[[ crossing the lines i drew for myself ]]

once upon a time wishing on the [diaphanous] stars of an abyss i
found myself crossing out x's and o's and hoping i'd find
a way to get over you because being under you was
so trashy and i couldn't
{i couldn't}
bring myself to stop your girl from
becoming a berlin wall between our palms
i was lying about love with my hands
scratching out apologies in between shoulderblades of people who weren't you
and i couldn't deal with who i was
so i was breaking myself down
to make a brand new little hannahbaby
maybe one who wasn't so attached to the hipbones of boys and
maybe one who didn't have to feel much towards anyone
and i wanted to scream "I'M SO FAKE" until he believed me but i
swallowed each syllable down with cigarette smoke, mixed
with some vodka [[vomiting up the words i could never mean later]]
i was half.in.love and half.in.doubt
chasing stars because i refused to look myself in the mirror,
or to convince myself that the cracks in your skin really were
leaking out love when you licked the tears off of
my eyelashes and called me your vampire
or to admit to myself that i was trying to become everything i surrounded myself with
because it was so attractive in them and i've been searching
for a sense of security
or even to hopscotch back into my past and see what was really there
to make me so afraid of a man's hands or his belt
(especially, especially when it came off)
and i was never really above the influence,
only pretending
backtracking into my break&&come-downs to feel a little bit
more real {i felt like maybe if i colored myself inside the lines
i wouldn't feel so much like a failure}
acting like i was a little bit more fucked.up than i was
because i knew i would believe it eventually
and stop giving a damn about
whose shoulders you were encircling
when i wasn't there to build you a prison of my self-diatribe
and i've been telling myself i'm in love every.single.time because
i'm watching everyone else find it
making up tornadostorms of lies and coughing up the truth
only when their eyes aren't there to watch me
and find me out, find out i'm not any edgier than i used to be,
less so, dulled with a bittersweet need
letting them rock me to sleep... letting me self-destruct
later when i wake up and try to find them
and feel even more alone,
looking out windows and seeing only rain and a lack of infinity here
[[wondering if maybe there's a god to watch me look for him]]