Alone, I dance with my sweet Queen of Seasons
She twists, and she turns without any reasons
I've got a tale to tell you all
It's a circular story, which starts in the fall
When she gets set off, the green shades start changing
The lightning-shaped vines have been re-arranging
Her expression is silent, with only one sound;
The wind and the leaves as they slip to the ground
It's the silence before the chill draws near
It floats slowly downward when color turns clear
Then comes the second of my dear Queen's seasons
She shouts words of false meaning without any reasons
The ice starts to twist, outside the frost bites
Bursting into blue flame as the winter ignites
The rage cuts through me like cold, white sand
It comes from the gorgeous Miss Snow Angel's hand,
But I'll still make this sacrifice
Though the liquid inside me may turn to ice
This snowstorm of screams might not seem quite pleasing,
But I'd stay there for her 'till my blood starts freezing
When the snow settles down in my sweet Queen of Seasons
Her eyes start to melt for her own guilty reasons
Despising the winter, she says it's her fault
Down her face, there's a stream of rain pillars of salt
The last season was fierce, but it's still a shame
That she must be so harsh as she takes all the blame
She whispers "I'm sorry" when she's been unkind
I calm her down when she's out of her mind
As we see the end of our season of spring
The sun starts to rise and the birds start to sing
The summer crept into my Queen of Seasons
I turn to lithium, I know her reasons
I knew all along we would be here soon
Where she's shining so bright she could take on the moon
The lost souls all stare, as she slides through the air
Spreading daylight onto everyone there
And still I know every now and then
Her seasons will soon change again
Although the frostbite may not mend
It's all worthwhile it in the end
Author notes
April 19, 2007.... I got the inspiration for this when I was in a fight with my girlfriend. She was attacking me for things she KNEW were out of my controll, and the arguement ended with her saying "I hate you"... Then the both of us started crying... she appologised and told me she loves me... and she didn't know what she was saying... This happens a lot when you're dating someone who's bipolar and has other problems, but like I said in the poem, no matter what, she's still amazing... and even if she puts me through hell, it's all worth it.
________________________________________________________
3. write bout one of these disorders:
Pathological lying
Bi-polar
Manic depression
Anxiety disorders
Or things along those lines like suicide, cutting, biting, clawing any kind of self-mutilation
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A contest entry
- AnYtHiNg by crime scene doll.
550 points, ended May 5, 2007, 14 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Imagination Trip by Kaitlin Katastrophe.
340 points, ended April 21, 2007, 10 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options for everyone by DancingShadowCorpse.
375 points, ended May 5, 2007, 15 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Happy wih love.... by Heather Kelley.
500 points, ended May 20, 2007, 10 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Show Me The Love by The Void.
455 points, ended May 26, 2007, 27 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 3 option contest by XxpoisonxlipsxX.
400 points, ended August 17, 2007, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 33 of 33
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Many thanks for your entry in our 'Nature' contest.We had a mammoth task choosing the winners, we're sorry you were not chosen this time.
Please join us in the remaining contests in our Rhyming Extravaganza.
Sue and Jeff, your contest hosts.
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Wow this is Awesome, Great use of metaphor in this the flow and rhyme re really great to. Congratulations on the trophies they were well deserved
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I really like this. The flow and the rhyme...how you relate the story to changing seasons. You've already captured some trophies with it; congratulations. I need to amend my rules because I try to never award to anyone who has alread recieved a trophy. This is beautiful though.
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Antoher nature write... Quite darling, with a nice use of vocabulary and a clever rhyme...nicely writtne.
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OOOOOooooo.... You didn't get it!... The Queen of Seasons has absolutely NOTHING to do with nature WHATSOEVERRR... It's about my girlfriend's moodswings. The seasons represent phases of her mood.
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Oh ok... lol, sorry. I'm used of dark metaphors me, picking up on the not so positive maybe, but the little less angsty ones are the hardest!
x
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Aside from the real-life prototype of your girl...
…the emotional face of God (Queen of Seasons, Miss Snow Angel) – nurturing, loving, tender, sensual, mothering and enticing. She’s the life force in each of us as we change moment-to-moment. Sometimes her ‘voice’ is stressful (gusts of wind) as we experience fallen hopes, despair and loss (leaves). Then there are those times when she let’s us experience a lack of 'flow of ideas' and thoughts … when we’re not seeing any progress in our lives … when we’re feeling emotionally paralyzed or rigid (ice & frost); but she never let’s our life, love, passions or disappointments (blood) possess our work, our voice, our sacrifice in final completeness. Just like a mother chastises her child; we need pain to grow. But then … as you write it … the transformation and rebirth of spring comes again. I have trouble relating the lithium imagery. I think this is where you may cross over to conscious thought again and disconnect from me. Lithium, as an image, is a quick fix … an instant escape from the spring you were describing. It doesn’t lead to the real summer. Hence, the cycle will go … until the real ‘fix’ happens. Nice work! I hope she isn’t really manic depressive. She may just need to deal with something.
. Rewarded 8
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She's been diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder... That's schizophrenia and bi-polar put toghether. The "lithium" thing is in there because lithium is what they put in the meds for bi-polar people... Yeah, it is kinda random though.
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sometimes it's hard to explain how we feel emotionally. i had a roomate who had depression and she blamed me for things beyond my control. "lithium" stuck out to me, because i'm a science major. Lithium from Greek: lithos: stone, because it was discovered in petalite) is a chemical element with the symbol Li and atomic number 3. It is in group 1 of the periodic table, among the alkali metals and is the least dense solid element. it's got a white/silvery gray appearance.
why'd you choose lithium? is it because you felt that she was in a gray area? -
to many trophies
and yet another entry
you have such a talent but dont over do it in entries
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this poem deserves all the trophies it has gotten, this was truely an amazing write,great imagrey anf wonderful rhyme .
. Rewarded 4
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Wow
I really like this poem alot. It sometimes is hard to explain what we feel to or about the one we love.Amazingly good xxxx
. Rewarded 4
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very good
This poem was very good I especially like this part
"This snowstorm of screams might not seem quite pleasing,
But I'd stay there for her 'till my blood starts freezing"
its sweet I like it good luck in the contest
Heather
. Rewarded 4
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Hmm
Well.. You don't need me to tell you how good this poem is! It's already won so many trophies.
The metaphors in this are exellent, and the rhyming. Yay =] I love rhyming.
Thank you for entering and Good Luck!! -
I am not going to pick apart your work,it's yours and in my opinion what right do i have to tell you to change something that is not my own?So here's what I will say...this piece was written very well,I did enjoy the metaphors, definitely better than anything I have ever written...you have a gift the flow was great as was the imagery...kudos to you this was written beautifully
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Maybe "I've got a tale to tell you" should be the first line. Placing it after describing your Queen of Seasons is awkward, but I know why placed certain things where you did.
The "lighting shaped vines"? that's a weird way to describe vines . . . "frost bites" is one word . . .
"The frozen cold rage cuts through me like sand"-sand may be a contradicting word. Do you mean you are like sand or the frozen cold rage cuts like sand?
"Down her face, there's a stream of rain pillars of salt"-this line definitely seems like a forced rhymed line.
"And still I know every now and then"-contradictory line. The seasons don't change every now and then-it's a cycle. Because of that, it sounds like a forced rhyme.
Your poem is an interesting metaphor and you have really good imagery. Congratulations winning the contest -
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"The "lighting shaped vines"? that's a weird way to describe vines . . . "frost bites" is one word . . ."
^^^Look at a vine next time you see one. Tey ARE shaped like lightning! And I know "frostbite" is one word, but it's supposed to be like literally the frost is biting and not what happens when it's cold and your blood freezes.
""The frozen cold rage cuts through me like sand"-sand may be a contradicting word. Do you mean you are like sand or the frozen cold rage cuts like sand?"
^^^I was referring to snow, but I'm workin on that part.
""Down her face, there's a stream of rain pillars of salt"-this line definitely seems like a forced rhymed line."
^^^Have you ever read the bible? This was a reference to a story.
""And still I know every now and then"-contradictory line. The seasons don't change every now and then-it's a cycle. Because of that, it sounds like a forced rhyme."
^^^I know the REAL seasons don't change every now and then, but my girlfriend's do!!
Thank you for your input and kind words.
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Thank Christ there are only four seasons. Using seasons as a metaphor for mental stability and moods is not really a new concept; nor is using clichés and bland rhyme going to make it look any fresher. There are images in this that make no sense simply because they have been sacrificed to the God of Rhyme. And then there is this-
The frozen cold rage cuts through me like sand
Sand? Too bad we didn’t have the “O” rhyme coming up for we could have had “cuts through me like a marshmallow.” Understanding there are sand storms surely you could be more original as you are describing the depths of winter with an image more closely associated with the Sahara or a beach.
For a 40 line poem it is very important to keep the meter tight, especially as it is already constrained by the AABBCCDD format. However unlike many other verse poems in this comp, this one for the most part does have some rhythm and when the meter is on song and the line actually makes sense, it isn’t too bad. The rhyming is still by and too large bland on the real subject of mental illness where a much sharper edge can be employed to greater effect. It also has that “Stand by your man” feel or in this case, “Stand by this woman who is as mad as a cut snake, blows four seasons and despite her being fucked in the head…she’s mine” Lucky you, what a guy, what a pillar of strength. But at the end of the day, what an ordinary poem.
David
PS. Whilst this is good,
Bursting into blue flame as the winter ignites
This is not
As we see the end of our season of spring
The sun starts to rise and the birds start to sing
Due to the fact it is clichéd, hackneyed, twee, dull and on a point of nature- birds tend to come out at the end of winter, not the end of spring. Small point but one that has the ornithology camp well and truly in my corner on. Unless of course they have slept in or maybe they are completely out of their tree- much like the protagonist of this piece. But as far as a couplet goes, its very indicative of the piece.
PSS It would not get a gold trophy from me in a million years but I see someone has fallen for it. Its disqualified because its has won gold else where
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WOW! I never met a critic like you before, thanks a lot dude!
FYI--- This didn't win gold until today, so sorry about that.
To clear up some things---
"The frozen cold rage cuts through me like sand
Sand? Too bad we didn’t have the “O” rhyme coming up for we could have had “cuts through me like a marshmallow.” Understanding there are sand storms surely you could be more original as you are describing the depths of winter with an image more closely associated with the Sahara or a beach."
^^^By "sand," I was referring to snow. It looks like sand. The only difference is that it's cold and white. Sorry I did not try to make this statement clearer.
"As we see the end of our season of spring
The sun starts to rise and the birds start to sing"
^^^What is wrong with a simple metaphor? I'm the poet, and I want the birds to sleep in, dammit!
I really appriciate your lovely comments, but I think you have to be more open to the idea of the mental freedom of metaphor when writing. Not everything must be realistic.
PS--- You said at one point:
"Lucky you, what a guy"
...I am NOT A GUY!!!!!!
I am a 16-year old lesbian woman!
Sorry, I couldn't resist holding back on saying that. I would never want to be mistaken for something with a penis. (ew!)
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Fantastic!
This poem is incredible! I love it! I don't think I have read a poem like this that made me as shocked as I am now. You write very well, there is a lot of talent in this write and I am glad to have it in my contest!
I definatly like how this is a combination of option one and option four. The form and your choice of words, the way you have this rhymed. I love it to death! GREAT WRITE! I enjoyed reading this a lot! -
An interesting analogy to make, fairly well-written and some very good visuals included. Good job.
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The summer crept into my Queen of Seasons
I turn to lithium, I know her reasons
I knew all along we would be here soon
Where she's shining so bright she could take on the moon
The lost souls all stare, as she slides through the air
Spreading daylight onto everyone there
And still I know every now and then
Her seasons will soon change again
Although the frostbite may not mend
It's all worthwhile it in the end...very wow. -
This gave my mind pause to wander and speculate and draw various conclusions and thoughts of my own. I like when another’s work does that for me. It shows many sides to your talent. Keep that pen handy and continue to share your work with us here at Allpoetry! Good luck in the contest... I don't think you should have much trouble in my humble opinion.
♥ Touchof1der
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This poem has excellent metaphors. I love how you take the reader through all the seasons of the emotional world. Emotions do seem to cycle in seasons like that and it often feels we've already been here before even though it seems so new after the last season. Moodiness definitely cycles like that.
I think you did an excellent job on this and I loved the way it flowed. You did an especially good job with winter and I can feel the emotional iciness through your words. Best of luck with your girlfriend. I can kind of relate because my mom is very moody like this.
. Rewarded 8
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Both the surface poem and the internal poem (deep metaphor) are very well written. The allusion plays out with distinct appreciation of the seasons/moods that exist in life/society/people.
~*Starr*~ XXX
. Rewarded 4
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Wow
This was so graceful and beautiful. I am quite interested in writing about seasons and this was really great!! My favorite part was:
I've got a tale to tell you all
It's a circular story, which starts in the fall
When she gets set off, the green shades start changing
The lightning-shaped vines have been re-arranging
That symbolizes seasons in a very nice way. Great job and best of luck in you writing future. -
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Thank you for your kind words, but my poem was not really about seasons at all.
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This is very good...I love the way you took nature and used it for emotions running up and down ....hard to deal with , and I can relate...you have writtien a lovely piece of work here...until I read the authors notes, I thought it was just about the seasons...then after I read the authors notes..it all fell into place and it is wonderful..great write, thanks for sharing
. Rewarded 8
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This is beatiful. Giving her phases of emotion seasons.
This is really well done. I wish the best luck in the contest.
. Rewarded 4
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Wow... what a wonderful poem although I'm not sure how your girlfriend would feel about that... it's so sweet at the end but boy she sounds moody! There were a couple of lines here and there that interupted the flow for me- for example...
The lightning-shaped vines have been re-arranging
Her expression is silent, with only one sound;
I feel it would read better if you removed the word "her because there is an extra syllable... and in a poem like this, with such strong rhyme and rhythm... just one extra syllable can really ruin it, at least for me... there were a few other places like that but I won't bore you... other than that... fantastic... and I like your rhymes they weren't too cliche... very good!
Stephi -
This is really really nice and I just loved the entire piece.
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And still I know every now and then
Her seasons will soon change again
Although the frostbite may not mend
It's all worthwhile it in the end
The subject matter here have been taken in the scenes in details where one can go through the truth of the life and the immages of the poetic treatment have also been stored quite beautituflly and that is the true message of this work...The structure and the pace of this write is srongly moving around the determination of the poet...The impact of this poem is really very impressive and bringing its face over the muse of the readers..Indeed an impressive write
is here...
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WOW. This was incredible. It was so meaningful and amazing. It's just absolutely mind-blowing! This is one of the most amazing poems I've ever read! Good luck!!!
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