Gloomy bridge scorched with the smoke
has made my barn a banished Elysium.
Over my head I do hear murky melodies
of the whizzing vehicles and their unlocked horns!
I share my palace with a dispelled stray dog.
And an abandoned gray pig, as a guest, strolls often.
My air too is conditioned, but with a masquerade
Of the poisonous CO2 and Carbon Monoxide.
From Dawn to dusk, I do pray for my prey.
Bread, better or litter, vanishes into my abdomen.
Riches and the richness, outside, even devour sunlight
And they embezzle the charming moonlight!
Under this black burnt bridge, I strive for prosperity,
in the alliance of peace, serenity and tranquility!
A contest entry
- Dark and Fantasy Options by Shade Aurelia.
650 points, ended April 20, 2007, 7 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best Prewrites! by movedon.
1750 points, ended May 8, 363 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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I'm a simple person using simple language. Your vocabulary to me sounds quite striking to me honestly
Theres only one feeling I want to talk about here.. Love. Self love. It seems everything else is accounted for in the longing of our minds.. Self love and self expression not of other things and our association with it, but just ourselves, seem .... hard. I guess its the way we grow up here. But inculcating it, could solve so many problems.. Or atleast I'd like to believe so...
My rambled reflections to your well written poem.
Kunjal.
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Wow...i can only imagine that this is written of the poverty that lies beneath the bridges at night? Fantastic write...I'm enjoying the pleasure of reading your writes...Keep it up!
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Dear poet,
this is a wonderfully written poem.. I'm glad I got to read this one.. this verse of yours reminds me of one of my own verse.... I'll send you the link sometimes..
Nyways.. I read your profile nice to know that you have so many similar hobbies.. thanks for the comment on my poetry..
Neha
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The image of the "dispelled gray dog" is what really struck me in this. Perhaps it was just the wording, but I really, really loved that line.
"Riches and the richness, outside, even devour sunlight
And they embezzle the charming moonlight!" I'm a fan of the image of the sun, but most especially the moon.. the idea of embezzling the moonlight kinda hit me. This line reminded me how all the moon's light is, is a reflection of the sun's, so it's not even really the moon's light..
Ahh, nature and beauty. I often think about how I want to just go out one night, and sleep outside in the city, just to see.
This was really well done, awesome write.
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For some odd reason as soon as I went onto your page
The first write that caught my attention
Was this one not sure why though
This a very powerful!!!
Wonderful Write!!!
Hope you did well in the contest!!
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"I strive for prosperity, in the alliance of peace, serenity and tranquility!" The light of hope lives in each of us no matter how dark our lives become. It is so wonderful that you reflect this in your poem. I enjoyed this piece very much.
Peace and love,
Petratani
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This is powerful, and it's sad that people all over the world are living this way. It's a wonder any of us can sleep at night in our homes all nice and safe and warm, knowing there are others who are suffering. You draw your reader into this poem, making it feel as If I am there too. Great job!
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How terrible. I feel sick. I can't even begin to think of how living like this would be. We take it all to well living in a home with a frig with food.
I have noticed your style of poetry doesn't not change much. The same format. I'll look at more of your work but your latest does have the same form. Is there a reason or is this your style? Its not bad. But i tend to change how i write, or at least the format of it. Anyways. Well writen you brought me right into the story. Nicely done
--Beautiful-- -
The last stanza speaks of the true riches in life. Those really worth persuing.
Well written Professor,
Buddy
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Wow
Such fine imagery in this piece. It left me hollow, and I think was its intent. I really liked this one a lot. Well done. ~Pamela
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Much imagery,descriptiveness of seemingly very impoverished area.Reminds me of the northern India,told of by my great aunt a practical nurse...Of the Palace there, but the poverty.The poem conveys the conditions, the food, the animals.A vivid picture of a world we do not see here in Canada..but we need to see the world as they live...Very vivid pictures come to mind...and my heart is sad for those who live in such hunger.You with your words paint like with an artists brush the scene I see so vividly..traffic across the bridge, yet such poverty and ill health among the people...You need to portray the India we seldom see.
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wow this is luvly.i love it
My air too is conditioned, but with a masquerade
Of the poisonous CO2 and Carbon Monoxide.
i like ur descriptiveness. its enchanting
...
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you took me there, under the bridge, with the sound of traffic, the polluted air,and the constant worry about nourishment, taking away one's peace.Very vivid, good penning.
best always,
Michelle
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Wow, very deep and full of emotion. It is painted well. You speak volumes in this write. I have enjoyed this so much. YOu are a painter of words full of life and full of truth. Wonderful. I liked it a lot. It not so nessarly is fantasy, If you look deeper you will see people living like this in a deeper spiritual sense if you know what I mean. God bless you and enjoyed this much. Keep penning my frined for I see a lot of talent in you.
Tabitha Robin -
I liked that you had a little bit of rhyme to finish it. Good use of alliteration too. I can really picture this.
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Awesome!
I really like this poem, *hugs* your a great writer, so keep up the good work=)
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you are a very talented poet.capable of describing anything.
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This is a wonderful poem which conveys the desparate plight of the homeless and hungry with superb imagery. The final lines say so much
Under this black burnt bridge, I strive for prosperity,
in the alliance of peace, serenity and tranquility!
If we possess these three gifts in abundance, we are rich. The images of riches and richness devouring the sunlight and embezzling the 'charming moonlight.' imply that pollution, caused by greed is depriving the earth of natures gifts. A beautiful poem from a very talented pen. I will add you to my favourites.
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I really like the alliteration in the first stanza and the assonance in the last. They add a nice unique feel to the already astounding flow of the Sonnet.
You also changed up the typical theme of a Sonnet, by making it completely different subject. The piece didn't seem forced in the structure which is excellent.
The wording is fabulous, it has a fabulous air of maturity to it and it's, enticing, for lack of a better word.
The rhyme was enjoyable as well; it wasn't treacherously noticeable, but it gave the poem a fluid flow.
The piece is nice and symmetrical in form, the lines are pretty equally matched with each other.
Overall, wonderful piece. A pleasure to read.
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