he's laying there[quietly]
on the other side of town-
wishing he wasanywhere with her
but shes with this other guy
laughing;;loving{sex}fooling
the bottle of gorgeous liquor
lays[capped]beside him
[the cigarette,the vanilla;;cocaine]
is only the added bonus
as he sits[alone]with his feelings
--his[not so]open fears of her--
without him,with another guy
&& what is he supposed to say
when love is still[bleeding]in his hands.
discerning eyes see[painted]love
outlined with colors of the heart
&& voices coated{thickened}with emotion
--his voice,hers,as she begs for it to stop--
{[her heart can't take it]}
he tells her without actually saying it;;
this other guy with the words
as he loves her[quietly]in the |darkened| room
and they're reaching climaxes
--he sits alone[thinking of her]--
her mind[circles]around him;;
love bleeding;;hearts racing
{[her heart as to pick]}
but they'll both leave her with a goodbye-
words every month
&& she needs more;she needs a life
not fear of[losing their]life
&& not shes stuck;;going in circles-
around&around in [dizzy]confusion
where she finally collapses
{with love, with fear,
with an [oh so]silent goodbye}
he gave her the world;;a life
and she lost her grip
he said goodbye first-
but goodbyes are[beautifully]taken
when they seem to mean
nothing at all
[and now what?]
M. M. O'Malley
4-16-07
10:14 p.m.
Author notes
option #3
this is my life in words.
going in circles&circles over and over again--its tiring
A contest entry
- Baby don't you know this ♥love♥ (is just between the sheets) by Exodus.
525 points, ended May 4, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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I don't know how many times I have read this piece, and each time I find something in it that makes me sit back and go "oh".
I knew when I put this up as a title the piece would either be absolutely stunning or so cliche it would make my teeth hurt. I am glad this is the former.
I am curious though, in "{[her heart as to pick]}" is it supposed to be "as" or "has"?
Thank you for entering and best of luck, this was a lovely piece.
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wow, im not sure how to respond back to that comment. its flattering and making me go back and read it and find what it is you liked about it. and im happy you found this not to be so cliche. but im really happy you liked it, more than anything right now.
i guess you could say the story, the real story, behind this is so complicated. but yes, it is {[her heart HAS to pick]} i didnt realize i did that.
but again, thank you for such a great comment. happy judging.
♥[[Chaos]]
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I didn't mean for my coment to make you change the piece for me...it was just my opinion and you need to write for yourself...if the punctuation makes the piece a mess just like your life...hell, use the whole damn keyboard....It was just my opinion, and to me, it reads a lot more beautifully now....and it's a beautiful poem, I think it deserves to read beautifully. Thanks for taking my opinion to heart...it means a lot that my word means something to someone....
ily
Xx
PS: I got you on my page now, go check it out and telll me if you want it to read something different. -
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the truth is, other peoples opinions on my poems means a lot because it tells me as well as shows me what i need to change and work on. so thank you on that. and others have told me that this poem would be better if i went back to my old style and take stuff out, and i finally did. my life is truly a mess, but i think its about time i got it in order and im starting that tonight by going out on a date with a new guy.
and thanks for telling me what you thought now. as for the beautiful comment-thanks- i love when i can do that.
ily2
[[Chaos]]
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darling, this is really a great poem......but I think the topic of this one is left better NOT in dirty pretty form....without all the random punctuation...it's a beautiful poem, really it is, it would be a lot more flattering without all the random punctuation... Some of the punctuation...like surrounding the drugs and alcohol....but I think it's a little bit much for the sensitive topic of love....just my opinion. Loved the content of the write....beautiful.
ily
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hey to start thanks...for me though, love is a mess and this poem looks that way. my life is a walking tornado. and with the whole brackets thing...you can use those words or you dont. thats why i like them.
idk, what im doing...i wouldnt call dirrty/pretty...people have told me that and its the truth. i just like the brackets cause it gives it something different, thats what i like, but honestly, if you read some of my older stuff back in the middle of march or even before that, you find my style has changed and im desperately trying to go back to that. so i guess i'll have to see about that.
thanks darling, again.
ily2
[[Chaos]]
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hey sweets, i havent talked to you in forever
how goes it?
i like this poem, but at the same time im kind of dissapointed that you're letting dirtypretty take over the way you used to write -
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i know its been forever, i misses you. ive been okay, could be better, chad is still giving me shit and i asked for a second chance and he told me there was nothing left to take. my life(family wise too)fell apart. i lost my bestest friend cause she chose a guy over me. so yeah, talk about hell...but i wont go on about it.
as for dirty/pretty-according to definition[ ] im not even using the real style. so idk, i kinda like the insert things, they make the poem a little different, and i have these poems written normally like i used to, but i entered them this way here. my life really is like this right now. its a mess...and well dirty/pretty--when they're posted they look like messes anyway. and alcohol, sex, drugs, they seem to describe my life too.(no drugs, really, just the effects) so idk, im sorry, i'll be going back to my old style soon...im getting sick of this as well.
♥iloversyou
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Damn girl! You've got some talent. You still have a very young flare that compliments your work well. I'm impressed.
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young flare...hmm...i guess i never thought of it that way. idk.
im happy to have impressed someone and just well...thanks really.
♥Love
[[Chaos]]
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aww....this is kinda sad. I love it and I hope you do well. I think it's kinda interesting how you do the little inserts. Great job and good luck in the contest!
<3 Jenerali
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aww..thanks darling. i seem to be getting that comment alot-sad...but good. hmph...i am kind of in a sad period right now, so idk.
i like inserts in my poems too. they make it interesting and it gives it another way to read it and make you think a little extra harder to understand the order and stuffs. lol!
thanks again.
♥Love
[[Chaos]]
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