I'll wait for you here.
I trust you're not far.
It was you who called me,
after all.
I still remember.
I lived in decay,
the kind that can't be overcome
by strength or will.
In the cellar of broken dreams
you shone your light
and found me, emaciated,
covered in cobwebs.
You left the old door open,
standing just outside,
and read out loud, so I could see
stories in darkness.
Many seasons passed.
But I finally emerged,
lured to the sound
of your lyric visions.
You placed one hand
firm on my shoulder,
and my knees nearly buckled
from weakness.
You said, "Now you've come,
emerged into light.
And you'll never return
to the shadows."
We walked.
You talked of potential,
of patience and study
and time.
I listened.
I watched the clouds climb
where mountains reach out
to the skies.
You talked of acceptance,
the power of faith,
a trust in the value
of learning.
I listened,
and built castles of sand
and watched them return
to the sea.
Then I suddenly saw it,
the long steady path
you had been hinting at
with breadcrumb words.
It was covered in shrubs,
weaves of poison oak,
and the old fallen branches
of deeply rooted tears.
And I found myself
shifting past years' leaves
beneath an uncertain tread
of discovery.
Behind me I heard
your soft-fallen feet
hardly disturbing
the settled breath of dew,
and the sound of your voice,
naming the leaves,
the blossoms, stones and creatures
on the way.
And each had a story,
of birth and being—
the stones that weep dreams;
the earthquake birth of ravens;
the old madrone
who clothed the fox with her bark
so he would not be cold;
the star that seeded lilies.
And each was a marvel,
a touch of understanding,
a fresh new flash of light
in my soul.
We came to a cabin,
moons along the way,
filled with lost ideas
and empty pages.
I lit the candles,
read beneath the darkness,
and penciled meditations,
brief as lake-borne mist.
Collecting berries,
I played with long dead lyrics,
reciting little moments
to the wind.
One day you told me,
"This time is yours.
You can never really own it
while I remain."
And so you left,
assuring you'll return
when one day I am ready
to skim the stars.
In a list
Thoughts, Feelings, Interpretations, Experience:
Comments
1 - 32 of 32
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This was really quite good - maybe a bit longer than it needed to be, but you have some excellent images. "brief as lake-borne mist" is one of my favorites, and I also really like the little myths in there, about foxes and lilies and suchlike. The only thing I'll say is that some parts didn't seem as necessary as others, almost as if there's more here than one poem. I especially felt this in stanzas 7 through 10; maybe there's a way to condense those into fewer words or fewere stanzas. But anyways, I really did enjoy the read - you do have some great language.
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You grabbed hold of a wave here and rode it to its crest of that there is no doubt. I found this to be both riveting in parts as well as quizzical and questionable. There is such an intense amount of personal satisfaction and feelings of liberation to the mind and spirit when the ink flows so freely from our pen just as yours has here. I found this to be very engaging.
♥ Touchof1der -
This is a really brilliant poem and I only have a couple problems with it. Sometimes, when you use words like "emaciated" and "breadcrumb words" and "deeply rooted tears", they seem like they don't belong, however correctly or beautifully used I think they are. The length was also a bit bad; the pacing was uneven and made me have to consciously force myself to read. In contrast,
"I still remember.
I lived in decay,
the kind that can't be overcome
by strength or will"
is truly stunning. You're obviously an incredible poet, though this is not my favorite of poems. Good, none-the-less.
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You placed one hand
firm on my shoulder,
and my knees nearly buckled
from weakness.
I love this part... How often do we take a muse for granted and how many people don't believe in them.You put the muse in the habitat that most people believe they belong.. Nature!
Great write and thank you for sharing.
Poeticanjil -
Great
I liked the way you incorporated nature with your feeling and especially " "This time is yours. You can never really own it while I remain." great write
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***In all honesty, it didn't engage me.
***By way of suggestion:
***There are soo many pronouns in it- epsecially the personal pronoun "I." A lot of them could be cut without effecting the poem's meaning at all. It would also give the poem a more of stream of consciousness feeling, which seems to be what you are going for.
***You could cut a lot of words that seem to be just filler (to me) for example:
lured to the sound
of your lyric visions.
***this could be:
lured to your lyric visions.
***The word "lyric" implies sound.
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it's so interesting to me how some people will love a poem while others really dislike it. these actually are my favorite poems (of mine) because i get to see my own words from so many other angles, and reflect on various emotional reactions. this allows me to see the poem more from the reader's experience, giving me insights into the ways in which readers experience, or 'taste', the 'fruits' of a poem.
you of course are taking the minimalist approach and possibly feel all poems should be written a certain way, removing all 'superfluous' words, cutting out as many personal pronouns as possible, or even eradicating them entirely, etc. this is a school of thought i'm familiar with, and to which i adhere in some cases, depending on its suitability to the content at hand.
this is fine, but this poem isn't taking the minimalist nor the conservation of personal pronouns approach. it's taking a conversational reflective approach, and in conversation there are a lot of personal pronouns and in many cases overstated, repeated, and reclarified phrases and statements. this piece allows for them in order to bring these qualities out, yet also doesn't rigidly adhere to them as a fundamental principle or overall philosophy of poetry.
each poem is its own creature. there is no pure method that can be applied to the writing of all poetry. i invite you to poke around my work some to realize the extreme diversity of my approaches to poetry. you'll find that some of them adhere quite strictly to your favored school of thought.
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This free verse
was amazingly written and has some parts which strike me so much!!! i loved the way the flow, adn the imagery and the thoughts.. they are beautiful
this part catches my most attention
One day you told me,
"This time is yours.
You can never really own it
while I remain."
And so you left,
assuring you'll return
when one day I am ready
to skim the stars.
God bless -
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i'm glad you enjoyed this Mansoor. this was an interesting sort of experimental write for me.
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I'm really in love with the way you ended this piece, I cannot imagine a better ending. My mind wandered a bit through the middle of this piece, I think through the middle were some of the weaker parts of this. I think if maybe you either combined a few stanzas, or took one or two of them out all-together; then this piece would flow more freely and have a stronger impact because it would keep the readers attention throughout. I loved the stanza about watching sandcastles returning to the sea; it was a beautiful image that captured the emotion perfectly. I think you have quite a solid piece here already, with amazing metaphors and ideas and the only suggestion I could think to make was to shorten it up just a little bit to keep readers attentive. Other than that, I'm really in love with this, definatly going on my list of bookmarks : ). thanks for sharing it on here!
Amanda
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Out of the Mists of Time`...
comes the call of souls who guide souls ... the ancient stroll from Life to life to Life ...
We have our souls; our own. We have the memories shattered to recollect. We have our paths overgrown and almost lost, but awaiting our footsteps to walk it into existence once again. To return to the cabin. To fill pages of dreams.
I loved the timelessless to your words. Thank you.
Myra
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I figured I'd start with your free verse since it's what I'm most accustomed to writing and reading. I love the form of this.. free form tends to escape me, as do proper line breaks to enhance the flow, but I don't think that's a problem I'll run across in your work. The first stanza here opens it up with an emotional plea that immediately makes me sympathetic to the character in the piece (I never assume the poet IS the character). There are some instances that follow in which wordiness might be a little factor, and slows my involvement with the story you set before me. For instance, in the second stanza, you have: "the kind that can't be overcome by strength or will." The language here could appear tighter (though I'm not entirely sure what that would do to the form) if it appeared as "not undone by strength or will". To me, this reads tighter, but still keeps the essence of what you're trying to put across. As I said, though, this would interrupt the appearance of the poem on the page, which is a lovely element to this piece, so I can't honestly suggest how to work around that. The "we talked/I listened" stanzas are by far my favorite because that's where I felt I was eavesdropping the most and, let's face it, we all love to eavesdrop... it's why we read poetry in the first place. Because of those lines, I was able to relate to the characters and experience the moment more than in any other part of the poem. It's where, to me, you were most honest and real to the subject. In the final stanza, I had a problem with "assuring". So many people tell me to stay away from "-ing" words (which is a problem of mine), and I do think, in this instance, there might be a better substitute that wont interrupt the flow or appearance. Maybe "And so you left, promised to return, when one day I am ready to skim the stars"? The last line is stunning, and really shows the "infinity" in the story. As a reader, I definitely know it doesn't end here. As a matter of fact, kind of makes me expect a sequel some day
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i definitely hope there will be a sequel some day
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lured to sound
of your lyric visions.
These lines read awkwardly to me. Maybe if you changed the 'to' to 'by' and added 'the' (lured by the sound),
it would make more sense, at least to me.
I love your first two lines - they are absolutely guaranteed to draw in your reader. Actually, I love this whole poem. It's one of the best I've read since I came here a couple of months ago.
I did feel that the last stanza is a bit weak, compared to the rest of the poem.
I have to say, your imagery and metaphors are wonderful. I'm inspired by your piece. cq
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cq, that's a typo that somehow i failed noticing until you pointed it out to me. when i read it i read a 'the' into the line before 'sound'. now i'll update it so everyone else will, too.
yes and i agree that the final line is weak. i had trouble figuring out how to close this poem...
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Awesome. I felt like I was reading the rebirth of someone - finding themselves after a long illness, or coming out of a long depression. Finding themselves spiritually as well as physically - learning over again what joys there were in the simple things - collecting berries. Finding themselves - and knowing that there is more - when they are ready to face it. "when one day I am ready to skim the stars".
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This is what I term, "Out Of This World Poetry!", only because everthing about the spacing to your thoughts completes what any reasonable person would determine to be of awsomed originality!!!!
Great write with this 1! take care!
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Wow
This gave me chills! Utterly amazing. Every once and awhile the lucky are sent a weathered sage to subtly guide them to the right path. Many overlook the gift they've been given and fail to hear the message of reassurance and guidance. This poem embraced the search for truth we all encounter and the joy received through understanding.
I cannot give you enough praise. Outstanding.
Simpatia
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hi sim,
glad you enjoyed this poem. it came out of my struggle with a certain lack of inspiration to write lately, and feeling that everything i write is feeble and trite. hopefully i'll pull through the lull before too long.
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clap
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i expected "it was you who called me [here]", though I dunno about the repetition with "wait for you here" in the 1st line, I rather like it better in the 3rd line instead.
"I trust..." this feels vague and I don't get a strong image of *where* you are waiting...
"I still remember." - too short of a sentence for me, it feels very emotive but I don't know what to feel. I think this stanza could be simplified, perhaps to something like "My life decays slowly / a process that I can't overcome / by strength or will".
", emaciated, " the commas make it feel like it's jsut an adjective thrown in for good effect... make it active!
Great emotive qualtiy in this, though I found the halts and periods hard to read. Looks like you're mostly following a form, but the short period-terminated sentences didn't work well for me.
Good work and, good luck! -
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hey kev,
this poem is written to be vague, so a certain lack of location and ambiguity of presence is intended. probably won't work for all readers, but it has for some.
thanks for your solid feedback. it's appreciated.
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A religious experience!
Overall, the poem achieves the intimacy of shared emotion to which we all aspire, and it is a great read. Though I can't decide whether it is a divine rescue or a more human one, it doesn't matter as the impact is nearly the same for some in such a desperate (spiritual or temporal) place. This is just a quick first impression - my comments on the form and language will have to wait, as I am being asked to log off! steve
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hi Impulse,
enjoyed your thoughts. suzeecue's second comment has the original idea behind the write pretty well spot on. but consider reading her first comment, too, since doing so lets you see how one person's interpretive experience with a poem can evolve and shift with each read.
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huh
sad, depressing, yet a slight look of light
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uhmm
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to skim the stars...
I feel like this sometimes..."built castles of sand and watched them return to the sea"...I love that line the most...probably because that is the line that speaks to me...is seems to me that the writer or the character is speaking to their inspiration..not just in writing but in life in general..that seems like an odd thought.."an inspiration in life" or more odd.."for life" to have an inspiration for life is like when you feel like there is actually a reason to get up before the sun with a ringer in your ear...and you don't have to throw the ringer against the wall...lol...Well thank you for the triggered thoughts and feel free to muse out loud more often mr. thomas..
Kay L. Anders
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I admire the innovative and imaginative talent that I see busy at work here. It's always a pleasure to view firsthand the productive formulation of another's thought processes put into work. I appreciate the opportunity to savor your work here at Allpoetry.
♥ Touchof1der
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:-)
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wow powerful, thought- provoking and from the heart. Lot of imagery here. It was so original and metaphorically inclined,if that is a word. great job. Can you give me feedback onmy poem Never give up.
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Every once in a while a light bulb goes off in my head and I have to smack my self and say ahhhh I think Ive figured it out. Well that just happened after reading this poem again lol. I see your muse helping you out of a slump, poetic maybe? As we all know our muses come and go, and sometimes it seems like they are very far away from us when we need them the most, however eventually they will return and enlighten us with beautiful words. I still see what I said in the above comment however this just came to me. I guess that is what is great aboput your poems, you can read them once and see one thing, and read them again a little while later and see something totoaly different lol. Ok just wanted to add this
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This gives me the feeling of some one who was lost, and maybe a spiritual guide helped you find your way. Or maybe this is about someone who is listening to his inner voice, trying to help you dig your way up from the bottom of dispair to see the light, and to finally be able to trust himself or even somoneone else again. The begining stanzas has a hint of mistrust, wondering if it is possible to believe that there is actually a light at the end of the tunnel so to speak, like the path covered in shrubs weaved with posion oak. But then the stanzas change as you begin to trust a little. I liked the refrence to bread crumb words in the 12th stanza, it reminded me of the fairy tale where they dropped breadcrumbs along the path so they could find their way back. It gives the poem a feeling of a child you and hints of the adult you fighting this battle together. I guess we all have our own way of fighting back from the wrongs that have happened to us in the past, luckily we have a little help along the way, wether it be spiritualy, or on our own accord. Erin as usual I love this poem....
Take Care,
Suzanne
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