Colors of Gray

I keep thinking back to the me I once was
To the me I still wish I could be
I keep breaking bondage and I don't want to lie
But I think if I'm truthful I might run  from me

The real me
Is never what you think
The real me
Is something you can break
I just keep on a strait face to remind me
They can't read me

I am never up to standards
I'm liar and an unanswered lie
A problem like a dancer
who just can't move to dances
I am me

There are so many things
that they say I can be
but what they don't know is how well I pretend
I think too many questions
And I give most of them to me
as a gift of the affliction
My insecurity

I sway to my own beat
and I dance with them so alike
I am million contradictions
I am roller coaster ride

You say you want to know me
but you say you want to live
You can't pick both it's one or the other
I'm telling the truth my friend

I laugh when I'm angry because I can't seem to cry
I sit by my window sobbing
I couldn't stop to save my life
I am fate in it's worst form
I am death and I am life
I am the darkness in the shadows
that just wants to stay and hide

You tell me I am so precious
So cool and so alive
But I am misunderstanding each word
That you said just get me by

I am an opinionated poet
I will always just agree
I need to please everyone
I need to disagree
I want to be my own girl
Just a leaf far from the tree
But when alone I feel so damn angry
Like the waves tossed in the sea

There are still so many ideas that will never be on my lips
But there are still so many other things
that could have brought me to this
You tell me I look like a doll
All dressed up to impress
I reek of the dinner I just purged
and the perfume I sprayed on my dress

I am a lover who feels no love
For the one thing she loves the most
I hate everything about him
but I just want him to hold me close
When I'm scared and scarred and beaten
I want you to leave me alone
But as soon as I scream in your face
I'll want you take me home

I wish I could describe me with better accuracy
But I'm pretty and I'm ugly
And no one would bother to disagree
I wish I was so many things that it doesn't even show
When I walk so confidently into a room
And look for a place where I can choke

Maybe one day I will be
a picture perfect girl
but for right now I will live
in my condescending world
I am happy with my misery
I think it is my friend
So I will walk a little further and pray to see the end
I wish this would just keep going
It's just my personality
I wish I could stop typing out my pleasant insanity