dusty years cover sandaled feet
want's weaving upon head and face
(empty, except hope)
like my children's swelling bellies
sun should break near the market square
and there (perhaps)
the merchant will exchange my basket
for a bag of rice
In a list
A contest entry
- Shopping List by Lavender Butterfly.
390 points, ended April 21, 2007, 8 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - an hour to kill and points to share by DancingRed.
300 points, ended April 29, 2007, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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I wasn't sure where this was headed until the last line, though the line, 'like my children's swelling bellies,' should have tipped me off.
It's unfortunate that such things exist, that people go hungry when other lavish in wantonness, but I am waxing political and that isn't approcpriate here.
There but for the grace of God....
But in the past I've been in the position of having to sell the basket for a few grains of rice for the belly. Not a dignifield place to be.
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I like your speck of hope in the place of an empty basket. This is a powerfully sad, yet strong write. I loved the imagery and could see it all. Great lines in such a short piece. You churned up the heat on this one, huh? Excellent written in my view.
AsIThink...
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Excellent
A truly masterful write. Congrats on the silver. -
This is really beautifully done. I took a look at that shopping list contest a while back, but never imagined something as unique as this. Your words tell the sad life story of poverty and hunger.
Not sure about the apostrophe in the second line.
Thanks for entering.
DancingRed.
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Sad but hopeful. Really thoughtful write... Congratulations.
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Congratulations on the silver! You rock!
You have painted such a poignant picture of a poor woman's plight and undying hope. I can see this woman in my mind, sandaled feet, walking with basket balanced on her head to the local market. She has risen early in order to beat the competition. She is rich in hope and diligence despite her material poverty. And she is motivated by love of her children.
The use of the parentheses adds to the effect of the poem. They have the effect of emphasizing the thoughts that they contain. The first set emphasizing that all this woman has is hope, yet she is filled with it. The sencond set ephasizing the unsure nature of what she has placed her hope in (which enhances the poignancy of the piece). Somehow I believe this woman will get her bag of rice. It seems to me that she has the will to succeed and a persistence born of hope that will endure and overcome.
I love the way that the title plays so well with the last line. Also I love the irony of the metaphor in the empty basket. The epmty basket is really full, it is full of her hope. Very nicely done.
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This poem made me sigh at the end, I just love it, I saw this contest before and I am so happy you won silver with this poem! Congratulations! The whole poem is truly amazing and brings such deep emotion to the reader, this definitely shows and does not just tell, and the title is perfect!
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tks
Thanks for your kinds words, and I appreciate you taking time to comment upon my poem.
ttc
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Excellent
Congrats on the silver. This was definitely very creative.
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Wonderfully metamorpic with vivid imagry. Loved the form and flow. A captivating write that speaks volumes even in its brevity. Hugs, Bunny
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Quite abstract. I liked the society aspect of this poem. I disliked the enjambment of 'the merchant' it seemed a little bit random. Good luck in the contest
Pozo
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Bursting at the seams with emotion and so very expressive, the sadness is penned in such a beautiful fashion, delicate and yet so thought provoking. Well done and good luck in the contest with this powerful entry.
Shaz xx
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Such emotion penned within your piece, great imagery and profound thought placed therein... x
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This is so sad yet written so beautifully. A truly thought provoking write.
My best to you with this.
Gaylene
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