The man named Rick saunters across
the dance floor as smooth as a woman
massaging lotion on her body.
With the finess of a snake, he slithers
to the side of his dinner, ready to feast.
Oblivious, the small blond meal smiles,
as if to say, "Snatch me. I'm tonight's
blue plate special."
He turns, orders a soda, strokes pock
marks embedded in the old, stale wood
of the bar. Eyes shifting towards supper,
Rick captures her gaze and caresses
her body with the ease of the skilled hunter
he knew himself to be. Deep inside,
skulking, the demon waits silently,
ready to be let loose.
Revision:
Rick saunters across
the dance floor as smooth as a woman
massaging lotion on her body.
He surveys the room in search of
someone to sleep with.
There, opposite the dance floor,
a small blond smiles at him, as
if to say, "Pick me. I'm tonight's
blue plate special."
Rick approaches the woman, and takes
the stool on her left. He turns, orders a
soda, strokes pockmarks embedded in
the old, stale wood of the bar. He
captures the lady's gaze and
caresses her body with the ease
of the skilled lover he knows himself
to be.
Rick takes her hand, and strides from the bar--
ready for dessert.
This is a revision for my final in creative writing. Please tell me if there are any changes that can be made to make it better. Can you understand the point/theme of the poem? Thanks.
Comments
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Wow! Impressive. Great imagery. I think you did a great job, and the ending is awesome. It allows the reader to carry it out in their own way! Well done.
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I dig it.
First off, I'm new here. So you can take this or leave it. The concept is great and your imagery superb. A couple cliche uses of snake. Why always a snake? Why not an eel, or a millipede. Something creepier than an snake, because this guy is a creep. I adore the first lines of the second verse. I can SEE it. I also very much liked that you named him. Very good work. Some of the more original thinking I have seen on this site thus far. -
Not Bad
It's got a lot of great imagery but the ending was sort of anticlimactic. Great word choice though. Good job.
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