you did what the hostess asked for... took a style not your own and emulated it to the best of your ability (I'm assuming). I could've really done without the graphics. I'm old school and happen to think the pic of a stick figure pissing cheapens the poem. It almost feels as if your using it for a cute gimmick to make your poem memorable, instead of relying on the writing. But, that's neither here nor there. The hostess just asked me to stop by and give my opinions to help her in the judging.

    And, can I just say, "Say what you like. Be as rude as you wish. I couldn't care a toss" is priceless. lol I love that! I wish more around here wouldn't be so sensitive and could take it like a man.

    Anyway, not my cup of tea (this style), but it definitely IS Bukowski's style.


  • xxRainbowDawnxx
    January 30, 2008

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    oohh lovely... I'll laugh and weep at the same time (alongside puking up everything I've eaten in the last week and shit everything left in my body). Nice stuff.


  • Tarja
    October 8, 2007
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    With everything that's inside me I hate Bukowski... so that's not a great start... but this had very very very little to do with alcohol. Try again.


  • Desiree Darkk
    May 27, 2007

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    I'm not as fond of this as my fellow judges. Mr. B would never be so telly.

    It's very difficult to write like Buk without looking like you're trying to write like Buk. To be successful at doing this, you make the attempt and then with 1000 edits you make it your own. In my opinion you didn't make it your own.

    Desiree


    • johnny nobody
      May 27, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      I gave your comment 5 stars to improve your judgement. I also amended the visuals. Suck suck.


  • porksnorkel
    May 23, 2007
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    pretty funny

    take it off the goddam center though, would you?


  • horus8 gold member
    May 22, 2007
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    lol brilliant.


  • dp robertson
    May 21, 2007

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    I am not sure if Hank would put his hand up for this one but it would seem there was a side to him that not too many of us were aware of.

    this voice comes out of a bush suggesting i might like a suck what have i got to lose even though he's not my type - no tits for a start

    When one finds oneself laughing, it is obviously getting through on some level.


    David


  • Mr C
    May 20, 2007

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    Ah yes, the male need for some sort of relief- I expect the fella might have liked you to piss on him as well!
    Interesting write....I am not familiar with Bukowski- perhaps I may have a gander.
    Keep peeing, keep writing.....keep the faith....


  • XxGoldenxXDawnxX
    May 20, 2007
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    I think the subject matter is thoroughly disgusting and immorral and you shouldn't be accepting blow jobs from strange men in bushes if indeed it was a man. I know its only a poem but my God your imagination is littered with pure filth. What is that awful picture you've put on there? Someone in a devil's mask? Dreadful layout of the poem and badly presented.

  • luvdrkchocolate
    May 13, 2007
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    lol After I had read your other poem I figured I might come see what else you had to say. I liked your other poem better than this one because I thought it had a better tone in it. And this one was too much in your face where the other poem seemed nicely balanced. But I guess in this one you were trying to sound like another poet and it affected the tone that you had in your other poem. I think you do best in your own style but this one was weird and gross and kind of funny too.


  • Wild at Heart
    May 12, 2007
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    i was not enamoured of this poem upon first glance but on second thoughts it's a poem that kind of invites you to say whatever the fuck you feel no matter how ugly, and it invites harsh, no holds barred criticism...which at the end of the day is the brilliant thing about such a poem, crass and mundane as it is... so yeah not bad, i think


    • johnny nobody
      May 12, 2007
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      I am delighted you feel my poem is crass and mundane. I love crap comments. God bless you (not).


  • Heart Sutra
    May 6, 2007

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    This is interesting and leads to a surprise ending. That is always a strength in good poetry writing.


  • truembrace
    May 5, 2007

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    the ironic thing about this piece is that I do like Bukowski, but I think some of his greatest poems were those with less vulgarity and more into the vivid details of his surrounds (even while he used vulgarity). His "Bluebird" poem, "For Jane", "Confession" -- so many of his writes that reflected the softer side of him snag a wider fan base than some of us would expect.

    On that note - I can see how this would reflect some of Hank's style. On a number of occasions where he would read pubicly, he was so known to tell people to get in their place or he would do just what you have penned, "black your eye out".


    definitely has tones in this piece that even took me off guard a bit -- still, overall it's a solid write for this contest. Thanks so much for entering.


  • x-Black-Butterfly-x gold member
    April 23, 2007
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    wow really great poem with strng emotions...nice write


  • Starrchild777 gold member
    April 23, 2007
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    definately has someBukowski flavour in this write. well penned even if I dont like vugarity. tehehe

    ~*Starr*~ xxx


    • johnny nobody
      April 23, 2007
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      If you like Bukowski you must like vulgarity. If you don't like vulgarity, you can't like Bukowski. Simple really. But what about "vugarity" ???? That's a new one.

  • Cinnarry gold member
    April 22, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Brava!

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