Part One - The World
There are few things of which I am certain,
but whomever said a star “twinkled” in the night
had truly not seen one;
for a star is a mighty and fearsome thing.
It is an uncontrollable fury
burning with unimaginable power;
a star life, over billions of years,
giving light and heat to the cold of space.
There are many miracles of stars;
but to me the more astounding may be found:
As I can sense its absence beneath a passing cloud;
Or smile as the familiar warmth so lightly touches my cheek.
For as I know the strength and might of a Star,
so do I feel the simple grace of such gentle moments.
Part Two - The Lightning
So one night, when I was in my teens,
we took a joy ride;
mean streets of the Big City.
Started at two in the morning,
Big City was alive, streets a-filled of its night people.
As we drove down a narrow one-way street
among the sounds of music and late June fireworks;
suddenly I felt a burning on my arm,
a little weak, then more burning.
I looked at my newly scarred arm;
the new hole in the car seat next to me.
I shouted out my pain and triumph;
later still driving, the pain subsided.
“Another six inches…,” we all laughed.
Part Three - The Sparrow
And the sparrow does not dread
coming of winter when cold is nigh;
the sparrow will nest in Spring.
His eye is on the sparrow.
I had not seen a star,
it was a ‘twinkle-twinkle’ or so I thought.
My scar was a souvenir;
a sign of my luck and good fortune.
“Another six inches”
Had I understood the strength of His hands,
I would have known the tenderness of that moment.
And the Sparrow too….
A contest entry
- A piece of You by Melissa Gayle.
1300 points, ended May 6, 2007, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrite " SPECIAL" by wingsofgold25.
450 points, ended May 17, 2007, 123 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Power of Thoughts by parasol.
1500 points, ended July 21, 2007, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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This is truely original. I enjoyed how you sectioned the different parts of nature. I think it fit well all together. The imagery was clear, fresh, and crisp. It was also quite powerful. The details and lovely metaphors were very refreshing. Thank you for your entry. Good luck in my contest.
- Andi
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The first verse was penned ok but you can pen all you want you will never take the twinkle out of the Star for me. The first verse and the third went well together. But I didn't get the same feeling with the second.
Thanks for your entry.
Good Luck, -
You were able to create a piece where each of the three sections would stand on their own but together, your transition is extremely well done.
I really like the way you were able to tie one and three together. You don't lose impact and you don't seem redundant.
The piece did have a bit of a 'story-like' quality to it, but it works well here. Thanks for your entry. -
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Thank you Melissa
for your wonderful contest and all of your work and effort...PK
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I'll second Kimmie on applauding the transitions in tone. It works well here to capture the differences and contrasts. I thought the "eye on the sparrow" was a touch cheesy for the sentiment, but sometimes we want to be a touch cheesy.
I like the first section despite its inate untruth. Yes, stars are magnificent conflagrations, but when we look at them, they _do_ twinkle. The contrast between those two things works really well to set us up for the non-chalance in the face of awesome power in the second section.
I like the tone of the second section. It has a natural rythm that works for me. "streets a filled of its night people" was a little awkward... I wasn't sure if it was a typo or you're trying to use dialect with "a-filled of."
The sparrow is an interesting choice of symbol to resolve this, but it works really well. The great and tiny contrasts above become a matrix to extend the sparrow into the smaller (hence the cheesy line) and the greater. I'm not inclined to see the hand of God in things, but like Hopkins the image works whether we ascribe divinity or not.
Brian
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such a great poem with a before and after scene being set by each part of your trilogy.
this seemed like such a different poem by you, from what I've read before. In the past, your voice throughout an entire piece of work is all the same. The use of the trilogy format shifted that a bit. I felt as though the first and third part of the trilogy were more in the same style and voice as its counterparts. The middle had less of that traditional / classic tone I find throughout most of your writing and seemed more of a modern day novel setting for some reason. The story telling just seemed different. -- just as good, just different.
Overall, this is a perfect poem to tell your story with a defining moment that showed a sort of calmness in the world before, a middle event being told that "jolted" us into a significant moment in your life - then the afterthoughts of that moment in your concluding stanza as you looked back upon it yourself.
Well done again Pete. - another pleasure to read.
Kim
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Thank you Kimmie
we seem to run into each other on the site quite a bit always a pleasure, thank you for your effort here to help me it is so very much appreciated...PK -
Thank you Windhover3
for taking the time and making the effort to critique this needy piece and I am grateful. I appreciate the comments and the cheese; this is the reason that I enter contests and so you have made this worthwhile, again thank you.
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I liked this one alot..
"Had I understood the strength of His hands,
I would have known the tenderness of that moment"
Perfect. I agree with Zayra, there's just something about a sparrow..yes..
Very fine work.
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Something about "sparrows" in poems always gets to me. Good luck in the contest.
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This is a very deep and pretty much profound write. The meaning expressed in this is clearly shown. The ending ties it up, well done on this.
~Miraculous~ -
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Thank you Miraculous
for your kind words and very helpful comments...PK
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you did a very good job with this poem!!! your title is very good!!! Good luck in your contest!! take care!
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very good job with writing this. your title really pulls it together. good luck in the contest. enjoyed. was well worth the read.
blu
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Thank You Blu
for your kind words... so much appreciated...PK
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"And the sparrow does not dread
coming of winter when cold is nigh;
the sparrow will nest in Spring.
His eye is on the sparrow..."
"Had I understood the strength of His hands,
I would have known the tenderness of that moment.
And the Sparrow too…."
Whoaaa...What a wonderful piece (peace) this is, my Friend...I'm glad I posted mine before I read yours, Poet Man...It's funny how my friends & I always seem to be on the same page at the same time...perhaps on a different paragraph, but there we are...Carol & I often enter the same contests moments apart...A friend of mine was hit by lightning when she was only 14...My ex was hit when he tried to close the window during a storm...I only got knocked on my butt, getting shocked by a horse fence...
I'm glad I don't really know the feeling, though...Ya know the saying about lightning never strikes twice in the same place??? I can guarantee ya, I'll never play golf with Lee Trevino... Anyway, I digress...This is a beautiful, spiritual, intelligent penning, Sweetie...Good luck in Melissa's contest, my Friend...
Wanda
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This is great. I read an entire beautiful, personal essay in poetic form. It's truly astounding how you did that. Very well done, and the content and meaning is really great for pondering. Great lessons.
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Thank You Duana
for your kind words and generous and touching comments, and most for reading...much appreciated...PK
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Wow. There is a deeper meaning woven into the words. Both within the written metaphors and within the words withheld by the poet.
"My scar was a souvenir;
a sign of my luck and good fortune.
“Another six inches”
Quite a profound piece, presented in a pleasing way.
Bravo!
Marianne
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Save for a sparrow, saved from lightening... to behold a the wonderment of the stars under which we live. Good luck in your contest. ~Sie
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Outstanding snippets of life, beautifully put together and described in a way only you could do, a hint of humor amid beauty personnified in a star and a sparrow. Love, C
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