Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

[ The younger ]

The younger
God would have winked
at a snapped shell.

Now,
his teeth just
show steam; A sexy pig.

The leaf house will
stand on it's
own anyway blowing

in & out of
purple moments
praying to a mirror.

While, the
corpse tacks tomorrow
to it's back

and tries to hide
the bones from the earth
with an echo on it's shoulder.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 7 of 7
  • LunaStar13
    May 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    ah, nona, you always take me on a good trip... your mind is more expansive than words can describe.... beautiful insanity.....


  • eataortic
    May 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Well...what was that all about?
    Kinda a good in a 'i dont know what the fucks goin on but a like it' kinda way


  • Heart Sutra
    May 9, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Well, this is definitely a gold winner. Congratulations!


  • JohnWaynePalsy
    May 3, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    very nona

    id tell ya how good i thought it was but im in a bad mood...
    plus im sober.
    even at that i find i still love you in the morning.


  • jaunty pill gold member
    April 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    You see , That opening stanza is the perfect start for the poem. It sets a standard that the rest of the imagery has an almost un-convential way of following. What I have always found most appealing about your poetry is the use of snapshots...They connect and they work and they breathe. There are not many poets on here that are able to step outside the comfort coat. Most wear the imagery like a clip-on...You seem to slip gently into the poetry. Getting lost almost.

    The fifth stanza is brilliant. Love the use of the " corpse ".

    My only real problem with this poem is that the last line separates and I don't think it's needed. I mean the rest of the poem keeps a certain distance/spaces and it works, But that, I'm just not sure it is necessary. I guess I'll leave it up to you.

    This is a great entry and I am proud you entered this into my contest.

    Take care ,
    James


  • mushroom king
    April 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    On my knees praying... A good God is hard to find... On my knees waiting... For that sweet salvation to hit my face... I want to feel it all... running down my cheek.


  • Ava Noire silver member
    April 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    "the younger god would have winked,"

    you really think so?

    you convinced me. fabulous writing. no, beyond fabulous. 3 clappy claps.

1 - 7 of 7