Fear and loathing by my side,
sins ignored or alibied,
Lies and truth soon to collide-
get me off this broken ride.
Mangy funhouse mirthless tour;
rat maze proved to be a chore.
Puzzling floors slid side to side
breaking our once steady stride.
Halls of mirrors jeered at us;
found our warped image hideous.
Massive snake rattled with shame,
plunging in a blast of blame.
I begged this twisted blur to end,
dreading we’d fly off a bend
The ancient wooden track gave way-
nothing left to do but pray.
Gravitron held us in place,
but once again blame and disgrace
tried to pry us from the wall;
filled with fright we feared the fall.
Howling in a timeless terror,
circling hell’s hole forever.
Even though I'm terrified,
no age or safety rules apply.
My buckle’s stuck and will not slide-
I can't get off this broken ride.
Author notes
An extended metaphor for my family's dysfunction (Dad, Mom, siblings).
If you are depressed and/or suicidal, please get help. Here are a few resources:
metanoia ~ http://www.metanoia.org ~ http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
AFSP Association for Suicide Prevention ~ http://www.afsp.org/
NAMI National Association of Mental Illness ~ http://www.nami.org/
Parents, there's help for you, too!
Parental Stress Line ~ 1-800-632-8188 ~ www.parentshelpingparents.org
In a list
A contest entry
- Give me your best #2 by love my jose luis.
600 points, ended April 28, 2007, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Here's the Deal by dp robertson.
900 points, ended May 5, 2007, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Abstract. Be different. by Trent plus pen.
650 points, ended July 3, 2007, 38 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options/ Pre-writes/ Rhyme Only by poets whisper.
600 points, ended November 4, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your Best Three Pre-writes by piccola.
800 points, ended November 27, 2008, 140 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Tell me about your family. by Zannah.
700 points, ended February 7, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Gimmie somthing that doesn't suck. by Predaw.
460 points, ended October 27, 68 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I Want New Favorites!!! by Paloszoo.
800 points, ended March 22, 55 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Can You Withstand a Blunt review? by NoseRingGirl.
950 points, ended May 8, 57 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Scary Carnivals, Wicked Clowns by TheStreetReverend.
480 points, ended July 1, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - .xx.tWiStEd.xx. by l o v e b u r s t.
570 points, ended July 7, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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Judges View
about family huh?
i thought it might have been a relationship.
but family works too.
great beginning
"Fear and loathing by my side,
sins ignored or alibied,
Lies and truth soon to collide-
get me off this broken ride."- love the repeating line
Thank you for entering my contest
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Fantastic metaphor used to describe dysfunction! I could totally relate! Thanks for entering my contest! Good luck! I'm honored to have you show your work here!
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I really liked this style great job. good luck
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I've read and commented on this before. I really like it and seem to like it more every time I read it. Guess I should book mark it
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Congrats on the silver! Nice job with the rhyme and flow. what else is there today besides family dysfunction ... too many destructive influences in today's society ... family heads working too hard and too long, many times mothers having to work also ... kids left alone. Booze and drugs ... violence. Not to mention other women all to happy to break up an already stressed home. Nice write; sad but all too true.
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Very good indeed
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This is good,
The rhyming is very well done.
Nice job<3 -
Cool, i didnt have tme before, but now I can give you a bit of feedback.
I'm a sucker for rhyming poems, but I am also really picky with them. It seems at some points you were rhyming just for the sake of it. Like you were putting words in there just because they rhymed. An example of this is:
"Trapped in a corner turned the wheel
Spinning in place I lost my meal"
I feel maybe the "lost my meal" was a bit random and just kinda chucked in there.
But on the whole, there isn't much i can complain about for this poem.
I dont like to give too much away, but you very well may be in the top 5 entries so far.
Goodluck and keep up the awesome poetry!
Trent.
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excellent
Great poem!
Goodluck in my contest!
Trento -
Interesting piece to be certain, nice flow to it although i kinda got lost in the concept, however that may jes be me!Best of luck in this and all of your endeavors.
Hetohke'e 
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I wrote a short poem a little while back so close in theme to this that it's almost scary, only I wrote about a carousel. Your imagery is amazing, and your rhythm and rhyme are excellent.
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Thank you both. After DP Robertson was done critiquing it, I figured it was pretty much trash. So thanks for the positive feedback!
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I think this is very well done; you express yourself well
Wishing you all the best in all that you do! -
Very well done
Fear and uncertainty is reflected in your broken meter,
a nice effect. In case what you say is true,let me share this quote with you. "Make yourself familiar with the angels, and behold them frequently in spirit;
for without being seen, they are present with you."
St. Francis de Sales
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"Fear and uncertainty is reflected in your broken meter,"
That's a happy accident! This is a poem about family dysfunction (my family growing up and it's dysfunctional aftermath). My husband, though, is my knight in shining armor, and I believe we are managing to raise a well adjusted son.
The pain never seems far away...
Thank you for the quote from St. Francis de Sales. I am a Christian, so I appreciate that.
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Sweet and Nice just like Ice
Well it is of rides and rhymes that you speak, how the Ferris Wheel was lost in the abyss of the Falling Wooden Coaster like the one on Coney Island.
I like it, I like it so. Now if I could find my way out this maze of terror that is the halls of mirrors.
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Excellent
A very visual and skillful write. Great use of metaphor. Good luck in the contest.
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Thank you so much.
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Thank you for your comments and applause, Gaylene and JP32!
((hugs)) Joyce -
Great write and use of the extended metaphor! A very clever write!
All the best in this contest
Gaylene
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Thanks for your comments and applause!
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Good write! Ourlife can be a rollercoaster ride! Great metephor! Good luck in the contest!
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I'm going to overlook that your rhyme scheme is off becasue this is a good poem, especially for a new poem. Most people are already telling me that I need to allow prewrites, so I went back and changed that, but I will tell you that you have brownie points for a new poem.
Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
~Alix -
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Thank you. And you're welcome
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