Your weighted words shot loosely,
They leave me so distraught,
They cause me great distruction,
They penetrate my thought.
When your words are tainted
With such virulent intent,
Affected I do become
You don't know the full extent...
Won't you measure your words,
Before you send them out?
Your intentions do confuse,
and plunge me into doubt.
Are these words of hurting?
Or is this all just me?
The truth through your eyes,
Won't you let me see?
Author notes
This is a poem I am writing to someone... I know I jump around with the topic of the poem, but they will understand. Please comment and help me fix this up before I show her. It would help alot. Oh, I rewrote some of it, and edited other parts. Rewrote some of it to keep the poem on track with the weighted words theme, I'll leave the last stanza to a different poem dealing with those issues. And I edited the other parts to improve the flow.
Please can you comment on my language, and whether I get the point across. How does it sound?
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
-
Thats really good. Lol, and thanxz for the comment
-
Affected I do become? That is Yoda speak...
Pretty tame, too. My heart hemmorages, i'd rather they be fists, there is a lot to do here.
relationships survive through the aquired skills of listening(!) and negotiation. You have to be patient, own your feelings and go first laying down your way. Build trust. One thing you are doing right; asking, not accusing. -
-
Haha, Yes, those films have left some imprint on my mind. Alas, when I actually speak to her I do become 'hostile'? but she taunts that out of me. I don't even know why I like her anymore, i just cant stop...
-
-
It's still a wonderful poem ^.^...i liked it both ways, but i don't believe it makes a poem any better cleaning it up, original form should always be kept, but the new version is beautiful too.
-
-
I agree that in its original form it is in its 'truest' form, but when ever I read it I hated the roughness it had. So glad you like =]
-
-
rewrite
This is the original:
Your weighted words shot loosely
Penetrate my very thought
Causing great destruction,
Even if that ‘twas not sought.
When your words are tainted
With such virulent intent,
Affected I do become
You know not the full extent.
Will you not measure your words,
Before you send them out?
Your intentions do confuse,
Plunging me into doubt.
My emotions lay flimsy
Resting on your frigid palm
My only question for you:
‘Will you help, or will you harm?’ -
this is a beautiful write, i love the way you portray your words.
-
-
thanks so much, It was a bit messy, ive cleaned it up abit with the help of a friend, tell me what you think...?
-
-
I understand what you are saying in this poem and it comes across clearly to me. I think that this is a really good write, maybe just needs a teeny bit of tweeking to make it flow a little more smoothly. Otherwise its great.
-
-
Aaaah, I realised it needs tweaking, but there is the problem, I can just see that it needs work, not really where..
arrrgh
-
-
I could sense your frustration as I read the words of your poem. I know that for me, Getting those feelings out in written form seems to help bring clarity to cloudy situations. great job. thank you for sharing. peace and light, kp
-
-
Yes, I agree. That is the sole reason I started writing. Its a vent...
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 12 of 12
