I'm a prisoner in my own mind
Holding me down with the locks and chains
Binding me to the darkness
Which is hard just to see the light
Hard just get a breath in
The uphill battle
Which I repeatedly lose
Get back up just to fell right back down
I'm the only one who can fight this
This the enemy I created
Lose inside of my own mind
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Crimson's right, I would've said all that. I like the wording of 'This the enemy I created'... oh, one thing she missed, you use the word 'which' a bit too much...
and remember, calm down before you bite back at me. -
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I'll keep that in mind and thank you for the helpful comment.
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That last line should be 'loose'.
'Darkness, which is just hard to see the light' don't they mean the same thing?
'fell' should be 'fall'.
'In my own mind' is a cliche, so are 'locks and chains', they don't mean a lot because they're so over done.
'i'm the only one who can fight this'... the poem says you aren't fighting it, or that you cant, so why bother putting that line in. -
This is really a great write and I loved it
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That's my girl! The only thing that can save us from the abyss is an indomitable spirit! keep you8rs in fine shape and everything else will fall into place. Three bunnies for this!!!
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You get the idea across well. A few times when I was at this point I just gave up. The dark was better, it was safe, no one could hurt me, but it's not a way to live your life. Being depressed or sad, or just feeling down in general, it's not something others can help you with. It is a battle you have to fight all your own, but that doesn't mean you can't have someone there beside you to hold you, or cry on their shoulder. It's tough, but it only get tougher.
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Great job on writing this piece, you did a wonderful job of writing a lot of feeling in only a few lines.
~Alix -
Well done,I like it.
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