As I pulled up to the house,
it looked dead.
Except for the window,
upstairs,
where a light glows.
As I walked up to
the stairs,
I noticed behind me,
were many graves.
They seemed to stare.
I took my first step,
then my second.
Each step creaked,
one after the other.
When I reached
the front door,
it was partially
Open.
I walked in,
the smell was dusty,
with death.
I could hear something
upstairs.
but there was something
behind me,
following me.
The growing ivy twines,
from outside,
were growing behind me,
with each step I took.
Like they were guarding
the House.
I continued to walk
Up the stairs.
With each step my heart
Jumped.
As I approached the top,
I saw a light shining,
in the far left bedroom.
But on the wall in front
of me,
was a picture of two
children,
Dressed oddly,
and so white in color.
I turned from the picture,
heading towards the lite
room.
The door was open,
I went in.
There sat the two children,
the same ones that were in
the picture on the wall.
They were still,
and did not make a move.
As I got closer,
I noticed they were
too still.
Not moving at all.
Then behind me the door
shut , with a loud sound.
With that both children
looked at me.
and said, "The house has you now."
With that I went for the bedroom door,
it would not open.
Then the ivy started to come from
under the door.
It trapped me in a corner of the room.
Then a flash of light came out of
nowhere.
When I looked up again,
I saw a camera.
Floating in mid air.
It had taken my picture.
Then I gazed in the mirror
next to me,
I was white as a ghost.
The house had consumed me.
Before I knew it,
I too was sitting with the children.
Then I heard creaking of someone
on the steps.
Someone was entering the house.
As they came upstairs,
I could hear two people talking.
Then I heard them Saying, "Look at the two children,
in this picture, sitting with this girl."
I was still, I could not move.
As they entered,
the same thing happen to them,
As it did to me.
The camera came from
nowhere, again a flashing light.
I said out loud, "The house has you now."
Once it has your picture,
the house consumes you
and you never leave.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Author notes
Option A
A contest entry
- Haunted Mansion by XxGoldenxXDawnxX.
450 points, ended April 29, 2007, 13 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Something Frightful This Way Comes by Tom The Invader.
450 points, ended June 21, 2007, 25 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make me scream by WanderingCyclone.
460 points, ended June 12, 2007, 20 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Who can scare me? by Anonymous Shadow.
450 points, ended July 2, 2007, 9 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 37 of 37
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Chilling words, you carried the suspense throughtout superbly. A nice creepy write, good luck in the contest
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This keeps you on the edge of your seat waiting to see what happens next. I did find an error and will edit this part off once you correct it.
heading towards the lite
room.
It would sound better I think if you said it like this maybe:
Heading toward the room with the light.
Just a suggestion.
Good luck. Rose
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Great stuff...
Spooky & creative with great suspense throughout...
Felt it, lived it, loved it...
Well done!!!
Good luck in the contest...
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Wow what a scary poem. A wonderful write to read on a dark Halloween's night. I will have to watch out for floating cameras lol. Amazing story thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest and thanks for entering. hugs Theresa
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ty & gl
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I really liked this poem, you have such vivid words with a lot of imagery and that makes a great read. Thank you for your entry and good luck in my contest.
~Maria -
very good! this had imagery all over the place!
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WOW! That was one creepy poem! I think shall avoid that photo op as well. This is the stuff that nightmares are made of. Great wrote! Keep the ink flowing and good luck!
~Donna~
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Wow!!! I think I will avoid that photo op!!! Very nice imagery in this creepy wirte! I loved it...nice Halloween poem. Thanks for your entry and very best to you in the contest!
Blessed Be`
Az
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Oh my goodness
freaky house. great story
with excellent imagery
thank you for entering the contest
delila
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A fine write that builds tension effectively and is creepy enough for any campfire.
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great write
loved this, thanks for giving me such a thing to go to bed with. LOL
this was a gold for sure images so real and fear that you could taste. great.
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Congratulations on a worthy win!
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Interesting
Sounds like a mixture of Jumanji and The Shining, and maybe R.L. Stine's Goosebumps books. I like how you go on to show what happens after the switch to evil, I guess you would call it. Good job! -
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i agree
but more like a lovecraft novel.
-
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It sounds like something from a film. You use emotion and powerful imagery however in parts I felt there could be more intensity. I like the way you tell a story in vivid imagery. I was slightly scared when I read this though it wasn't terrifying but, I've watched too many horror films so my expectations are very high. Altogether this is a good poem and you won a trophy for it. Keep writing.
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Have you seen 'Ring around the rosey'? This poem is much like it. I like it. Sounds like something I might have a nightmare about. Good luck.
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Thanks for entering and good luck!
~Kelcey -
Thanks for entering and good luck!
Megan -
A dark and haunting story. Perhaps a little long for my liking (short attention span, you know) but the flow of this is great. The short lines did a great job of keeping the flow up with the quick storyline.
Thanks for entering.
DancingRed.
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lovely. great job and good luck.
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Fantastic write - it was like reading a very well written and thought out ghost story which is what I was after in this contest.
My favourite part is
Then I heard them Saying, "Look at the two children,
in this picture, sitting with this girl."
Fantastic - I loved it.!
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Deathly and fulfilling.
Wow.
This was of nothing of what I was expecting firstly.
But as I read into the story of damage and dread, I really enveloped myself in this picture you've painted. Wonderful imagery of darker theories. I really felt as if the dust was resting on my eyes when walking through these frames your pictured for me.
Well done.
Well written.
Darkness has been executed with great addition to death.
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This would make an excellent scary movie! Very interesting subject matter, although I found the language to be weak. The first few lines could be changed a lot to grab the reader's attention better. Remember to use that vocabulary! Thank you for entering my contest.
Au revoir et bonne chance.
-animated ♥ -
Wow. Haunting, very detailed. I loved reading it, thank you for entering. Good luck, and great job.
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this is great peom. a real thrill! i dont know what allowed in your contest, but a darker background might add to it a little. you know, set the mood a bit. well good luck in your contest. hope you win
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awesome write
This would be a great start to a gorror movie it has a tale of terror and a limtless form for a novel -
Very good
This was GREAT. So intriguing!! My favorite part was:
As they entered,
the same thing happen to them,
As it did to me.
The camera came from
nowhere, again a flashing light.
I said out loud, "The house has you now."
Once it has your picture,
the house consumes you
and you never leave.
That sounds straight out of a great horror movie!! Great job and best of luck in your writing future.
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You have here the beginnings of a mystery novel my friend. Very enticing read. You make me want more. Excellent!
"Then the ivy started to come from
under the door.
It trapped me in a corner of the room"
This poem would have read so much better left aligned. Just a quirk of mine with non-rhyming poetry, Pay me no mind at all. LOL A very clever writ my friend.
I wish you well in the contest.
Much Love ♥
Renee
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AHHHHHH I love it! lol
This is amazing, very thrilling and it keeps you interested right to the end. I've used a similar idea to this in a story I wrote, but with no big house and camera... Anyways, incredible write and good luck in the contest! I also think it would make a good film.
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I like how you have many lines but at points you get carried away and cause the poem to be broken up and sound choppy. This is a great piece, you are very descriptive, and it made this really really interesting to read.
Love Linz -
I LOVED IT!! I love scary movies, and books, and now I like your poem very good, and very inventive. It was excellent great piece of work.
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mystery read
Mystery thrill read, tale of ghosts, each line wanting, till the end , a page turner ..genial and original content ..loved it all and loved the adventure.
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WOW, this was incredibly creepy to read at 12:30 at night when your getting ready for bed. Not sure that nightmares wont consume this night in an attempt to free myself from the awesome imagry you provided in this. Thank you so much yet still for sharing it. It was completely fantastic and quite well written.
~A heart's Hope Lies Within Belladonna~
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Haunting
This is a good poem, the plot would make a good story or movie. It needs some more suspense with each step. Don't get me wrong, it builds suspense but needs some more imagery, IMO
Extremely good idea and best wishes in the contest.
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Creepy!
I wish I wasnt sitting in a dark room alone right now!!!
Good imagination my friend. Well done!
Good luck in that contest!
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