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Trifold Existence

i. - First Wings

pure innocence,
enter the devil
disguised in wool fiber

mind
inhibitions wane
smelling dusty trace

crash test
train of consequence
eliminates the weak

down drug
determination
somehow finding free




ii. - The Missing Years

bottled
brain lobotomy

so to speak soul
separation

rewind
to past frustrations
or
fast forward to regret?

a pause
reflecting flaws incurred
at birth
I
wonder of the soon




iii. - Regeneration?

now is come
and energies
find focus in relapse

new day
dawn upon
the gentle soul inside

life to live
living like tomorrows end

is never known;
of
undetermined fate

someday

I will grieve
trifold existence.




A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5
  • Melissa Gayle gold member
    May 6, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Your use of alliteration adds that extra step to this piece. I believe your short lines worked well and allowed the flow a very just feel - I would have liked a stronger ending, but that said, we can't always choose can we.

    Very well done.


  • windhover3 gold member
    May 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    The overall ideational development here is really good. the structure of three to reimagine a life works really well- not sure you've reached the point where you're walking on three legs in the old sphinx riddle yet, but beginnings, struggle and rejuvenation are virtually universal.

    I thought the short-line indeterminancy worked really well in the first section. A fledgling goes through fits and starts. In the second section, though, the tone continues without a transition... it seemed to me that longer lines that end without resolution would have captured a maturity confounded by loss a bit better. That sort of thing is pretty personal, though.

    I didn't really get the final resolution. Relapse usually refers to falling back into bad behaviors, but that wasn't the intent here, I thought, we have dawn, the new day and energies. But then the final couplet. Whereas it seemed you were celebrating or at least welcoming this new enlivenment, the final couplet seems to suggest the opposite; you grieve the three part life as if you'd prefer to have stopped at two. Even if you're intent is to show looming difficulties from that second stage coming back, ending on that note diminishes the power of the poem for me.

    Overall, though, the poem works to capture the flow of a life.

    Brian


    • sheltered
      May 4, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for your comment. This is just what flowed from my honest thoughts. If somehow the ending diminished the poem I guess it diminishes my life too... Lol. Now that's something I should think about.


  • Floorboards
    April 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    excellent

    this is excellent sheltered, very unique, i'm very impressed with this pal, i think you're on a roll,
    well done and best of luck in the contest,
    Alex.

1 - 5 of 5