She said goodbye.
With a flip of the wrist,
And a dismissive stroke of her fan,
She said goodbye.
His dreams
Lay broken at his feet.
While overhead,
He heard the swan song.
The death-hymn played
As the love of his life
Danced through the door with
His dreams.
In this church,
They were to be married.
But his confessional of sin
Led to a begging of forgiveness.
His heart crucified
And now placed in a tomb
In this church.
In a list
A contest entry
- The Chosen Ones by HerbalGoat.
300 points, ended May 27, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Wonderfully-written
I love this. This is dark and very sad indeed. Wonderfully-written indeed. The words were really deep.
Wayne
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very good creation.
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Wow, so melancholy and dark. I felt like the poem is missing something but I couldn't tell you what, it just felt a little empthy in some places. Aside from that, it was really good and really suited the picture. Well done, a good write.
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Intersting piece to be certain. It is dark and emotional and somewhat compliments the picture, although I feel it is a bit brief in that area, just my thought there. I do suggest a review of technical issues, but very minor ones there as well. Best of luck in this and all of your endeavors.
Hetohke'e * 
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A nice piece
If i were to close my eyes i could see the picture that your lyrics paint nicely done! One question though,Second to last line is that to be "placed " or "place " ?
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ooo haunting and melancholy, just a lovely bit of poetry here!! just the right amount of repetition to make it more interesting but not overdone!! This is my favorite part "His dreams
Lay broken at his feet.
While overhead,
He heard the swan song.
The death-hymn played
As the love of his life
Danced through the door with
His dreams."
the imagery here is intense, i love it!! and it flows perfectly. very well done!! and good luck in the contest!! this is marvelous!
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Very haunting story you painted here. It had good flow and some beautiful imagery. I love how you brought this beautiful image to life with your words.
My favorite image is this:
His dreams
Lay broken at his feet.
It really resonates with me.
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what a beautiful picture, and an equally beautiful write. Where did you find the picture might i ask? My favorite part about this poem is your repetitveness. I find that some people who try this technique over do it, but you managed to use this style VERY effectively. My favorite stanza is:
"She said goodbye.
With a flip of the wrist,
And a dismissive stroke of her fan,
She said goodbye"
Love Linz -
Wow!!
Powerful piece penned my Friend!!
Happy to see that quill going~
What emotion exudes from this one
Images just staint the Mind...vividly can be seen...
Thank You for sharing this!!
Best wishes to You in the contest
Many blessings too
and much love~ Desire~*~
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This is a very unique write and a great insight on this picture, as well. I love to write from pictures as it's nice to write what you think is going on within the image...you gave me a different story from what I was seeing, so it was kind of cool to see where your mind went when taking it in compared to mine. My favorite part of this would have to be your last stanza because of the contrasting 'church' and 'tomb'. Also I thought it was cool how you started and ended each stanza with the same words. It helped this poem to flow and build upon itself. Very nice job.
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A dark tale, indeed, narrated in a most interesting manner..bravo...bravo...
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