A horrific moment has struck the city
with mortifying shock from all below,
the planes overhead never took pity,
at the controls were not friends but foe.
The towers lost all chances of hope
as they were hit with such force,
not knowing how they would ever cope
as the towers fell to the devils source.
People stood motionless as the giants were falling,
some with no idea where they would run.
As people around started quickly calling
somewhere, somehow, and in touch with someone.
Many souls had been badly hurt
and signs of hope were starting to stray.
As well, police and firefighters were beneath that dirt,
adding to the start of that saddening day.
It was so hard to see in front of your face,
with all the plumes of dirt and dust.
As everyone around was in a furious race
and knew, whatever they could do, they must.
The streets seemed covered in a blanket of fleece,
and the city’s alleys echoed with sounds,
as even more to arrive, were all the firemen and police,
looking through the rubble and mounds.
Pain and death continued its rage
as the Pentagon took its turn,
all the people in that flying steel cage,
along side the building they burn.
However, before the tide spread to another,
the ones at on flight 93 had a thought,
banning together as brother to brother,
to their foreseeable death, they fought.
Nations combined and contributed their aid,
sending supplies, people, and anything they could.
Thousands of donations many had made
to help and do what they could.
We can rebuild our cities
and hold our heads up high,
Always telling our enemies
That this nation will never die!
Author notes
There is a thin line between sanity and survival instinct in day to day life. Most of us tend to not think of the worst as must but, it sits there all the time.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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workable
ello loovie, i've been off for a while, i like the thought but it lacks your voice. good imagery, and a horrible day. you put one in the moment almost.
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Good effort, great spirit!
This is an advice I got from D P Robertson of AP: limit use of articles as much as possible.
I can see you put lots of effort in writing this poem, and I applaud that. However, try to follow a strict discipline in meter (stick to 10--which is standard, or 9 or 11, as long as it is consistent) and use words more judiciously so that they fit right AND rhyme. Don't let your words be merely fillers so that the line can rhyme and be consistent with meter. I am sure this poem will feel and sound more natural if you let it say what it has to say. If it turns out that words don't rhyme, or you can no longer follow a strict meter, then so be it. Personally, I feel that it would be an injustice to the poem if you compromise its soul with formalistic restrictions. There are poems that want to be structured, and there are poems that want to be left alone to wander. Your task is to mold the lump of words into a coherent form--whether an orderly shape or otherwise--but one that still retains a sense of wholeness--nothing loose or hanging.
Set the spirit of your words free. Get a solid grip on the potential emotions of this piece and try to amplify it, to make a more powerful statement.
Lastly, thank you for entering this piece in my contest.
Sincerely,
abernaith
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THIS IS NOT THE JUDGE'S FINAL COMMENT...
Hi. Thank you for this entry. Please note that this is not my final comment on your work. I would just like to tell you that your are welcome to edit your work further, i.e. its technical aspects like spelling and grammar. You can do so until the contest officially closes. Give it your best shot! Thanks again.
-abernaith -
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Spelling and Grammer has been checked and corrected. Thanks for your advice.
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