Sh.sh.ivering,
sh.sh.aking,
Dripping with sweat.
St.st.umbling,
fumbling,
but I'm not dead yet.
The sh.sh.ivers,
the jit.jit.ters with ruby red eyes.
Near fatal sp.sp.ills,
from shiny blue p.p.ills
bringing me to my fantastic demise.
Feeling woozy,
can't fall down,
my bones will sh.sh.a*t*t*er if they hit the ground.
Sp.spinning faster.
Save me now,
from jumping at the sl.sl.ightest sound.
So much weeping,
not much sleeping.
I'm st.st.ut.t.tering on every word.
Random t.t.apping,
non-stop {ahaha}laughing,
D/i/r/t/y p/r/e/t/t/y girls always act this absurd.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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This is good
The basis of the emotions is right and the lines have a menaing
I however am not too keep on the punctuation, in my opinion dirty pretty should be acchieved with vocabulary and poetic devices, I think the punctuation can break the poem up, it doesn't seem like a poem
But you captured moments well and the title was clever with it
Well done
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I really like the emotion and especially " Near fatal sp.sp.ills,
from shiny blue p.p.ills" I think this is probably my favorite out of all of your poems so far. Keep them coming.
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i like the way you write it give very vivid imagery.
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wow this is awesome i like it you have awesome flow and you rhyme so good your poems make me feel like well like they portray your feelings they are really awesome i love them
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Fantastic
I just joined the Dirty Pretty group, mainly because it intrigued me. And I wanted to get a feel for dirty pretty poetry.
Thank you.
Your poetry definitely gives me that. It is broken by punctuation 'incorrectly' in a technical sense of language, but i now have an understanding of how this portrays such powerful emotions. And the structure of this particular piece is excellent, strong enough that without the breaks it would still keep much of it's quality. The punctuation and essentially "Dirty Pretty" aspects just adding to the emotion and emphasising it further.
I felt that some of the breaks didn't quite work, just for me anyway, they seemed to be there as if just to keep with the pattern. Such as "Sp.spinning faster" the others seem very onomatopoeic, but this less so. That is only a minor criticism in all fairness to you, as this is a work of excellence.
My favourite part was:
"I'm st.st.ut.t.tering on every word.
Random t.t.apping,
non-stop {ahaha}laughing,"
I'm unsure on the use of slashes in "D/i/r/t/y p/r/e/t/t/y" is it a refpection of the broken and jarred lifestyle...the writing style itself? I'm not sure, I wondered what your thinking behind this was?
All in all this is fantastic, thank you very much for an introductary to my world of Dirty Pretty poetry. You should feel honoured, haha.
Thanks
Daz
x
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this is great! i love how there's emphasis on the words. you get the feeling and the meaning of them. plus,the emotion is felt. overall, this is a great poem! great job!
~krystina
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ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......................
pretty.....
lol.
I'm really loving this piece of fantabulous work.
luvvs
xxxxxxxxxxx
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AH I love this! It's fabulous! I really like how you emphasized the stuttering by repeating the first of the word a couple times. You did well with this piece. I love the part:
Feeling woozy,
can't fall down,
my bones will sh.sh.a*t*t*er if they hit the ground.
Sp.spinning faster.
Save me now,
from jumping at the sl.sl.ightest sound.
So much weeping,
not much sleeping.
I'm st.st.ut.t.tering on every word.
Random t.t.apping,
non-stop {ahaha}laughing,
D/i/r/t/y p/r/e/t/t/y girls always act this absurd.
It's fabuous hun! I love it!!
ily
CCX
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