All over but the crying,
alloted days are done.
Whispered warnings unheeded,
now denied the sun.
No hell awaited,
as a place of pain.
Instead a fiery mark
said to be of Cain.
A burning brand of sorrow
that we can not undo
a word, deed or thought
we acted on, but rue.
Locked in self pity
no one can console,
just wasted potential
of a self convicted soul.
Atoning tears awash us,
as we clearly see.
All we could have done
and all that we could be.
Standing in true love
for all we've ever met.
We review relationships
and tearfully regret.
copyright 2007
Tamera Dobbins
all rights reserved
A contest entry
- Tears from Heaven by ChildeOfChaos.
900 points, ended April 23, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Raven Qualifier - Culture: Religion, Society and Politics by Raven Contest.
450 points, ended August 1, 2007, 84 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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In the 3rd stanza I'm looking of the word "that" between "sorrow" and "we". Also, the 4th stanza is so difficult to read properly I would consider a drastic overhaul.
That stuff aside, this is *certainly* good enough to get you to the preliminary finalist's list. Very well done.
Thank you for your entry.
~Das
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Das, thank you for your suggestions. After rereading. I agree and have made a few changes. Thank you for your suggestions and the spirit in which they were offered. I appreciate both.
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I see... the third stanza is much better. The fourth still reads differently then all the rest, tho. Why is that?
You seem friendly enough, so I'll trust that you understand I don't mean that question in an insulting nature. -
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I was trying to force that stanza too much I think to get a point across, I worked on it for a bit today and tried a few things to get it to flow better. I think the one I chose helps, what do you think?
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I think you have perfected this wonderful piece. Well done. I have nothing but positive feelings now.
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Standing in true love
for all we've ever met.
We review relationships
and tearfully regret.
These lines carry wisdom and truth. This poem touched my heart. I really got me into the poem from a reader view point. I like the whole write. These lines will come up in someone life at any age. I love the timeless quality to this write. Very well written. One can see your gift for writing. Keep up the great work. -
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Thank you, thank you for reading.
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Interesting take on the picture, I like it. I loved the "mark of Cain" reference as well as the entire 4th stanza. Wonderful poem. Thanks so much for sharing this!
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thank you very much
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