She smiled that rare smile
Normally in denial
Her friends all saw the change
In her own eyes this was strange
This boy grabbed her heart
No wish to tear her apart
Before this began to phase her
She discontinued use of her razer
She felt everything go into place
Her old life vanished with barely a trace
He became a normal part of her life
Until he stabbed her heart with a knife
He was with another girl
Her head was in a whirl
The lies he told
Now starting to grow old
He turned and walked away
Acting as if it was okay
She was breaking down inside
Makeup unable to hide when shes cried
Alone in the hallways
Rarely talking now-a-days
She knew her heart was broken
And he took a piece as a tolken
Her friends dont understand
She can't get back up on land
Writes depressing songs
When it's true love she longs
A contest entry
- Best of the Best by Sapphire Rose.
600 points, ended May 21, 2007, 50 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me Your Best!!! by KnightOfTheRose.
425 points, ended May 25, 2007, 135 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ANY THING by serenity silvermoon.
430 points, ended May 10, 2007, 145 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options, Options, Options!!!!! U know u wana take a looky!! by ForgottenMemories.
550 points, ended May 25, 2007, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options...with a challenge. by Jai Guru Deva.
450 points, ended May 9, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Corrections? Comments?
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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the rhyming was too forced...and it's just too high school for me. it's as if some little freshman wrote it to think she was cool and could write. i liked some of your imagery, but that's it.
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i am in highschool
and i am a freshman
but i wasnt trying to be cool, thats overrated.
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This is wounderful. It's very close to what i like to right. You are very talented. ^_^
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wow i can totally relate its amazing i get goosebumps cause i understand.. i think its great .. good job chick good job peac
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this is good. "Writes depressing songs, When it's true love she longs" very touching line. It makes people feel your pain.
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the thought behind this piece is wonderful, but it would be a much better poem if you didn't try so hard to rhyme. the rhyming scheme detracts from the power of the poem. I suggest you try to rewrite it without concerning yourself over rhyming (the forced nature of the rhyme in this piece makes the reader concentrate on it too much, to the detriment of the work) i think if you try it, you'll find the ideas flow much better in a free verse.
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There is a lot of depth of emothion with this piece but I feel the rhyme kind of takes awy from the power and message behind it. In oarts it feels a little, forced, like you have put a line in merely to get a word to rhyme with another. I'm not saying this is a bad piece, because its not. It raises true life issues that I know many on this site feel but looking at it as an outsider, from a readers point of view I feel that maybe trying to write it as free verse or looking at another rhyme scheme might just strengthen it all the more.
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