Sloven teens alone in a dark room
(the diamonds of the future)
radiate a blue aura,
accentuating a hunched silhouette.
Connecting to disconnection,
they sign on to sign off.
Joining the network of millions,
trapped in an intricate web
of disease and predation.
Socially regressing to no more than coal,
secluded in mother earth’s womb.
Hiding, from the vulgar realities
of terror and paranoia,
behind a created persona.
An epidemic of apathy,
spreading like wild fire
the cloaks of hermeticism.
The age of disconnection is at hand,
yet people are more connected than ever.
The beauty of the “chat and a handshake”
is lost in the void of electrical formalities.
Fingers dance the loneliest jig,
tap-tapping conversations.
Expressing little petulances
concerning boredom and futility
in awe-full, glittering profiles-
painted to perfection.
They’re left empty,
feeling significantly insignificant.
A contest entry
- No Title: Just Come Have a Look by I-Am-Custard.
900 points, ended July 5, 2007, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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This is lovely, you obviously have a very wide vocabulary and put a lot of thought into the topic you addressed (which I found very interesting).
I find though, in this poem, a distinct lack of poetic devices, and as a result this doesn't really read like a poem, more a poetically delivered speech about the 'youth of today'...
Perhaps with some subtle rhyming and some alliteration (the beginnings of which I can spot already) this would be remedied.
You structured and punctuated this very well, and as I said it is very well thought out, just a few minor changes would improve this to no end concerning it's 'feel'.
I hope you choose to edit, it would take surprisingly little work to make this amazing. -
Congratulations of the gold. This is certainly a timely piece and speaks well to the astrangement that technology has enabled in our society. Very creative. I love the title
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Such truth in this.
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Isn't that the truth? The last line was so vivid. Like I could touch it. I know what it's like to be in the position of being 'in love' with my online friends. It's crazy. (not to mention I'm on a computer right now. Weird...)
The title, since the little comment hint asked, goes well with the piece. While one would expect 'connection', disconnection works better. It paints a better picture of how being 'connected' online is equavalent to being 'disconnected' in life.
Opposites attract huh.
Thanks for using correct puncuation. It helps alot in the way of reading.
-Faithful Dreamer
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