AUSTRALIA – NOT an Entry!
Now, just across the Tasman Sea’s a country we call OZ.
It’s really named Australia but we call it OZ becoz…..
It teems with ‘roos and wallabies as well as Ozzie ockers
an’ it’s also full of sheilas with first-rate fantastic knockers.
They also have an anthem called “Advance Australia Fair”
which they sing at rugby matches an’ Olympics everywhere.
It’s a reasonable ditty but it does go on and on
an’ we think “Waltzing Matilda” is a far superior song.
OZ was founded first by Britain as a penal colony
where they shipped the worst no-hopers off to swelter in Seednee
an’ there they built a Harbour Bridge an' Opera House quite fine
an’ developed a new language no-one understands, called “strine”.
It takes a lot to learn and understand the Ozzie lingo;
if you go round speaking English you’ll be called a “bloody drongo”.
The national drink is “tinnies” which is cans of freezin’ beer
that seriously undermined their cricket skills this year.
There are other Ozzie landmarks like Uluru, called “Ayers Rock”
and the Snowy River Hydro where the Wogs (or tourists) flock
to the highest Mount, Kosciuszko, which is really just a hill,
though it’s steep enough for many smart-arse skiers to take a spill.
“The Man from Snowy River” by a dinkum ozzie poet
whose name was Banjo Paterson (I’m sure most people know it).
who made Bush Ballads famous: “Clancy of the Overflow”
and “The Road to Gundagai” are ones you surely oughter know.
But I won’t get sidetracked writing about Ozzie poetry
‘coz Australia’s full of wonders for the traveller to see,
from the arid, treeless deserts an’ the endless outback reaches
to the mighty river stretches an’ the teeming topless beaches.
She’s a really mighty Continent, surrounded by the sea
where nude bathing is permitted with select propriety,
but, while you’re swimming, always keep a watch an’ stay alert
for the bites of sharks and stings of jelly fish can really hurt!
If you venture far afield into the Northern Territ’ry
there’s a lot of native wildlife that they’ll let you see for free
but, in an outback grub shop, don’t forget to tip the waiter
an’ be careful that you don’t end up inside an alligator!
There are many natural hazards against which you should be warned
such as snakes an’ poisonous spiders. (Don’t pet lizards that are horned!)
Koala bears and platypuses generally won’t harm,
but baby-eating dingoes have been known to cause alarm!
If you want to savour some of Sydney’s really wild night-life,
you must see ‘The Cross’ before you die (but do not take your wife!)
Or the host of one-armed bandits that will take your ready cash
in the myriad of night clubs if you want to have a bash.
There are ethnic restaurants of great variety to please
the gourmet connoisseur (some also offering strip-tease!)
or Broadway ‘stravaganzas with a lot of lights an’ noise,
or jus’ prop up a bar and down a few pints with ‘the boys’.
There are red-light districts flourishing in every town an’ city;
in most states they are legal; if they’re not that’s just a pity.
They’re mainly for the tourists who’ll pay plenty to get laid
an’ it helps to keep the rates down in a place like Adelaide.
An’, talking about tourists, I must mention Queensland’s boast
that, of all the Ozzie tourist spots, none beats their famed “Gold Coast”
an’, as well, the natural attraction of “Great Barrier Reef”
where a lot of drongo scuba divers often come to grief.
There’s an island off the southern coast of Oz that’s called Tasmania
where the climate’s like New Zealand, so inhabitants are brainier.
I don’t mean that the mainland ozzie ockers all are drongos
but, if the cap fits….well, I think you all know how the song goes?
As I’ve said, there’s bonza sheilas an’ sex almost anywhere,
but the average ozzie male’s main interest’s rugby, racing, beer,
an’ chillin’ out with mates who help each other to get pissed
though, amazingly, producing the odd rocket scientist!
Before I end this lengthy but (I hope) instructive rhyme,
I must mention that the Ozzie railways sometimes run on time!
The greatest railroad journeys are: the Indian Pacific
which runs to Perth from Sydney, or east/west to be specific,
and the north/south Ghan to Darwin/Alice Springs from Adelaide
a trip which, since 2003, twice weekly has been made.
You can fly in all directions ‘cross the vast Oz countryside
but you’ll see far more an' just adore an Ozzie Great Train-Ride.
I hope that these few words of mine will give you some idea
of why the true blue Ozzies sing: “Advance Australia Fair.”
‘Ow’r yer goin’ Mate?
Hugh R. April 15th. 2007.
In a list
A contest entry
- ONLY FOR MEMBERS OF HUGH WYLES' FAVOURITES GROUP by huguenauties.
750 points, ended April 27, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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We always learn something new by reading your poems dad
Lots of details in a very pleasant read.
Thanks for the tour around Australia
Sorry for the short comment, but can't stay here for too long
Besos de tu hija
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Outstanding
I think you have outdone yourself with this irreverent and encyclopedic guide to the great continent of down-unda. If I am correct, the crocodilians are actually crocodiles not alligators, though you may claim poetic licence. 
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Dear Babe,
I don't know how I missed this wonderful entry. Australia has a lot of places to visit. Especially "The Cross" Did Heath tell you I'm allowing him to go to see it? YUP, A/J, Jen and I are gonna see a Male stripper show at Checkers, Heath will have dinner with us before the show, then he can trot himself off to "The Cross"
I see you had a great experience there. Seeing Crocodile Dundee no less. As long as Heath looks, but no touchee it'll be fine.
Love Hine.
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Where does it say that? A bit of language, but no Porn! GOT IT!
Rule 3. Swearing is allowed but nothing vulgar.
What Hugh has written is not real porn. Jen -
I just noticed that one of the categories is pornography, lol. I'm going to out everything I write in that category from now on.
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Another very educationl poem..I have learned a great deal about Australia reading your poetry on the subject...Thank you...
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excellent~
This is an excellent poem on Australia
I didn't even know we had a new contest going on until now..will have to see how I am feeling da...
Best of luck in the contest...
This looks like a winner to me
Hugs
Susan~~~
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Wonderfully written
Dear Hugh,
I love your poem you have written about our country. You have captured the typical Aussie perfectly, I have ancestor's who came out from England on convict ships, some for just stealing a loaf of bread to feed their families.
My Brother John has been researching our Ancestor's and has come up with Royalty. WOW! it's very interesting believe me.
Your description of our culture and tourist attractions is fantastic. I LOVE IT!
Beautifully written my friend.
From your proud Aussie buddy.
Love Bea
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Fair dinkum mate!!!
I love this masterpiece of the Land of Oz. Makes me homesick for the place and then again I'm glad to be in the good ol' USA eh! Hugh, you are a marvel yourself.
Lots of applause and much love and hugs,
Petratani
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Yeah, Yem!
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I had an online friend on another writing site that wrote and spoke about Australia and I was even invited to visit, which was nice of the person. You've reminded me that I need to send a hello.
Sounds like an intriguing place to visit...a precarious one to live in. I'm getting me some bologna and I'm gonna feed me some dingoes!
Do you think I could beat a Wallaby in a hot dog eating contest?
Should I trust a Koala?...anything that cute is up to something.
I wonder if Jenelda, Angelica or the other Aussies in your group know Crocodile Dundee?
How do you spell dijareedoo?
Do the Aborigine really have boomerangs, or is that just some big story?
Is Olivia Newton John really as annoying as she seems?
Why would anyone put shrimp on a Barbie? that seems an odd way to dress up a doll.
Maybe Jenedla knows the answers.
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this is a real corker
Dear Hugh,
Your description of Ozzie land is beaut mate, in fact it's a real corker.
Yeah, most but not all aussie males are like you describe. The shiela's are putting their foot down and the men have to do their share of the chores, under duress of course. But there are still those who think a "Womans place is in the kitchen and keep them bare foot and pregnant."
I've been to the "Cross" to have a Captain Cook (look)
but never to work.
And have only been to Sydney and Melbourne, but I must rectify that and travel more around our beautiful country.
thankyou for your NON entry into our contest.
love Jen.
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LOL.... this was superbly written my dear friend... so much fun... nearly fell of my chair whilst reading the part about the auzzy males........ Always wanted to go to Auz and maybe i will some day u never know... thanks for sharing
Hugs and love Linda XXXXXXXXXX -
I've always wanted to visit Australia, even wanted to live there, and you've made it sound very enticing You've covered just about everything, and even better than a travel brochure (they don't even tell you about the some of the things you've mentioned in this extraordinary poem)
Thanks for getting us off to a good start with this contest
Dee
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This was great! You are taking the reader on a long, really interesting and also quite funny journey. Reading never got boring here, the rhyming was great.
I enjoyed learning about Australia!
Thanks for sharing,
Keep up the great work!
Annie
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I love this!lol great write,Im just over the ditch.
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