Flaunting skin, and flirting eyes
The lady that they all despise,
The men: because she isn't real,
Fucking just to make her feel.
While sleeping in their bedroom, dim.
A wife to submit for every whim,
Always want what you can’t attain,
Lust through dirty window pane.
But none the less appetizing,
She is oh so very tantalizing,
With bedroom eyes, and lavish lips,
Lust embedded fingertips.
The women detest; because they all know,
That every man just wants a row;
To make her their impurity,
A fateful bleak obscurity.
Capture the hearts,
Of firm desire,
Enthrall the lust
To who aspires
To feel their goddess,
Clean and bright,
A blow up doll,
To last all night.
Author notes
Ha. I might be more serious later if you don't like this. Because...Umm...I dunno. I need to work on rhyming more. But yeah. Honest critiques all around. <3
A contest entry
- Ace's Rhyming Narrative Contest! by AceOSpades.
850 points, ended April 27, 2007, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I like how the rhyme switched for the last two stanzas. It was a really captivating piece about the "town whore" can we call her? Really interesting idea to write about, for sure. The rhyme was really great, you're wonderful. It feels like you've been writing this kind of material forever.
"Lust embedded fingertips"
--this is my favourite line. I have a thing with the human body, you know you know but I say it over and over.
-
Argh, I don't think I need to tell you who I immediately thought of when I heard this line:
"That every man just wants a row"
Seriously though, I'm an artist! REALLY!
Ahem, yes; I think the the last two lines in the first stanza are a little rocky; Maybe from this:
"The men because she is a dream,
A figment only to seen,"
you could have something like this:
"A plaything, ripped at the seam,
She's a figment only to be seen."
I don't know, just tossing out some ideas.
I absolutely adore this! It RHYMES! YAY! That ending; it was perfect! Summed the poem up and gave it a beautiful kick and twist.
The structure was brilliant, I like how the lines get shorter the more you go down the poem; I think it adds suspense to the final verse; it makes the reader truly wonder where you're going.
Before I fall off the page, I think I'll just tell you I love you and everything you write, girlie. Fabulous!
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