Caricature of a Girl

I'm scared of stupid things, like moths and dark parking lots. Clowns creep me out and glass always finds it's way into my feet. I think that I'm in love with every guy who makes me laugh, and think I feel things that I'm not too sure if I feel or not.I am obvious about everything I do. If I like you, I'm obvious, though I try so hard not to be. I like putting pretty words and metaphors infront of who I am to mask myself, and I like to think that someday I'll be remembered for something. I detest food and like to pretend that I love it, because I'd rather die then have people look at me like I am something different. Something scarred. I laugh at people who I don't understand, and am horribly mean to everyone I care about. It's like I think that by closing off my true self and putting up these pretentious walls, people will like me better. I'm constantly staring at people and thinking "If I could be like that, everyone would like me more." I'm at a loss for my feelings. I'll say that I love somebody, but in the back of my mind I'll be screaming "Why do you love them?" and I won't be able to answer myself. I dress according to who I'm around, and pretend that I know things that I really don't know. "You know that time I told you about so-and-so and we went to blah-blah-blah and got in a fight over this-or-that?" "Oh yeahhhh." I really have no idea what you're talking about. I have no self control whatsoever and feel sick of myself every single time I do something I swore I wouldn't do. I hate people talking about me, and if I hear that somebody said something, I'll be too scared to bring it up, and confront them about it, and then I'll smack myself for not having the guts to speak up. I wish I could sing, I wish I could remember things and dance better, I wish I could start something and finish it instead of stopping half-way and being at a loss. I tread tentatively around my family and friends, whispering half-truths about why I'm mad, what I'm feeling, who made me break down and cry. I get addicted to things (like coffee and music) in a day if I want to. If I hear someone say "Oooh, I'm so addicted to ___" or "She always has that brand of gum/makeup/cigarettes in her bag." I decide somewhere in the back of my mind, that I want to be addicted to something. I want to be known for always having Camel Red Lights, or always chewing Winter Fresh gum. Somewhere I think that I'll be accepted more. I'll be something better then just being plain old me. Boring becca. Who can't do anything right, but pretends that she can. Like dance. Advanced class? Pft. What's that? It's just a fancy title for "I fake every move I make in dance and pretend that I know what I'm doing, but really I'm just fumbling my feet along and making it look like I'm doing it right."  I wish that I could wakeup one morning and be 20 pounds lighter. I wish I could wake up with a perfect complexion and the perfect hair. But this is no different then what every single other girls wants. What girl doesn't want the perfect skin, the perfect body, the perfect hair? No one. I'm so terribly typical that it sickens me. I want to be typical. I want the cell phone and the clothes. I want the ipod and the shoes. The music, the boyfriend, the curfew that I can complain about. I want the 'tight' circle of best friends and the stupid girly things to fret about. I want to fall completely, utterly, entirely, and fantastically in love, just so I can feel the things "normal" girls feel. Because I don't feel normal. I don't feel like I can walk into a social circle and be completely at ease. I'm always worrying about what other people are thinking about me. "Does my hair look allright? Are they staring at my eye shadow? I should've worn a different shirt. I look like a slut. These shoes are too pointy. I bet they're thinking about how ugly they are. Look how together she looks. Look how perfect she is. Why can't I be like that?" I wish I was one of those girls who could be so perfectly comfortable with who they are and how they look. And yet, I remember three years ago, just three years, thinking how I would never be one of those girls. I'd never be the girl that orders a salad instead of a steak, a water instead of a soda. I'd never dress to impress a boy, and I'd never try to sacrifice who I am for what they want me to be. But look how that turned out. I no longer know who I really am. I no longer know what my favorite kind of music is, or what I like to drink. I don't know if I really like coffee or if I really hate beer. I don't know what my favorite color is. I don't know who controls my heart, or who I just feel like I "love" because it's expected of me. It's expected that I fall for the boy who makes me feel special just because he calls me pretty and says he misses me. He expects me to be completely head-over-heels for him. He knows that he can make me fall, he knows that he controls me. He knows I can't resist his words. You want to know why? Because he knows that I am the typical girl.He knows that every girl who he's said those things to have fallen for him. He knew he could make me fall. And I hate that. I hate people expecting me to do things and turning out right.

On a different note...I love feelings. I love feeling like I can fly if I jump out a window. I love feeling so perfect and so wanted. To tell you the truth, I've never felt like somebody has honestly needed me. No one has ever told me that they "Need me around". Nobody has ever said "I don't know what I'd do without you" to me. I want that. I want to feel needed. I want to feel like if I wasn't around somebody would crumble. That somebody would cry and not know where to go with their life. That somebody wouldn't be able to eat, and that somebody would sit there with their head in the hands whispering "I can't believe she's not coming back." Maybe it's selfish of me. To want somebody to care that much. To want someone to feel for me so strongly. To want somebody to need me, just because I'm me. Not somebody to need me because of what I seemed to be, or what I wanted to be. Not somebody who needs me because of what I could be. But somebody who needs me because of what I already am. And someone who will help me figure out who that is. The only things I'm sure about in my life?
1) I like my hair.
2) I honestly love the people in my life.
&
3)I'm worthless.

And that's who I am. I'm worthless. I'm not saying this as a pity call. I'm not saying it to get attention, or to make you feel sorry for me. I'm not even saying it to feel sorry for myself. I'm just stating the obvious. Because honestly, what am I worth? If I can't see it myself, how can anybody else see it? If I can't see it myself, it must be true. On this day, that's who I am. I'm not saying it won't change. I'm not saying I'll always be worthless, because maybe one day I'll be worth something. Maybe one day I'll wake up and do something right, but for right now, I'm just...that. For right now, I'm just worthless..

And there you go. Thank you for making me look inside myself, thank you for making me figure out who I am at this moment. Love you.
<3