I am shopping for a casket-.
Do you mind if I make sure it fits?
One that matches my eyes?
30% off the pre-owned section?
Humor that kills.
Who would guess?
Little me, in my pink dress.
Staggering down a shattered sidewalk swinging my purse,
Who would figure that my picture perfect life was just a curse.
A fairytale gone astray.
I can smell the gunpowder and I here the Ka-BOOM!
Do you think you could let me hold its slick-sexy-handle?
I brought my brain- did you bring my golden bullet?
Are you sure it will take me from this house made of broken mirrors?
Living in the excitement.
I put the glossy blood lipstick across my lips.
Pull the designer pants up to my hips.
I use the makeup to hide the ripples of time.
And from the gutter I will climb.
I’m just another forged painting.
Bright roses- my favorite color- could I order a large amount?
Can I have them shipped to the ceremony?
Could you include a card wishing me well?
Do you suppose this purchase can go on my credit card?
They take Visa everywhere.
I’m just a walking worthless lie,
Let me join the stars in the sky.
Let me go- Let me free,
Take me from this misery.
Watch me fade.
Author notes
I have rewritten this poem too many times. I think it may be okay. If you look closely you will see a form that is weaved into the poetry. It is not obvious but I think it helps with the quality.
I know a lot of people who want to die. It is depressing for the average person, but their pain and sadness is real. Several of my friends have gone out the "exit door".
I am a pro and looking good. Usually, I can maintain a mask and hide amoungst the sane. hah... well, hiding your pain is never benefical and I know that- everybody knows that. It is puzzling... About a month ago I was in a gas station. Well, I remember specifically handing the money to the cashier and I picked up my drink. My heart started beating really fast and I took two steps backwards and fainted right there. This is a dramatic example but I think it makes a point? Eh?
Good day,
AtiVan
Unedited
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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magnificent write once again, kinda made me chuckle about picking out a coffin and looking at it in that light...and NO you are not a worthless lie/person, you are blessed to still be here sharing your experiences...
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wow.. this is awesome... i love the part
"I put the glossy blood lipstick across my lips.
Pull the designer pants up to my hips.
I use the makeup to hide the ripples of time.
And from the gutter I will climb.
I’m just another forged painting."
its stuck in my mind.. its.... just wow.. i love it...
this.. just whoa.. i dont no what to say.. speachless.. its brilliant..
xoxo
well done -
i like this piece very much, the way it portrays death in an origional and different way, and the way it has been put together
the irony of the 'pre-owned' section is very well used, subtle, but none the less present.
the third stanza is very good, i interpret it as being a conversation with yourself before you pull the trigger, though i may be wrong
I brought my brain- did you bring my golden bullet?
a particularily well worded line, makes me think of the idea of you need a silver bullet to kill a werewolf
I use the makeup to hide the ripples of time.
And from the gutter I will climb.
my favourite two lines. i love the metaphor of wrinkles with the ripples of time, if indeed that is what it is describing, it sheds a new light on the use of make up to hide away the years. the line about the gutter is a very good play on the idea of people living in the gutter; they (generally) do not actually live in the real gutter, but the idea of their home being near to it is very well used here
overall, a great poem, i really liked this piece. the only thing i would suggest would be a slight rewording of the last line, the '-ing' on fading seems a bit out of place when you havent used that form of word since the first line of the stanze. but thats just my opinion, and i am sure most people would think it would certainly be fine as it is
lucy
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Dang
For some reason it made me laugh...not like in a way that makes fun of people who feel that way....(because I know a lot of them) but like in a way that its written.
I am shopping for a casket-.
Do you mind if I make sure it fits?
One that matches my eyes?
Its just so morbid its kinda funny. You probably think I'm a weirdo for laughing at morbid thoughts. (I laugh at the song "Dead!" by My Chemical Romance...) But I'm not I swear. Its just the way its put, shes shopping for her death.
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great
though i thought that (qoute)Bright roses- my favorite color- could I order a large amount?
Can I have them shipped to the ceremony?
Could you include a card wishing me well?
Do you suppose this purchase can go on my credit card?
They take Visa everywhere.
this bit was strange as it makes it sound like you get that option with suicide, i dont understand why you put it there, also i didnt see the rhyming pattern it didnt seem to flow to me, but either way you got your point accross
also it sounded like a bit of a clique the whole thing, maybe it was the words you chose, can i suggest that maybe instead of constantly trying to fix this piece up, that you put it aside and write something completely original, it may help you to get your point accross to other plus yourself a little more, id suggest just keep writing and writing different poems about the same issue, make it flow with lots of poetic structure it doesnt have to rhyme just has to flow through your mind. anyway thankyou for sharing this with me -
well, honestly i think this poem is amazing, but i don't see the rhyming scheme at all. it's just sort of there, varying in every stanza. other than that, it's great.
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this was pretty good... i liked it. i'ma lil slow on comments though cuz i'm tired. but thx for entering
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Well, it's a rather shocking piece, pretty in a way, yet very much insane it seems. It bounces back and forth. Like a yoyo on a string kind of. I like it though and think that it is extremely well thought out. And yes.. those of us who are insane can sometimes hide amount the sane.. Well done! The last stanza begs for the freedom of death. It catchs my attention the most.
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