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Pale Enchant

I need you to be here
For im enchanted again
Your pale shadow embracing me
And your soft halo arround me
Godess i want you to be mine
For you haunt me all the time
Pour yourself into me once again
Your leftovers are what i need
For only i glance to you in a mirror
And thats enough to be witched
I weep a silver drop on my hands
And i give it to you, my lover
Through hell i've walked
To keep you safe from myself

Author notes

i might have used more than one rose, but i tried to focus on the lavander one, its so pretty..

A contest entry

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Comments


  • Never Fall in Love
    April 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is a really strong Poem
    Great job
    Though, I'd have to warn you about your capitalization
    It is needed, and I really don't want to disqualify this
    and, I believe it is *weep* .. not *weap*
    You could use some more imagery in this poem
    seeing that it is free verse, you need a beat somewhere
    work on this, I wish you luck to fix this
    Good Luck in the contest

    NeveR ♥


    • Domine Pestilentia
      April 18, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      i guess the capitalization is correct now?
      i changed the weap as well, sorry.. my english is not good since my native lenguage is spanish.
      and for the last two things you said.. i dont feel like free verse needs a beat or anything, thats why its free.
      and the imaginery, i can see it quite clearly, maybe its just me.
      i dont want to change the other things becouse this is perfect to me, and i dont want to ruin it for making it better for the contest, sorry.
      tell me if there's another mistake of spelling, capitalization or anything.


  • NickN
    April 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I'm glad that someone finally grasped the part where you tell us what rose you use. It's fine that you used more than one as well, because so many emotions can be factored in. Your piece is a free verse with inconsistant syllables for each line and it lacks the imagery that a free verse should have. I'd like to see a revised version of this. Work on it before the contest is over and make it better. Paint me a picture and use your emotions as the paintbrush. Hope to see a work of art soon.

    -Nick