In the halls I pass him,
in class he stares with an evil
grin.
The memory plagues me, I
still his hands on me, clawing at my flesh.
The police don't care, to them
it never happened. They
shrugged it off like they weren't paid
enough to help me.Her once shiny and
vibrant hair is now dull red and flat.
The gash on his head from the bottle she threw at
him screams out her pain.
Class ends,
As she darts to leave the room, he
calls her back.
Scared to her core, she stops
dead in her tracks.
After everyone leaves, he smiles
that sheepish grin.
In a low voice he says
" I think we should have another one of
our little parties again."
Tears burn her eyes as a single tear falls,
he hands her a Saturday detention slip.
She has but a weak grip to life.
Her soul is slowly ripping from her
body.
Author notes
This is a sequel to my poem Rape in the Schools
A contest entry
- Dark or Morbid poems! by xToxicxCupcakesx.
375 points, ended April 24, 2007, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Here's the Deal by dp robertson.
900 points, ended May 5, 2007, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Just because I want to................ :) by Entwining Beauty.
400 points, ended April 29, 2007, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Keep my attention by writing something great!!! by Luciferschild.
400 points, ended May 22, 2007, 49 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - My AP Family Contest by KhaosFury.
450 points, ended May 7, 2007, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - So You Think You Have Soul?? by Trixie08.
300 points, ended September 2, 182 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - a contest to enter with your eyes closed by DancingRed.
300 points, ended June 3, 2007, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - One hundred and eiiiiighty!!! by Floorboards.
900 points, ended May 29, 2007, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Top 10 by Hadji Murad.
300 points, ended June 12, 2007, 62 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 34 of 34
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I have to agree with star. I will never look at teachers the same again. I thought it was another student at first.
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oh my god.
After everyone leaves, he smiles
that sheepish grin.
In a low voice he says
" I think we should have another one of
our little parties again."
this scared me.i'll never look at teachers the same. -
oh. the teacher is the rapist? What a horrible story. I really felt like crying, I felt so sorry for this girl. The police doesn't care. The scar on his head. So real!
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This is powerful, haunting, and packs a punch.
A few things. The book's line limit is 30 and you have 37. If you can compact the poem, that would be great.
Also there are a few technical problems. You speak in first person in verse 1, then switch to third person throughout the rest of the poem... that should be fixed so it is consistent. Also, take into account metaphor, imagery, assonance, rhythm, all the poetic devices. Use language to pack a harder punch.
This has lots of potential; I will keep it on the reading list. If you make any changes, do let me know.
Elizabeth -
Very thought provoking, causes emotional response to the girl and anger at rapist/uncaring school. You were able to project her emotions very well
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Really powerful and haunting write. This is a terrible thing to happen to anyone. Urm just one thing, there are quite a few grammatical errors and it spoils the effect as you have to keep going back and working out what is meant. Really good otherwise though>
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Don't know what to say ... too sad ... makes me cross ... hope it wasn't your experience ... x
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This is a good write about a tragic subject, but it does need some editing to become more clear & powerful. I read through the various comments & agree with most of them. As for the ending, while I do understand the weakening of spirit that comes from abuse in whatever form, we must realize one thing: while someone can hurt our bodies, they really have no power over our spirits if we refuse them access. In situations that we have no control over, we do have control over our reactions to them. We are so much more than the pain we feel, the joy we've known. Be well, Poet. 
Wanda
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I wrote a response to this poem a while ago. You change the tense in the poem and had some other issues. I would also take another look at D.P. Robertson's edit of this piece.
It's good, but it does need revision. -
very dark
mmm, very dark, full of simmering malice. thank you very much for entering my contest and good luck to you,
floorboards.
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Wow, this is as powerful and compelling as the other poem.
"I still his hands" or 'I still feel his hands"?
Vivid descriptions and strong emotions. Thanks so much for entering.
DancingRed. -
Very emotional. I was raped last year and I know how it feels, and the guy that did it goes to my school and will for another year or so. All the while I have to put up with it... but I see that this is rape from a teacher to a student which has to be much more terrifying than what happened to me. An excellent capture of emotions and to me a very well-written poem other than some sentence confusion. Nicely done!
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This is a really good theme very badly done. It begins well in the first person and suddenly slips to the third with unnecessary editorial such as
The police don't care to them it never happened. Shrugged it off like they weren't paid
enough to help me.
The fact is that it is a tragic story and emotionally it could have been written better by just simply fixing grammar and adding punctuation. That said, this is one of the saddest things I have ever read.
She has but a weak grip to life. Her soul is slowly ripping from her body
Also because the subject is so powerful, don’t simply rely on the subject alone to make this good writing. It still has to be written well and you still need to shake the bejesus out of your reader.
David
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This is very sad... But its still amazing. I could never write something on rape... It would be hard for me because my friend had to go threw it... And I was the first person to know... scary huh? But still, great job! Best of luck in my contest!
~Cosmic -
In the halls I pass him,
in class he stares with an evil
grin.
The memory plagues me, I
still (feel) his hands on me, clawing at my flesh.
The police don't care, to them
it never happened. They
shrugged it off like they weren't paid
enough to help me.
(Her once shiny and
vibrant hair is now dull red and flat.) move to next stanza or put elsewhere. Doesn't relate to police stanza, also You change for first person (I)
to third person (her/she) pick 1 and stick with it. the rest is written in 3rd person also)
The gash on his head from the bottle she threw at
him screams out her pain.
Class ends.
As she darts to leave the room, he
calls her back.
Scared to her core, she stops
dead in her tracks.
After everyone leaves, he smiles
that sheepish grin.
In a low voice he says
" I think we should have another one of
our little parties again."
Tears burn her eyes as a single tear falls
he hands her a Saturday detention slip.
She has but a weak grip to life.
Her soul is slowly ripping from her
body.
Just a couple of issues to resolve to make this a fine, powerful read.
-
I liked it, do me a favor and please punctuate!!! its hard to read it!!! otherwise a very powerful and even scary poem, I read it and the last line sent shivers down my spine, this was definitely what i had in mind when i said to enter something that will keep my attention, i will definitely come back to this one thank you for entering and good luckin my contest
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very good write emotion is is very high hope is fiction.... thank you for entering
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Very well done. Showing the perspective of the victim, as well as highlighting the all too real effects of abuse.
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amazing
it has a powerful ending that leaves you speechless -
great!
Amazing and powerful.. great write -
Heart-wrenching
This is amazing. I didn't expect him to be her teacher, but it makes sense. Extremely touching and very well-written; I can feel her pure fear at even the sight of him. Great write.
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This is powerful. I was not at all expecting the ending - that just blew me away.
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AMAZING
oh mmmy god this poem i thought was about a fellow student not a teacher!!! oh my god wow im wow im just speechless
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First, I found this piece to be more descriptive than the first, and I thought that brough out more emotional response. However, I did ask that in the second poem the subject be revisited with drastically different emotions, in essence, the opposite. Also, this poem has the same weaknesses as the first: "I still his hands on me" I believe should be "I still feel", "the police don't care to them" needs a comma after "care" to keep the thoughts from running together, and there are several other spots with that same issue. I believe giving this a final revision will really make the emotions stand out, instead of leaving the reader confused by what you're trying to say, and eliminating the need to reread every few lines to understand your meaning.
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This was powerful. I enjoyed reading it. It sent chills down my spine. Very well writen.
~*Jess*~
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Good job of writing a sequel to one of your poems. I agree with onlyinmydreams, rape pisses me off too. Good job, and keep writing!
Erin200 -
Wow this is very powerful! And a scary portrayal of a person abusing a position of trust, the effect on his victim and her helplessness. Very well written, well done.
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wow. this is really sad and depressing, Honestly, rape just pisses me off ( even though im sure it makes basically everyone mad) but i had i friend that was raped a bit back, and stuff like this brings back the memories and feelings that she told me about. great job on the poem though.
God Bless,
OnlyInMyDreams
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Good Poem
This poem is very good but very sad. Rape is a serious issue and I believe you should stick with these poems because people need to know whats going on and they also need to know that alot of pewople get raped and don't tell anyone out of fear that no one will believe them. Statisticlly most girls who are raped never tell a single person expecially if it is a athority figure. -
wow...this is disgusting. It's a good write though...defiantely something morbid, but something that happens in schools everyday and it is definately overlooked. You did a good job portraying this, except for the beginning it's like it's you that has experienced this, then it gets into it and it's like the reader is watching the situation...something I would look into changing. Thanks for the comment on my newest write...[Which Side?]...it wasn't meant to be a poem, and it said that in my authors notes...but thanks for your comment. It's much appreciated.
Xx -
wow. never heard a poem in like this. ive heard ones a bout rape. but they just werent the same. this is a greta poem. and boryught me to relze that this kind of things do happen. and nobody does ne thing baout it. cuz they dont relize what is gooing on. this is wonderful. keep it up.
M.e.g.a.n
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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOh shit sorry if you don't aprove of my language but wow this is a great poem never read anything like it but I am so sorry if this happend to you ....................man I don't know any thing about that I can't even relate.... but damn this realy does happen in schools allover you really did open my eyes .......and .....well I don't know what to say besides thanks for spreading awareness I guess .......great write
(thats some real stuf for yo ass)
4 play aka walt -
Wow
It hurts... I know first hand it does. I have no clue if this happened to you or somone you knew but I am forced with a very similar situation. If you read my poem titled "Dearest Mother" it is true. I loved the way that you told a story and in such an artistic form this was great now I am going to read your profile because I caught a glimpse and read the Abrocromie thing it was hilarious!!!
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WoW..
Well.. This really made me like.
*Gasp*
I love it.
It tells a story.
A heart breaking story.
One that could be true...
Really makes you think =[
I love the lines :
once shiny and
vibrant and now her red hair is dull and flat.
Because they give off such a strong image. And I love red hair =]
Well done!! This is a brilliant poem!
Bleeding Glitter xX
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