Memoirs 1

I never thought I'd be here again.
Right back where I started.
My heart is so torn right now...my emotions are all out of whack and I'm confused.

I remember when he used to tell me his thought process behind his decisions...but now I just don't get him...
After the fight...he said break...we're on a break.

But he treated me so badly...I couldn't take it. After all we'd done and been through he could treat me like that...like I was any other girl...like I was nothing but an annoyance.

I pushed it...and he gets mad and tells me it's over...we're done.

So I think, "Alright, well at least I don't have to sit around and wait for him any longer. I'm free to find someone new. But...I didn't drop it like he'd asked...I feel bad for that...I'll ask his friendship."

After school...I offer him my friendship. What does he do? He throws it in my face. Treats me like I've done something unforgivable...tells me to go back to where I came from...so he doesn't have to remember our now tainted memories.

I cry a little...but for the most part...relieved...now I can work on moving on...I even found a guy I'm interested in.

The next morning, Halloween. I'm an angel (Who can resist a girl with wings?). I've decided not to talk to him...to act like he's not there at all. That's what he wanted, right? I laugh with his group of friends...they're nice...and I can't find any of my other friends...but then I get a little tap on my shoulder. It's him.

"Can we be friends?" he asks.
"Sure."
We hug.
He walks me to my classes.
He's acting...nicer.
By the end of the day...I decide to ask him if we could possibly be on a break again?
He says...no.
I say okay.

This morning...I walk up...put my stuff down...stand there...trying to start 'friendly' conversation.
He wants a hug...so I give him one.
He wants me to sit...I do.
He's says he's sick...which starts a harmless conversation...I say what I think a girl would say to a boy friend.
He leans his head on my shoulder..."Your comfy," he says.
Awkward...I feel awkward...this isn't 'friend' behavior...not for him.
Finally he asks if we can be on a break again.
I say sure.

The rest of the day consists of lingering hugs...kisses on the forehead...his arms around my waist...
and me feeling awkward...

This is what I wanted isn't it?
Sure...before he said all those things...

I had nothing to be sad about...today was good.

But I came home...and thought about...

When I was trying just to get him to treat me like I mattered...
He just kept telling me to go away...that I was embarrassing him...
But the part that got me crying...

I remember I was just trying to get an explanation as to why he was acting this way...
and said, "I gave my body to you...and you gave yours to me..."
His reply was, "That was a mistake."

A mistake.

That night I showed you all of me...you swore to God you'ld never leave me...you'ld never hurt me again...
Look what you've done...

I mean last time...he told me..."It's just skin."

Like my body meant nothing...I'm just a worthless good time or something...

Everytime I think about I start bawling...
How could someone do that?
He said...so many things...I thought this time they'd stay true...but they didn't.
If we did get back together...how am I going to trust him again?
He had JUST gained my full trust...

I remember the day we got in that fight...I held up my hand and said, "You gave me this ring! You asked me to marry you!"

All he said to that was, "It's fake!"

Well I guess it was...everything he said...looking at my last post...it's like a dream now...

The last thing he said to me today was...I love you.