The darkness is warm this time of year
reflected from ribs of water rising in the
distance, only to fall again at the cold welcome
of hard concrete and Bloody Marys; the
shadows were hung-over, scaling temperature
drops on the other side of lover’s benches.
To the left a psychic traced the lines of
a woman, television camera angles hiding the clenched
fingers, and tapping feet under the table.
Perhaps she did not remember that she had
everything to hide.
A Jack Daniels and coke slides easily
between my lips; warm ribbons massaging
the insides, washing away rotten butterflies,
and the last balloon of an awful party.
We move on to under-the-table swigs;
I cannot feel the gin numbing my tongue,
preparing for the empty gibberish of forced smiles
and pointless conversation. A fat Indian man
will not leave us alone, he tempts with soft chairs,
and I tell him I like mine hard. It was a mistake-
he tells me he can sort out something hard;
by this point I cannot feel my toes on the ground.
It is midnight, too late to go home, and so we
tour London aimlessly, admiring shirt shops
that we would never go in. The coldness, and
sore heeled-shoes head to deserted stops,
winding backwards and forwards on the same bus
for seven and a half hours, with a collection of
human beings, that disillusion me.
-x-
Author notes
A collage of monday, tuesday and wednesday.. x Hope this is ok for you Zayra~ Town: London, Cocktail: Bloody Mary.
w.i.p
In a list
A contest entry
- Lime and Solmar ( two days only ) by Heart Sutra.
300 points, ended April 19, 2007, 7 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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I really adored the ending. This was a nice write that painted pictures and was harsh I felt in parts without being too in your face. You always have a fascinating bunch of word choices in your pieces. I enjoyed this one.
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Thought I'd offer one more critical critique before I fade out. I choose this one, because I like it. As in, I like story poetry that is time and place related and that fits in that spot nicely. That type of thing.
From your author notes, it seems like you were trying to fit three seperate days into this. This spread a little light on the confusion I had of this, as the first stanza, second stanza and then the rest, all seem to be different poems.
I didn't think that the first stanza was the be all end all, but I liked the second one a great deal. I found the second one very engaging. I had intially been considereing suggesting that you think of perhaps dropping the first stanza. However, when you get into the third one, it still doesn't seem to really connect to the third part.
Perhaps I'm missing the connection. It is late, I can't be sure at this point. I did think the third stanza down, was great. That part was all continous and I found flowed well.
A jumbled review. Make of it, what you will.
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Thankyou so much~
it is all from a bar in southbank, the first stanza describes the sun setting, and the second is a psychic on the left of us that was being filmed for tv- maybe I should have expanded on that stanza..
The third stanza. yes, well that's simply about getting more drunk, and a lot of old men trying to get off with us. But it does feel un-connected looking on it now..
Thanks a lot- I will look over this a lot. Scrap it probably and start again with the same ideas..
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CONGRATULATIONS
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thanks elaine.. xxx
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i wrote one of the days too... though less obvious lol. prob coz i was asleep/ half asleep for most of this.
x
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sounds like you spent the last three days drunk out of your mind. lol. hope it was fun
the line about the indian dude and liking something hard made me laugh.
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Yes, this is perfect.
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~ 'Marys/ies' ? and 'party' twice in two-lines ~
you're sliding prose-y, m'dear. prettiful, expansive ~ more to say? this feels very relaxed, melancholic. viewed through a looking-glass, or maybe underwater.
(that could just be me, fading, o'course. projecting and that.) -
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is it maries? I didn't think so.. thanks for the parties. ugg. I'm lazy. Can't be asked to change it.. lol. It's amazing the things you miss in your own work.
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*there
seriously, me. laid-back enough to un-capitalize's one thing. but laid-back enough to -misspell-? *shakes head* -
I'm not quite sure either ~ but, ys feels, wrong, a little. Don'tyouthink?
Yeah, 'ts weird. Like, 'how did that get ther? ...oh yeah' -
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nah- to me it feels much more wronger if it's 'bloody maries'
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ironic, mind ~ but I see your point
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true true...
wat a strange few days
i love yoo xxx
go team lump =p x -
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lumpy chum
hehe- yea.. saw some odd people- I guess i could have expanded on mr oliver..
would have gone somethign like.. i'm oliver. i'm 24. it's my birthday. i live with my gran. how old are you?? so yes. i live with my gran. spent her whole life looking after others..
hehe
Hope you are doing okidokes.. i'm doing art..
yawn.
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Wow, this is a fast forward view of glimpes into life for sure! Very well written. The images you created were very vivid. Well done. Good luck in the contest.
Jeannie -
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Thankyou~ I'm not quite sure what I think about this piece yet.. But it does show quite a few fragments of lives. .
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