You and I were a dirty mess
Two lumps of wood charred to lumps of coal
Sinner and angel in the press
A strutting stallion and a leery foal
You and I are quite cynical
Two different strokes from the same paintbrush
Neither of us could resist the call
To hold and kiss and love and rush
You and I were fancy free
The world trembled as we charged it head on
We had a certain urgency
Mutual dependency our weapon
You and I cannot be consoled
We couldn’t take the pressure coming in
Even diamonds start as coal
We forced apart seeking an easier gem
Author notes
critiques welcome
A contest entry
- Cryptic Tongues by Violent Serenity.
1200 points, ended April 19, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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wow, this is a very curious write,
great descriptions and the style you used 
keep it up, and good luck in the contest^.^
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"You and I cannot be consoled
We couldn’t take the pressure coming in
Even diamonds start as coal
We forced apart seeking an easier gem"
Very, very, interesting. I loved those last lines. Your analogy on relationships is quite inventive.
Nice work.
John
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Oh can so easily relate to this, I had a relationship with someone that in the real "Normal" world we could have had something but we were in the throes of our addiction and it just took us to 2 opposite ends of the spectrum ie coal/diamonds, even though we both had so much in common...excellent metaphors...good job!
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huh...that's interseting...I'm not certain the picture you're wanting to convey here...it's not coming completely clear, but I like the fuzzy picture...interesting.
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Liked the metaphor likening two souls to coal and diamonds. Liked the flow and the message shared in these lines as well.
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nicely done! Although I think the ending lines were a little confusing.
"Even diamonds start as coal
We forced apart seeking an easier gem"
Maybe I'm just slow and not getting what your saying but, should it say "we were forced apart seeking an easier gem" or did you mean that you were forcing diamonds and coal apart? I think I got lost somewhere in those lines. Thank you for sharing.
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I tried,(apparently not so clearly) to tell you that we coould have been perfect together, but it was a terrible amount of work and sacrifice, and we ended up going our separate ways , each in search of someone we meshed with more easily, an easier "gem" to form
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I love the use of metaphors! Seems kind of shaded like you don't want to reveal everything about this relationship to everyone so you're using imagery that only you fully understand.
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bravo
A well done and nifty lover's lament of a long gone south, explained most wonderfully here ... bravo...
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