We are titans in the wasteland
Damned by the ruling gods
Banished from an Eden's bounty
To till the land and break the clods
We have lived a thousand lives
And borne for each a doom
We have danced through the sepulchres
And slept in the blackened wombs
But not even immortals live forever
And time herself must die
So my sweet let's not wait for never
And love amongst our lies
So lace up the dancing shoes
And sheath the shining swords
For we have a second to celebrate
And a mind's eternity for war....
Author notes
2007RC060.
A contest entry
- The Raven Contest: Uncovering Genius in the Written Word by Raven Contest.
14500 points, ended October 1, 2007, 53 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
There was only one part of this entry that I felt was not up to par with the overall feel and skill of the writing in the poem. The line "and let our psyches fly" is a bit ordinary and, perhaps, the unfortunate byproduct of the otherwise impeccably executed rhyme found throughout the remainder of the text. I would encourage you to clean up this one area because otherwise the piece is wonderful (just as an aside on spelling, clods should be clouds, no?).
Your piece is a thought provoking take on the human machine and I throughly enjoyed it both for its content and readability.
Thank you for your entry,
~Das -
It clearly not a quick read. It take time to reread and think upon your words.Reference to Eden can be religious in nature or based on a myth.I think Titans refer to the human race and what we take for granted ever day. That made kind in a race of self destruction. If they do not change there ways it surely will happen. Our thirst for greed and power or maybe it the God complex. Someone want to be in control. I wish we could all play nicely together. I like your words images and use of words to create a strong picture. This is how I took you words to mean. Very well wrote,form is good.
I truly wish you the very best in the final round -
grim
but joy is derived from the moment
nice play with Totans and Gods
and clods -
In my opinion this poem portrays very clearly how we take time for granted and think we can delay doing things, especially putting right the bad things that we’ve done. As the human race spends far too much time on greed and war, each person or nation trying to take what they can, we spend too little time on giving and sharing, helping other out who are less fortunate. It’s sometimes man’s fault that there are less fortunate people in the first place. This poem suggests to me, that we should see how brief our time is in this world and spend it productively to make it better place to live in. Other readers may interpret it differently of course.
I feel the religious links in this poem have been used to reinforce the enormity of the issue and as such add strength to it. The rhyme is fine in all stanzas but the concluding one where “swords” and “war” are a little forced. The content is inclusive and gives the reader cause to think further on the discussed topic.
Congratulations on reaching the final round of the Raven Contest 2007 and good luck with this entry.
Northern Raven
Adding your comment:
